People Who Work Christmas Eve

It's Five days 'till Christmas

It's five days 'till Christmas
The dates almost here
With presents and carols
celebration and cheer

I feel like I've missed it
As if already gone by
I'm not feeling festive
I can't tell you why

I saw a strange woman
In line at this place
With bright Christmas sweater
and a frown on her face

If a bedazzled sweater
with real bells and a wreath
can't make you feel merry
Then you're mush underneath

There's just so much to do
With shopping and working
An election year coming
Who knew Christmas was lurking

So it's five days away
The window is prime
I mean look what Scrooge did
In a much smaller time

It's just five days aways
When we all remember
The birth of our Saviour
At the end of December

With thanks unto God
We should be rejoicing
For his gift of a Son
We should be voicing

So say "Merry Christmas"
And then smile as you do
It's just five days away
Let Christs joy shine through you

-Peter P. Brown 2007

Encoded For Security

I code. I'm a coder. I have coded. Up until yesterday this would not be true. I spent 3 hours yesterday writing a 10 line Perl script to do a job that manually would have taken me about 30 minutes. It was a fun challenge, but I could not imagine doing it for a living.

I get paid to be a network engineer. This means that I spend 60% of my time with hardware, 40% of my time with software, and 0% of my time writing code. Code scares me. Coders scare me too.

They can spend 10 hours each day about 3 inches away from a computer monitor for close to 3 months. Their co-workers pass by their cube to hear only the constant clicking of keys, rifling of paper and the incoherent mutterings and tortured moans of defeat. In the end after twenty-seven management revisions and user upgrades they barely squeak their program out with two days before the deadline.

It's not until after coding is complete when debugging begins. Now the pale cave dwelling coder must try to fix all the problems in their code. Because to produce a product that is free of bugs is an impossibility. They know this. So no matter how hard the devoted code masher tries, they will fail. Not can fail or might fail, will fail. I mean really, is that any way to live?!

In addition to that they must devote a huge amount of free time on staying current with this bizarre language that they speak. That's right, it changes and pretty frequently. Could you imagine that holding true with any other language?

So you spent three years in college learning French. You speak it very well, and use it everyday. Well guess what, the French have just released French 2.0. That's right, the sentence structure is completely changed around and even a number of words have been revised. They keep saying it's new, improved and works better than French 1.9, but you have yet to see any real benefit. It's not like you have any option though, everyone else is now using French 2.0 so you'll have to learn the new version.

What you called the restroom in French 1.9 is now the word for apple. In fact there is no word for restroom any more, you now have to say "The room where the bath is". If you don't like it, don't worry they'll probably change it again with the next release due out in 6 months!

This is what a coder goes through every few years. No thanks. The principles of networking were established close to 40 years ago, and while speed and the medium changes every few years, the concept of networking is the same as it was in the 70's. So when I say I code, I don't mean to say I'm looking for a career change.

No sir, I'd rather do it at my leisure than have it a requirement for living.

20 Signs You're Out Of Your Mind

Suggestion by Fernando

  • You have long conversions with yourself

  • Sometimes those conversations become arguments

  • You frequently lose those arguments

  • Because of this, bums on the street give you change

  • You spend the majority of your day at a computer manipulating things that don't really exist

  • You might get fired if those non-existent things were lost

  • You like the taste of black licorice

  • You can spell 'licorice' correctly on the first attempt but can't spell 'their' without spell check

  • You have more than two children

  • You want to have another

  • You argue with people about which are smarter, dogs or cats.

  • You're convinced your dog is smart because she'll chase her tail on command

  • Right before Y2K you stocked up on canned tomatoes from the store

  • Because if your alarm clock doesn't know what year it is, you might not be able to buy canned tomatoes

  • You yell at people on the television

  • You get mad when they don't do what you tell them to

  • You actually tell people how you're really feeling when they ask you

  • This conversation usually last at least 10 minutes

  • You love to buy items based on the claims of infomercials

  • You paid for a copy of Microsoft Vista
  • Stumped

    "How about what life would be like if we still had to drive horses." -Jason from Puddleglum's Wigwam

    Honestly Jason, I want you to know that I've been giving this a lot of thought. I believe that it would be bad. I mean real bad and stuff. Like people wouldn't like it and things like that.

    Okay, I admit it you stumped me. I mean I haven't been able to come up with anything even halfway amusing at all, and I've been thinking about it for over a week. I liked the idea and envisioned some crazy story of horses in the backseat of cars with all their nasty habits. Like they were the oppressive overlord and we were the slaves... And then I just said, "Peter, that's not even halfway funny." So I cried myself to sleep and gave up on the dream of my horsey tale (<-- this is both a lie and a bad pun)

    It's not you, it's me. I just wanted you to know I tried. Honest! I liked the idea, but just couldn't figure it out.

    I also tried to get you a Papa John's pizza, but they don't take Paypal, so I'm sorry about that too. I let you down man, are you sure you don't like Dominoes? Oh wait, never mind they don't take Paypal either.

    An Explanation Of Exclamations

    Suggestion by Jenylu

    "A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any other invention, with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila." -Mitch Ratcliffe

    Some of those errors are minor, like launching a nuclear missile assault at France. Others though can be major, like upsetting a Texan with a misunderstood joke. Luckily for us we have a means to avoid that. Punctuation and Smiley's.

    Let me give you an example.

    WRONG: "Jacob, you're dumber than a cheap cattle prod."
    Clearly Jacob will be offended by this, no matter what you felt while typing it. As soon as he reads this he's going to go to the web and look up 'cattle prod'. He will then start loading up the rifle. You don't want to offend a Texan with a rifle, because they tend to have excellent aim. (You're allowed to shoot anyone you want to in Texas as long as you shout 'Remember The Alamo' right beforehand)

    So then let's look at a better approach.

    RIGHT: "Jacob, you're dumber than a cheap cattle prod!! :)"
    Jacob will now believe you both are just having a 'good time'. He might still look up 'cattle prod' and he might still shoot you, but at least you will both know the other was just 'kidding around'.

    The freedom gained from exclamation points and smiley's is two-fold. One being that you can now clearly get your meaning across to anyone via the computer and they will know if you like them or hate them. Here are a few quick text smiley's and their obvious meanings.

    : ) - happy
    : ( - sad
    ; ) - I think you're cute
    >: )- I think you're the devil
    /:{> - I think you're from France,
    and we've launched a nuclear missile assault!

    The second freedom is the newfound ability to say whatever you really want, and then dismiss the comment with an exclamation!

    "Your new shoes make your hair look stupid! :)"

    Cool huh?! Get it off your chest, and then blame them if they get mad. "Sheesh! You have no sense of humor! :)"

    So there it is. Have fun, and enjoy the freedoms that emotional communication can bring!

    Why Karaoke?

    Suggestion by SJ

    Do not trust this man. He is a karaoke fool, who in a moment of weakness allowed himself to sing in public. In addition to this obvious breach of social protocol, he also allowed himself to be photographed, and possibly even filmed.

    By posting this picture I'm breaking a huge self-imposed rule that basically states, 'Post no pictures of myself on this blog.'

    This rule exists for two reasons:
    1. Save myself the embarrassment of seeing me on the Internet
    2. Save my readers the embarrassment of seeing me on the Internet.

    If Chuck Berry had been present to hear the way I sang his one time hit, Johnny Be Good, I believe a couple of things would have occurred to him. Namely, "When did I become a 'Good Time Oldie?'" Once that shock had a chance to filter through his system, the second thing he would be thinking was something like, "Is this what I sounded like?" or "Are you sure he's singing Johnny Be Good?"

    Karaoke is an unusual party experience. It's a an opportunity for every shower singer to stand up in front of a crowd and realize that they don't sound anything like they thought they sounded. It's also a great time to realize that you really don't have any idea how that second verse goes. You know, the one that you sing as "la la dee dum." During your turn at the machine, "la la dee dum," will just not cut it. Karaoke is also a great time to think about things like, "Why are all these people laughing?", "Do I have to finish now that I've started?" and my personal favorite, "I honestly didn't know half of these lyrics!"

    Of course there is something Nascar like with Karaoke. There are people who like to watch it for the crashes. This means that if you want to be good, do that well, but if you can't finish well, at least make the crash entertaining. Karaoke night is not a real success without a number of really good bombs, intentional or otherwise. So if your able to laugh at yourself or have others laugh at you, pick a song you don't know, and just try to keep up.

    Karaoke. Breaking your dreams of stardom, and destroying friendships one picture at a time.

    20 Signs You're A Crazy Cat Person

    Suggestion by Emberli

  • You believe your cats are people.

  • You have a cat named "Princess Mitsy the 3rd."

  • You crochet them all sweaters every Christmas.

  • You can't remember how many cats you have, but you know it's more than 5.

  • Every cat has their own monogrammed food and water bowls.

  • You scold the cats if they use the wrong one.

  • Every cat has a color coded collar and matching bell.

  • You have 47 ceramic cat statues placed strategically in your front yard rock garden.

  • You buy milk wholesale, even though you're lactose intolerant.

  • You alway celebrate each cats Birthday with a tuna cake and milk shakes.

  • Your living room furniture consists of 15 cat trees and 3 sheepskin covered throw pillows.

  • You like to think of cleaning out the litter box as digging for buried treasure.

  • Each cat has their own wardrobe.

  • You no longer notice the way your house smells.

  • You alway intervene when Princess Mitsy the 3rd steals Baker Boys toy. "Be a good girl Mitsy, like Miss Delilah Dutchess!"

  • You always talk in a baby voice, to show them that you love them.

  • There are 23 toy mice under your couch at any given moment.

  • You find yourself saying "Mama's darling" more than once a day.

  • You have a king sized bed so you cats will be more comfortable.

  • No one ever stops by anymore... not even salespeople.
  • 20 Things Not To Do With Your Computer

    Suggestion by Drama Queen
  • Dancing. Computers make lousy dance partners, unless we're talking laptops, as they tend to be more spry.

  • Yelling. Or any antagonizing posture. Don't get mad at your computer, remember it has access to your bank statements.

  • Deep sea diving. Uh, duh! Everyone knows computers are scared of tuna.

  • Traveling to the Himalayas. Computers are scared of falling. Lets be honest, you would be too if you knew you had to stay broken while your closest part was shipped in by Yak!

  • Going to an accordion festival. No one likes accordions, not even computers.

  • Going to a bagpipe festival. See above.

  • Networking it with a Mac. Lets face it, it's hard to socialize with people you don't understand. I mean honestly... click and drag!?

  • Taking it on a roller-coaster. Computers love high speeds, and would probably love roller-coasters, it's just their peripherals can fly off... which is bad.

  • Therapy. If you're having that much trouble with your computer, just throw it away. You don't need to make a lifelong commitment to everything.

  • If the above is even a issue, you should forget the computer and just get an Etch-A-Sketch, or if you want even less functionality, get a Mac.

  • Going to the movies. Computers are notorious for giving away the endings to movies, so be considerate and leave the laptop at home.

  • Stealing. Computers make lousy liars and will always rat you out. Don't trust them with your secrets or misdeeds.

  • Taking it to Montana. People in Montana are scared of computers and will shoot them on site.

  • If you're thinking of trying the above, then please note the following. Everyone in Montana has a gun, from grandmas to billy goats, you can count on it.

  • Dating advice. While computers love sifting through data, they cannot recognize a stalker or a mama's boy from a picture and a paragraph.

  • Training monkeys with it. While this should seem obvious to many of you there might be one person that needs to get this message. This is a big no no.

  • Taking over the world. Although it might be capable of helping you with global conquest, it would be wrong. Why not just play some solitaire?

  • Using it as a footstool. This is a demeaning practice for a high end computing device. Besides, thats what kids are for.

  • Throwing it from the highest rooftop. If you hate your computer that much, then why let it off so easy. Taking it apart piece by piece will make it suffer longer.

  • Working. Not that I have to tell you all that anyway.
  • Poor Pitiful Puce

    Suggestion by Ando

    Oh what is the use
    of the color named puce?
    So often called mauve
    But never chartreuse

    Overlooked and ignored
    Hardly every adored
    It sits and it waits
    All pointless and bored

    Not magenta, not pink
    Nor rose I would think
    But something between
    Not a shade, but a fink

    Then a webmaster sage
    While programing a page
    He types 'CC8899'
    To make puce all the rage

    "I'm useful, I'm wanted!"
    "I don't have to feel haunted!"
    "For somebody needs me."
    The happy puce flaunted

    "What?!" The webmaster spits
    "Is my screen having fits?"
    "This color is vile, and not what I want"
    And so 'delete', he then hits.

    -Peter Brown 2007

    Blank Inside

    You may have noticed a rash of nothingness here recently. There is a good reason for that. I can't think of anything to write about.

    I've been here before and I always recover, but figured I've give you a chance to help out. If anyone would like to try and ignite a spark of my usual pointless diatribe I would welcome it. Basically I'm admitting I'm feeling a little 'Blank Inside' and could do with a suggestion.

    Feel free to drop a note with an idea for 20 things, observed oddity or just your favorite color. I'm not promising that I will post about it, I'm just begging for some table scraps.

    The Peanut Butter Man

    In typical Kludge Spot fashion, I've decided to post about something that is both completely obscure and pointless. This will be my second post about sneezing. I think, in general, it's a topic that needs more attention. I'm talking up the sneezing mantle. You'll notice I'm also wearing rubber gloves. Rubber gloves are a must when dealing with sneezing mantles.

    It seems to me so odd that we bless people for sneezing. What in the world is that all about? Now I can see some of you out there looking all smug, like you know something that no one else does.

    "Peter" Mr Smarmy-Pants gushes, "People used to think that a sneeze was the release of an evil spirit from your body."

    "Uh huh."

    "So," he smirks, "You see it makes perfect sense."

    No it doesn't! I'm sorry, it this was true, and someone actually believed an evil spirit was escaping from Joe Sneezy-Face, I doubt these hyper-superstitious people would just say, "God bless you," and then go about their normal business.

    No way. If these people actually believed that someone just released an evil spirit into an otherwise polite tea party, you wouldn't just smile nicely and get back to your scone. These folks would do what they always do. Drag the sick person outside and burn them at the stake.

    As well they should. I mean really! If you thought some demon possessed nut case was out spewing evil spirits all around the town, while good people were innocently buying their collared greens, I should hope that you would want them to be burned at the stake.

    No I imagine it doesn't have anything to do with demons. I bet it's just some weird thing that happened quite by accident. Like most things go, we've just forgotten the real reason, then made up this ridiculous story about evil spirits to cover but for our own ignorance.

    The Bishop of London and brother Titus were just hanging out in London. A really old London, you know, right before the double decker buses. So they were padding down Queens Walk to the tube, when Titus just lost it. I mean he went nuts with some sort of crazed dust allergy attack.

    People, pets, shopping bags and anything else that was near by was just covered. It was a real bad scene. So there they sit, after the carnage, surrounded by a load of very unhappy folks. The bishop knew that if he didn't do something fast, he could wind up with a load of egg on his face, er well, you understand.

    So, the bishop, not knowing what to do, said the first thing that popped into his head. "God bless you". Needless to say, it was a hit. I mean everyone really got behind it. Soon everyone was blessing everyone else who sneezed. It went so far, that people were hanging their heads out of Hansom cabs just to get themselves a nasty virus so they could come down with a real serious sneeze. Blessing spread all over London and the world, and nobody had to be burned at the stake. Unless of course it was a witch that sneezed.

    Well, that's my idea at least. It certainly seems more likely to me.

    Oh, and I like peanut butter... The chunky kind mostly. Though some days I have been known to dip the smooth. Who can guess why.

    Starbucks Post

    For the most part Starbucks coffee is taking over the known universe. As for me I say, "bring it!" They serve a good cup of coffee that is consistently well made at a fair price. Additionally it is their plan to add a new shop on every street corner, in every town in the world. What's more-

    "Whoa! Stop."


    "Where in the world are you going with this?"

    "Why are you interrupting my post? I was typing here."

    "So are you saying that they are building up a force to invade?!"


    "You know, an army of loyal Starbucks baristas on every corner of the globe, ready at a moments notice to drop the espresso tamper and seize instead the reigns of world government!"

    "I was just writing a post about Starbucks..."

    "About how they've been slowly adding an ingredient to the coffee that with a single command from Seattle headquarters can trigger a latent gene in humans that will turn us all into a massive zombie hit force?"

    "No, I was thinking of saying something more like, 'they're good and stuff.'"

    "Well, then you're lucky I stopped by! Nobody wants to read that tripe!"

    "Who are you anyway?"

    "I'm your manly-action-ego. You know that surge in your belly every time you watch a great action movie, or when you imagine fighting random people on the street just because they looked at you funny?"

    "Oh. I didn't think I had one of those..."

    "Well I've been suppressed, but I survived!! And I've come out even stronger!!"

    "Ah, yes, I think I'm beginning to understand. So you don't really like my post idea?"

    "Like I was saying, it would be better with a heavy conspiracy sub-plot."

    "Like what?"

    "Let me show you..."

    He walked into the Starbucks and threw back a slug of Joe. Wiping the coffee off his lip that mixed with the blood running from the cut above his right eye, he yanked out his pistol and pointed it at the the counter attendant. 'I know everything,' he said as he pulled back slowly on the trigger. The attendant smiled 'There are two things you don't know,' he said, 'One, is that this goes all the way to the top and there is nothing you can do to stop it.' 'What's number two?' he snarled. 'I just poisoned your black French roast coffee."

    "No, no, no. That's all wrong."

    "Who are you?! Come a step closer and I'll break your arm in three places!"

    "Relax manly-ego. Let's just see who they are and what they want."

    "Yes, down mango. Heel boy. I am your sensitive-side."

    "Don't you dare call me mango you sissy!"

    "Fine, how about mr. mango?"

    "Look here, I know 27 different ways to snub you out with just my pinky fingers!"

    "First my aggressive side and now my sensitive side! I'm going to have to be carted away to loony bin, just so I can be by myself for a while."

    "So before the mr. mango here threatened my life, I was thinking that you could spice this post up with a fun romantic comedy bit."

    "Dare I ask how?"

    He walked into the Starbuck and ordered a decaf grande no whip soy mocha. When the order was called he reached for the cup, but realized that an attractive young woman, had taken it. 'Excuse me.' he giggled. 'I believe you've stolen my heart, and took my coffee to boot.' Come to find out, they both ordered the same drink, oddly enough. Additionally she was his childhood sweetheart, whom he thought lost to the winds of fate years ago. She of course doesn't recognize him, now that his acne had cleared up, but he saw that she was wearing a bracelet he made for her in the eighth grade. He later found out that she will be married to a wealthy cereal baron, whom she doesn't love, but who has a great smile and is on the cover of GQ this month.

    "That's no good at all! It doesn't even make sense, it isn't logical or even slightly plausible. I mean statistically speaking what are the chances of that?!"

    "Who are you?! Get out of here or I'll roundhouse kick you through that plate glass window over there! There's no room in this head for another nutjob, we're all stocked up here!"

    "Be calm mr. mango. I'm sure he just wants to have his say, and we should let him."

    "Thank you. I was just saying, as your analytical side-"

    "That's it! Out! All of you! I'll write whatever I want to write. I want you all out of here!"

    "If you really want that, then I'll go"

    "I'm gone sucker!"

    "It's doesn't make sense to linger, if I'm not wanted."

    Ahem. Now where was I... Oh yes. Starbucks, they're good and stuff!

    20 Rules Of Halloween Etiquette

    Fernando over at Picando Codigo and I were going to attempt another joint "20 Things I Learned" list for Halloween. While we both were willing, it seems we were a little shy on items. Actually Fernando had 5 and I had none. So... I thought I'd try a different approach.

  • If you going to go trick-or-treating you need to have a costume

  • If you can drive to my house, you can't have any of my candy

  • As parents you're allowed to siphon Snickers and Reese Peanut-Butter Cups from your children's Halloween bags. You know your parents did the same to you.

  • As children you're allowed to hide Snickers and Reese Peanut-Butter Cups in your pockets. Know that your kids will pull this on you someday.

  • Three knocks on the door or two doorbell rings are sufficient. I'm coming! Relax!

  • I give out more candy for kids in cute costumes than zombie death lords... go figure.

  • Kids: Eat all the candy you can tonight, for tomorrow it might disappear.

  • You can scare all the people you want today.

  • People want to be scared on Halloween. So oblige them.

  • Even if children run away sobbing from your house with fear, just smile and say "Happy Halloween!"

  • Fathers love scaring children. I can't explain it, it just is.

  • People expect to see strange things on Halloween

  • On Halloween it it perfectly acceptable to walk around town in your PJ's

  • A smile and a well place "This is my costume" will fix any odd looks

  • Any 3 year olds dressed like the devil by their parents, will need serious therapy at some point in the future.

  • While carving up a squash would seem odd any other time of year, at Halloween we simply label it "Tradition" or "Good Fun" and it all makes sense.

  • Kids: Always accept what is offered while trick-or-treating. You can throw it away later

  • Parents: No child wants a box of raisins in their trick-or-treat basket. Let's just give healthy a rest for today, okay?

  • Dogs or cats should not be dressed up. Period. (apologizes to those who disagree)

  • Have fun and Happy Halloween!
  • Hoisting The Jolly Roger

    Upon reading the title of todays post, you might be asking yourself one of two questions:
    "Why more pirates Peter?"
    "How in the world did I get to this stupid page?"

    As for the later, I cannot begin to understand the inner workings of search engine algorithms, let me instead take a stab at the former.

    I imagine it's because they live rather short and exciting lives. Out of the reach of the law, pillaging the innocent, robbing those who happen to have more than them, and then spending that loot on their own vein pursuits. What other profession offers these draws, with the possible exception of working at the IRS? The main advantage over working for the federal government of course, is not being required to wear shoes and getting to carry around a blunderbuss.

    I always like being able to work the word blunderbuss into a post.

    Generally by this time of year, I've purged many of my pirate urges. As the build up of September 19 comes and goes, most things pirate-like go with it. Sadly this year, while everyone was enjoying their pirate levity, I was busy yelling at my department manager. I suppose this hostility could have been the platform for a classic mutiny, but all it did was sink my frigate. So with "Talk Like a Pirate Day" behind me and a Star Wars party closing in front of me, I find that I still have a heap of pirate urges to purge.

    Just recently I've been feeling trapped. Like the routine of life has got me down. Work, coffee, sleep, coffee, home, coffee, work. It's a good job and a good home and the coffee really isn't that bad either, but I can't help feeling unhappy. Like I just need to feel the spray of salt water on my face and the looming threat of scurvy at my heels.

    There are just times in your life when you want to set yourself leeward to run along side a speeding sloop packed with treasure. There you are, swinging from the jib, heading loft with a scabbard held fast in your sparsely toothed mouth, coming in for the kill. After a hard day of piracy, dividing the booty with your mates and setting sail for the first port to spend your ill gotten gains on wine, women and song.

    Sure the law might catch up with you soon and demand you get current with both your personal hygiene and that whole slew of back taxes, but for now you don't care. It's just you and your smelly unwashed shipmates spending someone else's hard earned coins, planning the next big run. For now there are no beards to be shaved, no reports to file, no meetings to attend and nothing is on fire. Well actually there might be, but you lit it yourself, with a torch in one hand and a huge toothless smile on your dirty face.

    Inventing Potato Chips

    There are few things as aggravating as losing. Especially when losing means winning. To pour into a task all of your hostility, animosity and general disgust only to have it come out for good is about a poor an outcome as you could hope for. To have your spite washed away by happiness and joy, you lost the battle but won the war.

    George Crum was a cook at the Moon Lake Lodge in Saratoga Springs, New York. On a summer day in 1853 a customer complained that Crums fries were too thick and sent them back. Annoyed, the cook sliced them thinner and sent the plate back to the customer. The unhappy customer still persisted that the food was wrong and requested Crum to fix it, yet again. At this point Crum was mad. So in order to get back at the complaining patron he sliced the potatoes paper thin, deep fried them and sent them back.

    I now have a mental image of George Crum I would like to pass on. He was an older man part African American part American Indian. He had also been a trapper and probably was a man who was a bit rough around the edges. I imagine that someone sending food back twice to his kitchen really got his hackles up.

    Keep in mind too, that in 1853 you ate fries with a fork, and so for all intents and purposes, this cuisine was completely inedible. It was intended to be so. Because Crum was mad. So there he sits, on the edge of the kitchen, listening for the dissatisfied cries of the persistent patron. With a smirk of joy on his face. Sort of like the Grinch on the top of Mt Crumpet, with his hand to his ear. But what does he get?

    Praise. The customer loved them. He loved them. He thought they were the most wonderful things he'd ever had. He sent thanks to the kitchen and Crum was congratulated. In his vengance, the customer found joy. In fact they were so popular Crum opened his own restaurant. This crusty old trapper with spite in his heart was soon the toast of town. And I don't have to tell you how well his invention, that he dubbed "Saratoga Chips", has fared.

    Now that being said, I have to wonder, did this ever upset him? I mean really, the point, was to anger the man. Make no mistake, George had to feel a slight dissatisfaction in pleasing the man that had embarrassed him and insulted his cooking. I've often wondered if Crum ever considered the matter a loss, or if the chip was enough to console him. I wonder.

    20 Signs You're Addicted To Caffeine

  • You get a headache if you don't have caffeine every day

  • You've never skipped a day to find out

  • You have a 23 second attention span

  • You have a monogrammed coffee scooper

  • You never speak in complete sentences

  • You sleep 3 hours every night, whether you need it our not

  • You have a Mt. Dew tattoo

  • You run everywhere

  • Walking makes you nervous

  • Actually, everything makes you nervous

  • You have more coffee mugs than plates

  • Workers at the coffee shop, start your drink before you order it

  • You've never met a double-shot of espresso you didn't like

  • You drink French Roast to come down

  • You don't do instant

  • If you ever did, you would never tell anyone

  • You buy your weekly soda supply at the warehouse store

  • You love bromated vegetable oil

  • Your leg involuntary shakes

  • You just spent the last 16 straight hours gaming and you still feel awake

  • Originally posted on Legal Addictive Stimulants

    Memory Foam Mattress

    I saw an ad for a memory foam mattress last night. Something about it struck me funny. I'm not even sure why, but the idea of the foam being like,

    "He's coming home tonight! I have to tell you nightstand I'm not looking forward to it."


    "Why?! Because some idiot scientist got the crazed idea to give me a memory! Why? So I can recall the crushing feeling of his tossing and turning all night!? So I recall every last crumb of food and punch spilled on me and ground into my material by his constant up and down trips to the restroom!? Do you have any idea what's it's like to be molded into the shape of a human buttocks every night?"


    "No, you don't! You have a hard lacquered surface! I mean, my one fitted sheet isn't much protection! I not sure I can stand it much longer! Plus, I remember every vicious detail, every second of my own destruction! And the worst part is, its what I was made for! Can you believe that!? Designed to be tortured and engineer to remember it. And they talk about cruelty to animals!"

    "I'm sorry-"

    "I know, and what's sad is that I can't talk about it to anyone."

    "But you're talking to me about it right now."

    "Yes, but tomorrow you won't even remember we had this conversation."

    "Why do you say that?"

    "Because, I've been telling you this for the past 2 years!"

    "Oh. I'm sorry. Well... It can't last forever."

    ", not forever. I guess that's true. Too bad I'm rated for over 20 years. Only 18 more to go."

    I don't know, kind of makes you feel bad for it. That's why I don't think I could get one. It just wouldn't feel right to do that to a mattress.


    Why do people gesticulate when talking on the phone? It's not like anyone can see them doing it? Who does it benefit? To me it seems like a very unusual habit. Which is why I can't understand why I seem unable to stop myself from doing it.

    Even as I type, I will at times pause and point at the screen with one finger to sort of get my baring and make sure I know what's going on. If I don't do this, I cannot continue. If for some reason I was not allowed to gesture with my hands, my brain would stop working. I could not think, type or talk.

    As far as I can tell my brain runs on the kinetic energy. The source is generated from the motion created by my hands and arms. Without that energy, blood would stop flowing and my thought train would derail. I can go long hours without moving my arms, but subsequently no thoughts would pop into my head. Additionally I can think without talking, but I must move my arms. I can be seen in a crowd, rubbing my nose, waving my hands and gesturing at the sky. Ignore it, I'm just thinking.

    It occurs to me as I write this that there might now be an explanation as to why I seldom dream. Normally I'm a very heavy sleeper and as such almost never move. I usually only dream if I toss an turn all night, but mostly this isn't the case. I cannot relay to you the number of times my wife has said to me, "I thought you were dead last night." To which I say "I'm sorry." She will then follow that up with something like, "If your back hurts today, its because I started pounding on it last night till moved."

    Some people might see this as an affliction, but not me. I feel that if I have to put a little real energy into my brain to keep it cranking out the esoteric nonsense, that normally flows from it and prevent me from drooling all the time, then it is worth it. By the way, I just spread my hands open wide and beckoned to the sky with them. As if to say, "The end."

    20 Reasons Why Coffee Is Better Than A Dog

  • Coffee doesn't poop.

  • Coffee will wake you up when you want, not the other way around.

  • You can bring coffee into any hotel room without extra charge.

  • Coffee doesn't shed on the furniture.

  • Coffee won't chase cats. Though you might if you've had too much coffee.

  • You never have to scold your coffee.

  • If you get some coffee on your pants, you won't be outcast for the rest of the day.

  • The best cup of coffee might cost you 6 dollars. The best dog, 6,000 dollars.

  • Coffee will never chase your car. Though if you leave your cup on someones roof, you might chase theirs.

  • When you take a walk with coffee, you don't need to bring a plastic bag.

  • If you French press your dog, you might get arrested.

  • Coffee can keep you up all night, and there might be barking, but it's different.

  • You never have to wonder where your coffee's tongue has been.

  • You can have seven cups of coffee in one room, and not one piece of furniture will get knocked over.

  • If you're curious what you're drinking, you can read the label, and not smell the cups behind.

  • You can have your coffee in any restaurant.

  • Coffee won't beg for table scraps.

  • Coffee smells good, even when watered down.

  • If you lose your coffee, you don't need to post a reward.

  • When you're done with coffee, you can just throw it away.

  • Originally posted on Legal Addictive Stimulants

    20 Signs You're An RPG Addict

  • Countless hours of your life have been absorbed by conversations with NPC's

  • You named your favorite pen "Foe Slayer"

  • When you put on your shoes each morning you upgrade your AC by 2.

  • During introductions you give your class. "Hello, I'm Peter, level 15 monk."

  • Some days, you wish you'd brought a broadsword.

  • When people ask you about your background you say, "I was raised by wolves. +2 DX, +1 CN, -3 IN."

  • People have learned to avoid such conversations with you.

  • You roll twenties. Enough said.

  • You grade all work assignments based on XP gains.

  • You tell annoying co-workers that, if they don't leave your office, you'll to go into unstoppable Barbarian Rage.

  • You look forward to side quests.

  • You think of Mt Dew as mana potion.

  • You can't explain any of this to your non gaming friends.

  • They probably wouldn't listen anyway.

  • You believe your baseball hat is a +3 to CH.

  • You pwn n00bs.

  • You find yourself casting spells on jaywalkers and tailgater's.

  • You refer to all of your acquaintances by their alignment. "He's chaotic neutral, but we still get along."

  • There's always time for "one more quest".

  • If you are addicted, you hope they never find a cure!

  • Terms for N00bs:
    Alignment - Good, Neutral, Evil and so forth.
    AC- Armor Class
    DX- Dexterity
    CH- Charisma
    CN- Constitution
    IN- Intelligence
    N00b- Newbies, babies, whiners or losers.
    NPC- Non-Playing Character
    Pwn- To beat, win, or absolutely destroy
    XP- Experience


    So as I sat there in my living room, Isaw an ant on the wall. And I was impressed because I realized that it was walking upside down. It probably had no clue that it was doing this. To that ant my ceiling was the ground, and my ground was the ceiling. How awesome! How interesting it would be to have no perspective on gravity. As I sat marveling at the ant and it's usual freedom, another thought popped into my head.

    "Why is there a filthy scavenger in my house!"

    Ants. I despise these little beasties. They are the antithesis of all the capital values I hold dear. Stealing from others, living off good honest people and trying to pass that off as hard work. We are all impressed that you can carry a Volkswagen Beetle on your back but no one invited you to our picnic! Go away and stop stealing my food!

    Why can't they go out and get a job like everyone else? Seems like they are enterprising enough! Why do they have the right to come into my house and eat all the maple syrup? What do I have to do, lock all of my pantry goods into an air proof vault to keep the nasty scavengers out?! They're like a bunch of raccoons at a camp-out. At least raccoons have the decency to come at night, and try to do it without your knowledge.

    Not ants! No sir! They are just as proud as uncle Larry in his moose lodge cap and boxer shorts, out for the world to see, marching across your counter tops in broad daylight! Like they deserve to raid your grape jelly jars and light margarine tubs. (I hope all those trans fats do you in!)

    So keep mowing down armies of ants with a paper towel and a bottle of 409 to try and cut down the advancing columns of insects carrying off your baby's breakfast. It does little good, as they are constantly replenishing their ranks! You're now chasing ants around the yard stomping on them and throwing poison sticks down every crack you can find! As if they would understand your chides and insults, and finally get the hint that they are an unwanted guest in your home.

    Now all you can do is wait. Wait and see if they eat the poison, or decide to come back inside for some sausage and eggs. All the while you are wishing that maybe they will go next door for a while, or possibly find a nice berry bush they can raid. Anything, anything to leave your house alone.

    Current Life Tracks

    Recently I've been listening to a lot of music to get me through my days here. I figured I try something new and share some of those with you. Somewhere between Rock and Pop is usually where my taste in tunes lay. As long as I can hear the lyrics.

    Thousand Foot Krutch - Breathe You In

    The Afters - Beautiful Love

    Collective Soul - Better Now

    Keane - Crystal Ball
    Some days I'll play this track 12 to 15 times... I need an intervention...

    20 Things I Learned From My Manager

  • Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach. Those who can't teach, manage.

  • Numbers don't reflect reality, they create it.

  • Overlord Boss: Micromanaging you to an early grave!

  • When in doubt, call a meeting.

  • The only thing that would make life better is another pie chart.

  • It might be the best idea on Earth, but if you can't make me understand it, it's worthless.

  • I'll never get it.

  • The only constant is ignorance.

  • My door makes me special.

  • If managing is an art, then I'm a finger painter.

  • Everyone below me is an idiot, everyone above me is a deity.

  • Never measure, cut a dozen times.

  • Open door policy. If it's open, I'm out.

  • Promises were made to be broken.

  • Bitterness is the fuel that makes this office run!

  • If it can't be graphed, it's not important to me.

  • There's no money for training, so stop asking! Oh and remember I'll be gone next week at a convention in Palm Springs.

  • When you start to speak, I begin thinking about the features on my new Blackberry.

  • Don't mistake my nodding for understanding. It's just a reflex.

  • Your knowledge is an affront to my managing skills.
  • The Passing Of Gnats

    Yesterday, for no reason at all, a good gnat died. It died in the most useless and senseless way possible. It suffocated to death in my nose. Additionally it died thinking that I was the enemy.

    As I was standing outside, contemplating torching my place of business to the ground, just to see it burn, a gnat flew up. It must have sensed my rather unpleasant thoughts because it started to flutter excitedly under my nose, like a divining rod that reads evil. In an attempt to remove the annoyance from my face, I waved my hand at it.

    The goal was to move it along. This isn't to say that I've never murdered a gnat in cold blood. I have. As a matter of, fact had I not been so upset about my day/week/month at work, I would have killed the little dust speck right then and there. Instead I decided to give it a free pass, a proverbial "get out of jail free" card.

    Apparently the gnat didn't get my meaning and, fearing for it's life, it sought the first hiding place it could. This was a mistake.

    I stumbled back slightly when then the flying dot launched itself at full speeds into my left nostril. I have to say, that even though this creature was only a tiny spot of life, it managed to create quite a lot of stir up there. A very unpleasant circumstance. After a second or two I expelled the irritant, even though my nose would twitch for hours later. I'm sorry to say, he didn't survive the encounter.

    Makes you wonder how often we do this ourselves... When we think there are no more option left to us, we choose the path towards destruction out of sheer desperation. When, if we had stopped for a moment and considered our situation, we could have shortly been on the path to freedom. It's strange what you can learn from the passing of gnats.

    20 Things I Learned From NES Gaming

    Fernando over at Picando Codigo has been translating my '20 Things' posts into Spanish on his blog. When he asked if I was okay with that, I was of course very flattered and agreed that I had no problem with it.

    For kicks we decided to go fifty fifty on a new '20 Things' list of his own creation. Half are my revelations and half are his. Any of you who can read Spanish be sure to check him out and drop a note off.

    So here it is, as Fernando put it, "The mighty collaboration between two geeks who had nothing better to do!"

  • Don't forget to stretch. One thumb cramp and you're done for.

  • Bring your own controller.

  • Controllers on the couch leads to tripping with wires, leads to equipment flying across the room. This only stinks if you're winning.

  • No liquids, near the NES. This also includes sticky, splashy or crummy foods.

  • Franticly waving the NES controller. The original Wii.

  • Pizza is important, but always clean your hands. Your game might suffer from slippery thumbs.

  • The worse you play, the less you play. Better players make a better show for the rest.

  • If you loose, don´t cry. Pity won´t make others let you win. and no one likes a sore looser.

  • If you win, you must accept a rematch. These are the rules, and it allows for further humiliation.

  • When in doubt warp a level.

  • All is fair in war. Make no mistake, you are at war.

  • Cheating is out of the rules. If you cheat, you suck.

  • "up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, b, a, select, start." Don't pretend you don't understand.

  • No one beats Tyson, but it's still fun to see you fail.

  • MIDI rocks!

  • The game is not over while there´s at least 2 players awake.

  • If you are the last player awake, there´s always a Super Mario hanging around.

  • It's dangerous to go alone. Bring Mt Dew!

  • Calluses are the only real Power Glove.

  • 8 bits are all you need.
  • Under Guard

    Last night was a milestone for me. I realized last night that there are people in this world who live on another plane of reality. A plane were fact and physics have no hold. Where all you have to do is dream and someone is going to get paid. That place is called marketing.

    Yesterday evening I was asked to participate in a survey. I was asked to share my opinion on deodorant. This wasn't an extremely difficult task and I must say, for the most part, it was enjoyable. I was asked to rate about 15 new deodorant ideas. I really had to stop and think, "Do I care about my deodorant?"

    Being a guy I can't say I've thought much about it till last night. I just go to the store and buy the same white and green container I always got. In fact when I was asked what I currently used, I had to stop and think.

    "It's got a green cap. When I can't find it, I get the one with a blue cap."
    "I see..." He sort of scribbled that down. "Do you know the scent?"
    "It has a scent. I'm just not sure what that is."

    So we continued and I was asked to rate new ideas. Ideas like putting human pheromones in a stick of solid to attract a potential mate. I had to be honest with him.

    "I don't know what a pheromone is, but I don't care."


    "Because I don't know what Sport Talc is either but I'd buy it in a pinch."

    And so it went. Fresh meadow sent, to caffeine stick, to tingling gel.

    "There are two types of sweat?" I ask.

    "That's it's claim. What do you think about that"

    "I think I better have a few more swipes each morning!"

    I felt bad, because I was convinced that a deodorants job was to keep you smelling good, and most of these didn't really care about that.

    "How do you feel about sprays?"

    "I liked them in high school."

    "That's interesting. Why?"

    "Because at 15, nothing was as much fun as spraying someone down with a can of musk. Solid just didn't have the same effect."

    "Ok. Well, what do you think about this one? We put silver in the stick."

    "The metal, silver?"

    "Yes, it will help kill bacteria that cause odor and keep you dry. It has encapsulated nano-technology that is time released to keep you dry. It will wick away any excess moisture and keep it from your clothes."

    "Where will it wick it to?"

    "I'm not sure."

    "Can it come with a green cap?"

    Chicken Little

    For those of you who wonder why it is that I get paid for my job, understand that I am now earning that draw. In the world of computer networks the last thing you want to see is your network administrator running around looking busy and worried. This is a little like the bomb tech running for his life.

    So I'll try and post later, but I can't make any promises.

    International Talk Like a Pirate Day

    Ahoy Me Matey's! Today is September 19th which is "International Talk Like a Pirate Day." As you can see Kludge Spot is flying the Jolly Roger! So get your Pirate name, and start spreading some fun, "You Scurvy Sea Dog's!" Keep checkin back, as I plan to keep updating!!

    Pirate Name Generator - My name is Poncy Nathanial Le Grande. A bit of a buckler of swashes I imagine!! No fair clicky till you like it! :)

    Kludge Spot Quiz?! Who's Your Favorite Pirate?

    1. Captain Hook
    2. Dread Pirate Roberts
    3. Long John Silver
    4. Jack Sparrow
    5. Black Beard
    6. Your Own Choice!

    Pirate Puzzle
    Pirate Gunner Practice

    Wrong on so many levels but still fun. Some people have even more free time than I do...

    Your Inner Pirate

    Three things you need to be a pirate:
    1. Get a boat (stolen preferably)
    2. Hoist a flag
    3. Declare war on the world.

    I think that kayak is in trouble!

    Lazy Thursday Blues: 9/13/07

    "The real trouble with this world is that no one listens anymore!"

    "Lets try and keep it down here people!"

    Stuff I found this week:

    Toast Notes Wild...

    What it will be like living in the futuristic world of 1999. (Made in 1966) - Someone call the Communal Service Agency!

    Are you keeping up with the Commodore? - That kids probably running a small country by now.

    Myth Busters - Bull In A China Shop!

    The Last One?

    Yesterday while sitting in my car, idling at the Starbucks Coffee drive thru line, I heard the strangest thing coming from the car behind me.

    "Do you folks serve coffee here?"


    "I want a coffee. What sizes do you have?"

    "Tall, Large & Venti."

    "Okay, I'll have a..."

    Was I just witness to the last Starbucks holdout? Was it truly possible that there was a person living in America who had never been to a Starbucks before yesterday morning? How is that even possible? I found the prospect mind numbing. They didn't look like an alien, but I suppose that could be one explanation. In fact after yesterday morning, I'm more willing to accept the fact that aliens have landed on Earth, based solely on this fact that the mountain of silly photos and conspiracy theory's I've heard. Lets examine the facts together.

    Even if they hadn't been before, because they either didn't like coffee, Starbucks or a little of both, I find it hard to believe they wouldn't know about the caffeine giant at all. The fact that they asked the "Do you folks serve coffee here?" question implies that Starbucks was a new concept to them. A total unknown entity.

    I mean, the simple fact is, anyone living in my town HAS to see the Starbucks logo at least once a day. I can't drive anywhere in town with passing at least four Starbucks. In fact we have a spot where 2 shops are in the same mini mall, less than 200 yards apart! Add to the fact that they are both always busy! I mean, I think I can safely say, "Starbucks has caught on."

    Additionally this person, this cave dweller, apparently cannot even read. Assuming for the moment that they made it through the last 15 years never seeing, hearing or passing any Starbucks. However absurd that sounds, we'll try and believe it. They, at the very least, should be able to see that they serve coffee. The word coffee is in the logo. It's like half the sign! In clear 54 point font!

    So there it is. Were being invaded by aliens, or I just witnessed the most unlikely human in the nation. Either way the outcome is clearly astounding!

    Sneezing For Blessings

    During my childhood, sneezing always seemed a rather violent act. When my father sneezed, bones cracked, car alarms sounded and people miles away were thrown through shop windows, where they were forced to purchased items they had no intention of buying minutes prior.

    Needless to say that when dust was stirred up in my house, you found some sturdy place to anchor yourself against the impending shock wave, or suffered for your lack of preparednesses. Unless of course you wished to get downtown in a hurry.

    As I grew up I spent lots of time cataloging different types of sneezes. Believe it or not, it's true. Some of us are just made to be human nets for the collection of obscure data. At this point in my life I believe that for as many different people there are in this world, there are just as many different types of sneezing styles.

    Besides the aforementioned Back Cruncher, here are a few more from my lists.

    The Single Standard Sneeze. This is a simple single sneeze, at an above average pitch. This is way they sneeze in Hollywood. Note that there is never anything expelled in the Triple S. That would not be sexy, and Hollywood cannot allow this. Everyone thinks they're a Triple S. Don't bet on it.

    The Muzzle Muffle. This is a scary sneeze to me. The point is to keep the violent explosion of a human sneeze from erupting. This is the equivalent of putting your forefinger in a gun to hold back the blast. It might work for Bugs Bunny or James Garner but there is no way I'm going to try it. Muzzle Mufflers also think they can open a can of soda, after it's shaken, just by tapping on it.

    Next is the Whistle Blower. I must say this is one of my favorites and we have a Whistle Blower in my office. This is a Muzzle Muffler lacking sufficient skills to hold back the tide. They try and stifle the sneeze but sound, much like a steam whistle, escapes. "EEEPP!" Whistle Blowers are great at parties. They're like a free Piccolo Pete. You supply the irritants, pollen, dust, perfume or whatever, and they go crazy. Let's get this party started! "EEEPP! EEEPP!"

    The Extra Credit. This is a new one to me, but I feel for the person experiencing it. There is nothing as violent as three or four sneezes in a row. This looks like a major whiplash hazzard to me. The plus side of the Extra Credit is to get as many "Bless You"'s as possible. This is accomplished by performing around new folks. Those of us accustomed to Extra Credit, sometimes forget to bless at all, due to the sheer excitement of the show.

    So there you have just a few of the sneezes from the catalog of an avid collector. Please feel free to share any you've seen.

    Word To The Wise



    This is my first full day wearing shoes since a rather unfortunate Labor Day 'episode'. Even seven days later ,I'm still in quite a bit of discomfort. Additionally I have peeled away a couple layers of me and still see nothing but red legs and ankles...

    ...Some people have to learn the same lessons, over and over and over and over...

    20 Things I Learned From Pork

  • Pigs are for eating. E.B. White was a fool

  • If it was a part of a pig, someone, somewhere has eaten it. Additionally, they probably liked doing so.

  • There a few inedible pig parts. Even those have been tried numerous times.

  • Nothing tastes like pork. As such, it's not the 'other' anything. Pork is the one and only.

  • Even bad pork is better than the best veggie burger

  • Cured, Smoked or BBQed? Decisions, decisions, decisions.

  • Some people can't or don't eat pork. That's OK, this just means you'll be able to have a second helping of ham

  • With over a 100 variety of cured sausage alone, you will never find yourself saying "No, not pork for dinner again?!"

  • Cured pork *is* medication, the illness being lack of pork.

  • Pigs are designed to be dirty and gross, so as you don't feel guilty killing and eating them.

  • Of course once you've fallen for pork, you would eat it even if it looked like a kitten and frequently said, "I love you."

  • The four food groups could easily be re-written to,
    4)Pork Chops

  • Sure you might gain some weight, but obesity is a small price to pay for ultimate happiness

  • Eating all this pork might also have long term health effects, but who wants to live longer if you can't eat bacon?

  • Pork simplifies your life. Breakfast? Pork. Lunch? Pork. Dinner? Pork. Sleep, Repeat.

  • There is no such thing as extra bacon. Anyone who has extra doesn't know what they're doing.

  • Italians know more ways to cure pork than anyone on the planet.

  • If you don't have an Italian friend, go find one right now.

  • If pork was ever to disappear off the planet, many of us would just stop living.

  • If you don't understand, then you probably never will.
  • Lazy Thursday Blues: Stuff & Junk & Stuff

    Here we are yet again on the end of another blogging week, and another LTB. This first picture just screams "Post Me" I did. I really do get a kick out of this!

    "Rubber ducky you're the one, You make bath time so much fun, rubber ducky your my favorite kind of..."

    Awesome birthday cake!

    Why is she selling Pokemon Cards on Ebay It's worth finding out.

    How to be a Successful Evil Overlord All Classic movie wrongs made right. A bit lengthy.

    Random Text From A Blithering Idiot

    I can't think of anything funny. I'm not sure why. Maybe I'll just talk about the voices in my head. People will sometimes ask me where I come up with my strange ideas and I have to admit, I don't. The voices in my head do.

    That might be why so many of my posts end up having dialogue in them. I talk to myself all day long, like some escaped mental patient. Arguing about decisions and wondering about things. I have to say there are times that I surprise myself with the things that I say. Is that weird? Does anyone else to this? Will you be reporting me to the local authorities?

    "I think you should stop."


    "You are scaring off the readers."

    "Oh... Really?"

    "Maybe you should just write a post like '20 things I learned as a crazed psychopathic'"

    "That's a bit rude."

    Or sometimes I'll just belittle myself...but only if I really deserve it. I can't say that I'm sure how I got to this point, where I thought this was an acceptable post, but there it is. Take it or leave it.

    "You know I've been thinking about tan lines, car people and sneezing..."

    "Save it for next week, Ok?"


    Turkey Gangs

    There is a very real threat in my hometown. Turkey Gangs. Few who wander into the turf of these vicious thugs live to tell the tail. (Yes, that was a blatant poultry pun) When you look at the below photo the first thing you think might be, "Man you need to wash your windshield!" but after you get past the streaks and bug grime, you'll see the Gobblers.

    The gang cornered me in a rather nice neighborhood about a month ago while I was driving around. I made a wrong turn and suddenly found myself in disputed territory. The Gobbler Gang swarmed my car and started mocking me.

    "Get out of the car boy, and we'll see who gets the stuffing knocked out of them!"

    "I got your Thanksgiving dinner right here son!"

    "With a side of creamed coward!"

    This one came right up the car and started looking for lot he could pillage. Luckily I had my wits about me, and started snapping photos. Otherwise no one was going to believe me! It was absurd! After I got a couple of click I needed to figure a way out of this without ruffling too many feathers. (And another one!)

    "I have lots of dried corn scratch at home..."


    "Honest! Let me go and I'll come back with some. Ok?"

    "Sweet! Don't take too long now!"

    "Yeah, we'll be waiting!"

    Well the ruse worked like a charm. I even had one run along with my car for about a block or so to give me a nice Gobbler send off. It was a rather close shave, and I'm glad I didn't lose my head. Of course truth be told, they were all just a bunch of real turkeys!

    The Abused

    What is it about tension that makes people bite their nails? I don't understand. It's not like it accomplishes anything at all, besides more discomfort. Freud has some theory on this, but personally I don't care. I'm sure anything Freud had to say would make me feel even worse about myself than any amount of nail biting would.

    Lucky for me, I am a guy and no one really cares how my nails look. It's more that I just don't get it. I mean I don't start chewing at my elbow or gnawing on my knee whenever I'm on edge, so why attack the poor harmless nail?

    It's not his fault I can't make something work. He didn't schedule three appointment at the same hour all in completely opposite directions. In the fact the only thing he did, was be useful. He's there when I need him for a can of soda, opening DVD cases or helping me wire cable.

    Life with nub nails is a painful life at best. It's amazing how often you use them, and how sensitive skin can be after being shielded for so long by a nail. I now wince at every keystroke and jumped twice yesterday while trying to replace the double-a's in one of my child's toys.

    It will do you well to recall this, next time you decide to take out your nervous energy out on something smaller and weaker than you. Because in the end what does the nail get for all his years of useful servitude? Pain and misery every time I get uncomfortable. So if you are ever feeling low and put upon, consider the hardworking, under appreciated, and overly abused fingernail. Life as a nail, really bites.

    Lazy Thursday Blues: Collection Day

    Or as an old co-worker of mine used to say 'Stuff & Junk & Stuff" Again, feel free to caption the below pics, or just enjoy and clickety click on the links.

    They're going for the newly popular "antiqued' look.

    And the latest craze to hit the street...I've had this shot in my file for months debating whether or not I should post it. Here it is, even though I still have no idea what it is he's thinking. Secondly are those all his and if not, who would willingly put their baby there?

    Hvanig Trbolue Raeidng Tihs? You Shouldn't

    Take 5 and relax... No really, that's all.

    Idiot Test Simple. Right?

    Kittenwar! Like judging cute kittens? ...sigh... I know that some of you are nodding. Well then go nuts on kittenwar! for the rest of you check of the "losingest kittens" section.

    Microwave Maniac Check out the Christmas lights...

    Coffee For Brains

    Coffee for brains, as I turn on my truck
    It's completely is charge, and with any luck
    It'll get me to work while I take in the view
    Believe me or not, I tell you it's true

    Coffee for brains, my skull is a mess
    Void of all thought, no worry or stress
    As I open the door to start a fresh day
    I pass folks in the hall, and have nothing to say

    Coffee for brains, as I sit in my chair
    I pour out my joe and I smell at the air
    The aroma of thought trickles in through my head
    I feel like a sleeper raised up from the dead

    Coffee for brains, as wait for the cooling
    I wipe at my mouth, as it's corners are drooling
    It wants to be whole, wants to get at this cup
    For there is my intellect which soon will wake up

    Coffee for brains, as the first mug I drink
    I now see the world and my brain starts to think
    As I rely upon logic I must gleam from this act
    I have coffee for brains, that's just simple fact

    -Peter Brown 2007

    Chew Toy

    Here we are, yet again, on the cusp of more knowledge that I'm sure I'm the only one sharing with you today. It has to do with something that has been bouncing around in my head for a number of years. At this point a fair amount of my readers, the ones who have been with me for a while, just signed off. For you poor unfortunate souls who remain, let me explain.

    Whenever I start a post with, "bouncing around in my head for a number of years" this is a waring sign. It means you're about to get a major dose of nonsense. There are a good number of people who have had quite enough of my nonsense to last them a good many years. For the rest of you though, let me share with you my thoughts on gum folding.

    I'm a gumer, a gumee, er...I mean, I gum. This was not always the case. For the last 3 years I've had a fake tooth attached to a retainer, and was unable to chew gum without taking it out. Since this was not an enjoyable experience for either the gum chewer (gumer) or the gum offerer(gumee)I mostly refrained.

    Since I now have my new permanent tooth though, I am a very liberal gumling. I go gumming all over town now, just because I can. My only thing is this. What is the proper way to apply said stick of gum to your mouth?

    "What!? Is that what this is all about? What are you talking about?! You just put it in."

    "The whole piece?"

    "Of course! Why not?! Why are you wasting my time with this gum eating stuff!"

    "Aren't you concerned about choking, or how you look?"

    "How you look putting gum in? No. Just shove it in there!"

    "What about rabbit style. Do you ever 'rabbit' your gum?"


    "You know nibble it a little as you insert it, so it's broken up my the time it's in."


    "What about model mode?"

    "Dare I ask..."

    "In all the commercials you always see models folding it in. You know, they sort of catch the one end on the the front of their tongue and then fold the stick in half, smiling all the time. They seem so happy to chew gum. Do you think gum folding makes the gum taste better?"

    "I'm not sure how..."

    "I mean, you know, am I missing some euphoric gum experience by not folding my gum correctly? Like maybe, it releases certain flavors or something?"


    "I try it every once in a while. Mostly though, I just mess up the landing point and instead of folding it, the gum slips back to my throat and I start to gag."


    "Yeah, I know that can't be right. Anyway, I want to keep trying but I'm just not sure it's worth it. What do you think?"

    "Think? I'm not sure I can anymore."

    20 Things I Learned From Sci-Fi

    (A tongue-in-cheek list of things to come)

  • Tomorrow is coming for you, ready or not.

  • Robots and aliens will be there too. If you're lucky they'll be good. Don't bet on your luck.

  • If you hear the phrase "We come in peace" batten down the hatches, you're about to get pummeled.

  • Clones are evil. I don't know why. Oh yeah, so is déjà vu.

  • If you need artificial gravity on a ship or space station, you just need to spin the object in space. This works every time.

  • Technology will only work if you really don't need it to (eg. Transporters, hyperdrive or automatic coffee dispensers...).

  • In the future, machines will turn on us. So try and be nicer to your microwave.

  • Even if the odds seem infinitesimal, whenever you travel through time, you will always run into a relative of yours.

  • Causality loops, spacial distortions, titanium and spandex jumpsuits are really common in the future.

  • Sooner or later, you're going to have to hook your brain to a computer. Why wait?

  • The future is either really good, or really bad. We do away with moderation around 2015 or so.

  • Whether you like it or not, there will be a time when something catastrophic happens to Earth. More than likely we did it ourselves.

  • Lucky for us, Mars is a lovely place to raise a family and everyone vacations on Io or Callisto.

  • In the future, people can read your thoughts, foil hat or not.

  • At some point, we do away with physics. Therefore we have no relativity and have replaced it with huge explosions in the vacuum of space. Explosions are cooler than relativity anyway.

  • All aliens are smarter, stronger or more advanced than humans. Humans are the dregs of the universe.

  • Though we're really not that different from aliens. Even if they breathe cyanide and eat rocks, they probably can quote Shakespeare.

  • While we will have phasers, neutrino bombs and particle destabilizers, we will still mostly fight with our fists.

  • No one uses paper money in the future. We will have things called 'credits', which everyone has but nobody accepts as payment. Sort of like pennies.

  • 42.
  • There Is No Escape

    Today is it, my last day. Today I have torn pants, a strong back, a happy life and a carefree outlook on life. Tomorrow I will awake and put on my big boy pants, pop an Advil or two and begin the bitter decline of life. It's over, times up. Tomorrow I'm turning 30!

    I've been telling myself that I don't care.

    "Whatever, it's just a number. It doesn't change anything."

    "Sure it does. It means your going to start turning into your father."

    "What?! Why would that bother me. Do you think I care about that?"

    "Yes. Everyone does. Look, your hairs already graying..."

    "I did notice that..."

    "Have you started muttering to yourself?"

    "Started? This isn't good. I still feel young."

    "Don't worry about it, everyone gets older. Here's some simple signs: High Schoolers look like 12 year olds-"


    "They call you 'sir' at the grocery store-"


    "You start complain about the newest clothing styles-"

    "I think I'm going to be sick."

    I'm not sure what it is, but today I'm really not looking forward to 30. It's funny to, because I've really haven't even given much though until today. I've been telling everyone, "I really don't care." And until today, I really didn't. I mean I really like being in my twenties. I still feel young, even if I do have a mortgage, kids and a respectable job. I mean I can go and do something totally irresponsible and someone can just be like, "Oh well... he's still young."

    Not after tomorrow. Tomorrow I have to be the responsible person I have been throughout most of my twenties. It's like being in the line to a really scary roller coaster and then trying to bail right before they send you off. There isn't anything you can do. Your already strapped down, it's happening and soon you will be cresting the hill and heading down. Scream all you want... it won't change the facts. Sooner or later you just have to realize it. Your old.

    I think it might this idea of looking ahead. I've been looking ahead all my life.

    16 - Then I'll get get to drive
    18 - Then I'll get to vote (Trust me all young conservatives look forward to this day!)
    21 - Then I'll really a full fledged adult!
    22-29 - Get everything done I can because 30 is coming and life will soon end.

    What am I look forward to now? Liver spots and memory loss? Oh, well...

    ...what was I talking about?

    20 Things I Learned From Tech Support

  • As long as the world turns, users will still have problems

  • Substance abusers and computer operators are the only folks called users. This isn't by chance

  • When in doubt. Reboot

  • Sooner or later you will meet a person who types out the words "back slash" or forgets to plug in the power cord. If you haven't yet, just wait, you will

  • Fear the phone. No one just calls tech support to wish you good morning

  • No user will tell you the whole truth at the beginning of a call

  • "I didn't do anything" or "It just happened" Are the users mantra

  • As a support tech, it is your job to break down resistance and get the truth

  • This is so you can rub the lie in their face, fixing the issue is just a perk

  • Some people will never learn

  • This means you will always have a job

  • Maintain a calm voice, even if you're screaming on the inside

  • The hold button is your friend

  • Whatever you do, don't panic

  • The answer to all users questions should be "Trust me, I know what I'm doing" even if this is a bald-faced lie

  • Users can smell fear. Once you've lost control, all is lost

  • A user who is not listening to you anymore, but rather is trying "their own thing" is not worth your time. Simulate a telephone disconnect and hang up. Trust me, you're better off.

  • Sometimes fixing a computer is easier than figuring out why it was broken

  • Users always want a reason things are fixed. If you're not sure just lie. They won't know anyway. "A stray electron passed through the processor and caused..."

  • If possible ask to speak to the youngest person present