White Board Cleaner Fumes

I can't solve it... even after I used the white board cleaner and got crazy high off the fumes. Nothing. No idea. Look it's almost quitting time. I hope my head clears by then!!

"No officer, just white board cleaner..."

Random Typing In December

Yet Another Random Typing Post. I'm just going to let whatever thought pops into my head out for all the world to see. This is glimpse into my brain, or a warning not to read on. Whichever you prefer. Only spell check beyond this point.

I like corn chips. Though I'm not sure what to do with all the dust you accumulate on your fingers when eating them. Seriously, are you suppose to pretend it's not there? Or do you wipe your hand after every chip. I suppose you could lick it off. The 'lick it off' method is okay if it's not a community container but I wouldn't want to share a bowl of chips with a finger licker.

That's a funny name. Finger licker, bet the TSA would pull you over and pat you down if you had that on your ticket. "Johnny 'Finger Licker' Jones".

"Step out of line. Put your hands where I can see them."
"Is there a problem"
"Yea backup, I'm going to need a moist towelette or two."

Moist towelette. A interesting item as well. Are they the base that other products such as wet wipes and counter cleaners stem from? What's with that odor? Is that suppose to be appealing to you?

"Is that a new scent you're wearing Susan?"
"Moist towelette."
"Were did you get it?!"
"At the Coco Channel store. $400 a bottle."

Once the fashion industry gets a hold of something, no matter how stupid, its an instant hit with the super rich. They are a fickle bunch down in Smogland. I think they just like an exuse to spend money.

"Stop everything. The moist towelette is out! We've just discovered corn chip dust! It's all the rage. It moisturizes and covers wrinkles!"

Wow. Back to corn chips. I must be hungry. I suppose I could just dust it off on my pants, but that seems odd too. Oh well. I suppose it's just one of life's little mystery's.

(licking fingers...)

The Three Hour Meeting

"Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful pitch,
That started about lunchtime and caused my eyes to twitch.

The lead was a smarmy sellin' man, Who'd never take a breath
Of the five that sat down in there, only two of us are left. Only two of us are left

The powerpoint show was out of hand, at one hundred ten slides plus
If not for the bastion of my Blackberry, my mi-nd would be mush. My mi-nd would be mush.

The meet-ing ended thankfully an hour over-due, with shaking hands, and "thank you" lies. The projector dead and laptop drained. And ne-ver again, will we go back to....a meeting with Microsoft's rep."

TRON Legacy Prayer

I offer only what I can. A simple prayer for the upcoming TRON Legacy....

Oh please, please, please. Don't suck.

Vader Days

The best Sci-Fi villain of the 80's, who suffered a Lucas induced personality adjustment in recent year, is still my favorite childhood foe. Darth Vader was awesome. A cyborg man with ability to kill a person with his mind and rip HVAC equipment off the walls of Cloud city. He is still a serious bad dude for those of us who recall his menacing form lurking though much of our childhood. In that light I sough out the strangest Vader images I could.

Here is Lord Vader, now appearing for your amusement and general ridicule.
Elvis & Vader

Vader Vs. PiƱata

Catholic Vader

Vader Vs. Porta-Potty

Vader Reading Harry Potter

Vader changing florescent tube in lightsaber

Vader Vs. Elmo

Vader Vs. Leaves

San Francisco Vader

Fiddle Vader

Vader Vs. Luke Skywaker

Smoking Vader

Vader does Deathstar Topiary (Almost embarrassed that I knew that..._)

Lord Vader On Vacation

Hello Kitty Vader

Luke's long lost brother...

It Aways Seems So Simple...

Why is it that things always seem so simple once they're done?

So there I sit in our Network Operations Center, on one of many jet black adjustable bar stools, trying to explain to my boss what has transpired over the last 10 hours.

"So? Is it fixed?" He asks me with obvious trepidation.
"Yea. I finally got it," I say.
"Well? What was it?"
"Oh," I sort of glance around a bit. "It was a check box."
"Yea. Just a single lousy check box."
"10 hours for a check box!?"

It's funny, but once a problem is solved it always seems so incredibly easy. "Oh course, it had to be that!" Why is it never that easy to fix before you spend 10 hours of your life, reading error codes, querying log files, checking application setting and searching fifty two thousand Internet search results for that one glimmer of hope, that will lead you to troubleshooting glory.

After all of that you break down and start over. Wiping out the entire configuration and start over from scratch. You begin only to find that you've also blown away the license file and have no idea where that came from. After a two hour conversation with a Serbian national about the legality of your software product, you are back on the road again.

After several more hours of loading screens and progress bars you arrive at the beginning. There is nothing like running in a circle. You feel like a horse. A stupid animal with a brightly painted number and tiny whip wielding man mounted on your rumpus.

"Why were you whipping me like that?! We're right back where we started! If I had just stood still we would have been the first ones here!!"

This is the climax, the point of defeat. After hours of struggling to solve the issue, you admit that all is lost, and you are no better than a floundering baboon. There is only one course of action that can be taken. You begin to sweat as you wheel yourself over to the the bookshelf and draw the tome from it's dusty holding. You break down and read the 'getting started guide'. This is done stealthy so none of the junior techs can see the senior engineer admitting defeat.

"Wait, what's this? A check box that is required.... How odd."

Good Morning

"If you wake the children I will rip off your head and throw it in the trash can!"

That was how my wife said Good morning to me today.

"Kids sleeping in today?"

"Shh! You're so stinking loud. I promise I will make good on that threat."

My Father the Plumber

I was just reading a friends a Facebook update. "There's no better way to start your work day than by fixing a leaking faucet..." This sent a rush of memories flooding back to me. While I was growing up, finding out that the old man was going to start a plumbing project was akin to hearing that there was going to be a nuclear assault in our bathroom. In fact a nuclear assault might have been a lot less painful and no one would have to suffer through more than one.

My father always intended to be successful. He was a proficient reader and studier. He could understand a project and get all the best advice, but when it came to adversity he had no defense. That's not completely true, he did have his hammer but more on that later.

For whatever sick reason, plumbing projects always started on Sunday afternoon. Leaky faucets, slow drains or broken toilets could happily malfunction all week without incurring the wrath of "Officer Fixit". Come Sunday those same mild irritations become obstacles in his mind. No obstacles should be allowed to exists in officer Browns' homestead. Obstacles are there for one reason. To be brought down.

So the well planned assault on the sink would begin. My mother would send my sister and I outside so the neighborhood could see that innocents were evacuated from the premises and any sounds of destruction were either on willing adults or lifeless porcelain objects. Sometimes this was just a drill and everything would go fine.

"The leak is fixed Karen"
"What do you mean, 'What?' It's all fixed. Got dinner ready?"

This outcome was welcome, but rare. Mostly it went down like this...

He would be going along fine until some tight part wouldn't come loose, or some loose part could not be tightened. At that point the simmering would begin.

"WHAT! You %&*# thing."

After a bit the hammer would come out. Oh the hammer. What a man's tool. There is no precision required in my fathers methodology. The hammer swings and all pipeworks responds the same. Defeat. Sickening, money sucking defeat. Leaky pipes are now flowing freely, and stopped up drains are shattered in a violent manner across the kitchen floor. The hammer always win. Even if the wielder is the loser the hammer is the winner.

At this point my father would have calmed down a bit. Something about all that hammer swinging is a good workout. He would leave the plumbing with a few choice phrases to let it know, that it didn't have to go down like that. That maybe next time it should be more reasonable, especially when a man owns a framing hammer. Maybe next time the PVC should just do what it claims, as documented in the full colored drawing in figure 1.1 on page 23, in the plumbing book.

He would then go out to buy more supplies. At this point my mother would call in her ten year old boy and she and I would fix the sink before "Thor" and his hammer got back home. I was torn. Part of me wanted praise for my efforts, and part of me wished he would think the sink had fixed itself. No man wants his wife and kid fixing the thing he set asunder.

A good portion of my troubleshooting skills come from these adventures. There is a fair amount of pressure to fix a problem with plenty of time to make a clean getaway. You tend to get very good at kludging together solutions on the fly. A lesson all good troubleshooters need. I'd like to say this only happened once or twice, but that would be a lie. As I said the old man was inexplicably drawn to this weekend plumbing projects. Personally in my own house I avoid plumbing like the plague.

Maybe I should have asked him why he even tried to fix these things. It was a question I never broached. Whether he always believed it would be better than the last time, or just liked the sound a framing hammer makes against plastic...well, I'll never know.

NyQuil Is My Friend

NyQuil is a friend of mine,
He helps me drift to sleep
He doesn't sing a lullaby,
Or waste time counting sheep

No, NyQuil isn't subtle.
He isn't shy or meek.
He levels me with medicine,
That make my eyelids weak

I do not like the taste of it
It's flavor kin to vile
But if the sludge will help me sleep
Then I'll slurp it with a smile.

While sitting in the kitchen
Upon my counter stool
I swig a shot of nastiness
And soon begin to drool

I stagger towards the bedroom
And reach out for the door
I crash down on the ground
And soon begin to snore

I awake three hours late for work
But happy as I've ever been
For I can use my nose today
and tonight, you can bet that I'll be swigging at my friend again.

-Peter Brown 2010


Soo... Where to begin. Oh! I know. I'm furious!! Yeah, that's a good place to start.

I only get my hair cut every two to three months. I just don't like the hassle of going and getting the cut, dealing with all the itchy clothes and making small talk. Monday night I stopped by the local Great Clips to get a hair cut. It had been over three months and I was beginning to look silly. I've been going here for about five years now. There has been the occasional bad cut, but mostly it's been fine. I sit down, tell them what I want and I usually come out feeling better about myself. I then spend the next week or so wondering what took me so long to go.

This time, not so much. As my facebook update put it...

"Was just snatched bald by the woman at great clips. Plus I had to pay her for the insult. I'm so mad I'm shaking!"

It's a long a rather boring story so I'll skip the finer details. The long and the short of it is, I came in long and left exceeding short. I'm vain, and for me my hair is the one thing I feel good about. I don't dress in style or exactly have a trim figure. So for me my hair was my 'thing'. Now that I've been shaved like a boot camp enlistee, I'm a little off my game.

Which brings me to the point of the post. Hats. For the next few weeks I'll be wearing a lot of them. I thought I'd share some of my rather eclectic gathering of head wear.

The 30's style English Cap. I love this hat. I've worn it out in public many times. Usually to the wifes chagrin. She's a good sport but tends to shy from attention. This hat brings attention...

Speaking of attention! I bought this beauty at the Mall of America while I was on a speech team meet. Us California dwellers were in high fashion that day. I doubt I've worn it since.

It's hard not to feel cool in a Fedora. Seriously. I used to dress up as a gangster every Halloween just for the excuse of wearing this hat.

Ah yes! My fathers Greek sailors cap. Add this to the "never allowed to wear with Patricia" list. She never says it, but you can see the fear in her eyes when I put this on.

Plus it is a wee bit big for me. My old man had a huge head!

Whenever I put this on I feel like I should dawn some slickers and go fishing on a huge boat. Luckily I never follow through on that absurd tendency.

Another of my fathers caps. It has his first inital and last name in it, so I presume it's Navy issue. He was stationed in the Philippines in the mid 60's. Had some strange stories of bitter beer and poorly translated American songs...

I suppose this is a pretty normal hat to wear. Your average baseball cap. I bought it at the first Giants game I attended in AT&T Park.

Trouble is it looks brand new, because I never wear it! And with the Giants going to series I'd feel like a fair weather fan. So I just too embarrassed to go out in it.

So this is my hat of choice. A tech hat from a long dead optics manufacturing company in Boston. Quantum Bridge. Of course that's not what it looks like at first glance.

"Hey, do you work at Quiznos?!"
"No.. This company made campus based switching architecture in the early 00's-"
"-I like their grilled sandwiches!"
"Yeah. Me too."

So that's me for the next few weeks. If you see me, don't ask. I'm not going to show you my hair! :)

The Car Recall

"Did you hear about the recall?"

"Excuse me?"

"The car recall! Did you hear about it?"

"I have no clue what you're saying."

"Seems they are recalling 1.5 million cars."

"That's going to take forever! Who's doing it."

"The car company employees I suppose....who else would do it?"

"Are they asking thier friends to help?"

"What? Look I have this funny feeling that you and I aren't on the same page. Cars. Recall. Understand?"

"The first one was a red one. With a black bumper..."


"The second was puce and chrome with a gray interior. No FM radio. Listened to a lot of Frank Sinatra and talk shows."

"uh... Jim."

"The third was Burnt Sienna, a scrumptious color, and if I recall it smelled strongly of pork rinds. It is now the property of my second ex-wife."

"Jim, what the hell are you doing?"

"Recalling my cars. Luckily I've not had anywhere near 1.5 million of them."

"You know, Jim, I really hate talking to you sometimes."

"You brought it up Phil, not me. Besides, I'm the only one working here. You haven't even tried to recall a single car. We're pretty behind here! Oh I know. What about that one you had when you and Doreen were dating. The little Ford pickup."

"A great little truck. There was this one night I recall vividly! Doreen and I drove out the lake and crashed a big ol bonfire party. Talked, ate and got free drinks and dessert It was awesome. I think we were there for an hour or more before that group confessed they had no clue who we were or why we were eating their hamburgers."


"Scouts honor."

"Well! What happened?!"

"Oh, right. Well, pretend to get real upset and left in a huff. Even took a burger for the road!"

"Wait...was that the same night that you 'broke down' at Higgins Hallow?"

"Ah...Yeah. Good times. That was the last night that car was drivable."

"What a wreck that was."

"Better my car then me I suppose."

"Yea, I've never seen that much buckshot. He musta emptied 4 boxes of shells in that car."

"More like 10."

"Never date a girl who's daddy has shotgun collection."

"Those are words to live by. Hey, since we're recalling. What about that baby blue Dodge you bought for 4 C notes?"

"Scott? A very social care. People were always hooking and waving at me."

"More like screaming and giving you the finger."

"That's because I merged on the freeway at 24MPH and hit a top speed of 39 and a half. come to think of it. I hated that gutless pile of crap. Sold it for $100. Poor sap got taken."

"Look here comes Pete"

"Phil, Bob! Did you guys hear about the recall?"

"We were just talking about that..."

Software Coders Needed

I hate coding. Seriously I'm the last person you want staring at code all day. I'm dyslexic and my brain is completely disorganized. I have never been capable of thinking in a straight line. I work in circles rarely completing a full thought, and leaving sentences hanging in most of my conversations. I have never successfully followed all the directions in any manual or instruction booklet, nor do I wish to. Personally I believe that is what makes me a good troubleshooter. I work more on instinct and jump quickly from thought to thought. My boss rarely asks anyone to work with me on projects in an effort to maintain the sanity of my co-workers.

These qualities might lead me to fix a hardware or network error in record time, but they are near useless for any one looking for good linear process. As I have been painfully reminded today, code requires straight line logic. I got none.

Even with this shortcoming I am on occasion relegated to the task of mashing code. Mostly because there is no one else around to do it. Code mashing is the only appropriate term for what I do. Actually pulverizing isn't bad either. Email I sent to my boss two weeks ago after a similar assigment.

subject : I now code in VBS

4.5 hours for 2 lines of code.
Do I get a pay raise or do I get fired?


Given that benchmark, and the fact that I'm still gainfully employed, I figure I have a decent chance of improving on todays task. I set out to accomplish a simple task. Or rather what I presumed to be a simple task. Find out how many client computers on my network where missing anti-virus software. We have a nice shiny and expensive Altiris Management Server. You would expect there to be big button like:

"Tell me if everyone has anti-virus software installed on their PC so some dingle butt in accounting doesn't bring the network down while searching for chili recipes on the Internet"

Look as I might there was nothing like that. Only the ominous, "insert your raw SQL query here" field. Raw SQL? Sounds like a dermatologist nightmare.

Well it only took 3 hours, 12 Google searches and 7 or so typo's for me to finally get the query working. I sent out another email.

subject :Software Filter in Altiris


Anyone needing a software filer added to Altiris should ask me within the 15 minutes. After that time the process will be removed from my brain as an act of self preservation.


It's been 2 hours. It's gone now and I can think straight, er not so straight, again.

Edgar the Friendly Computer

Some things are just scary. Public speaking, bungee jumping and spending a weekend alone with a four year old. Other things are just vile. Things like poopy diapers and pickled herring. Personally I can't tell the difference between the two.

For some the list of things they are scared of is rather short. On that list would be, flinging ones self off a roof top with only a pull-cord to save your skin. For me it would include holding a bull frog. The fact is though, everyone is scared of something. The obvious fears aside, there are also people out there with a fear of our friend. The beloved computer.

For whatever reason technology scares some people. A man will go to the store, buy the most expensive computer he can afford and then not use it for fear of breaking it. When I used to do tech support, I would tell people, "There's nothing you can do to hurt this machine save throwing it out the window. Everything is fixable." Obviously I lied to them. In part because my customers were complete dingle heads and could break a cotton ball but mostly I lied in order to relax them.

When you are relaxed, you tend to trust your instincts more and are less likely to make mistakes. When you're relaxed you can recall what you've done and remember the step required to finish something. So how do you make people relax around technology?

I think it's all in the name. A computer named HAL evokes fear, anxiety and mistrust. Who wants to trust your taxes or bank accounts to a computer named after a maleficent electronic entity?

"Tell me what my bank balance is HAL?"
"I can't do that Peter."

But change the name to Edgar and it's not so scary. It sounds downright friendly. Who would be afraid of a computer named Edgar?

"Check the home security system Edgar"
"I've unlocked all the doors and sent ransom notes to the local constabulary."
"Edgar, you old card!"

See no fear at all. Sure you'll be a bit peeved when you're picking slugs out of your abdomen. But later after the clotting kicks in and the pain pills have begun their work, you'll smile, knowing Edgar was just 'having a good time' at your expense.

You'll even have a better time taking it apart piece by piece and mangling the boards in the blender.

"Next time I'm getting a computer named Raymond."


Did I mention I hate dieting? I wonder if there is a geographical equivalent for bacon?

The Greeks Vs The Geeks

The Greeks are up to their old tricks again... Only this time instead of attacking their arch rivals the Trojans, they're after us. The geeks.

And instead of unloading a pile of heavily armed soldiers on unsuspecting townsfolk, they've buried us in SPAM. Times change. But tactics rarely do.


He didn't open it. Get another horse ready...

"Click here. No Greeks in this email"


"Jan wants to be your Facebook friend"
"Really? Wait a minute... [delete]"

Almost got him...

Anyway the gates are holding, but you wonder for how long. Those Ancient Greeks are crafty and virtual horses are so much easier to come by...

20 Things I Learned From Marriage

  • As a single person, you never imagined you could have a fight over a tube of toothpaste.

  • You don't have to recall everything you've said. Once you're married someone else will do that for you!

  • Flowers can fix almost anything. For everything else there's superglue.

  • Marriage is compromise. No where is this more apparent than while watching television

  • Will tonight be Norm making a drop leaf table or stomaching three hours of Gone with the Wind?

  • Beauty is fleeting, but a good cook is forever prized!

  • All the cute quirks while dating will morph into the unbearable habits after marriage!

  • Saying "you're right" is harder than saying, "I was wrong."

  • Before marriage you were right much more often.

  • A twin bed was fun at first but cold feet get old pretty fast.

  • Invest in a comfortable couch. Trust me on this.

  • Before marriage I had zero clue what women went through to "get ready"

  • Nor was I aware of 'which blouse went with which shoes"

  • On the flip side my wife said, "If I'd have known how gross boys were, I never would have married you."

  • Communication is important. Even if she wants to talk at 2:00am

  • Understanding is more important than a solution.

  • Until this sinks in, see #3

  • You buy wedding rings so you can recall what it was like to have money.

  • Life is so much more fun if you have someone to share it with.

  • I'd do all over again at the drop of a hat!
  • Lazy Thursday Blues: Caption 29

    Anyone still here who remembers how to do these?! Here are a couple to get you started...

    Now I see why I got it for such a good deal...

    It was the Hamburgler... I swear!

    It looked better in the store...

    Found on the Internet:
    1.) Mono Face A serious good time!

    2.) Screaming Beans YES!


    I came home last night from work to find a bird cage with two finches hanging on my porch.

    "I went to the pet store..."
    "I see."
    "It's no big deal because I'll keep them outside."

    About 2 hours later a neighbor cat had climbed our Japanese maple tree and had it's paw in the finch cage.

    Needless to say I have a cage with two eeping finches in my house. I have this funny feeling it's going to be inside for a bit.


    They're cute but noisy. At least there's only two of them...for now.

    Talk Like A Pirate Day 2010

    Today is talk like a pirate day. The one day every year when it is Okay to drink rum in copious amounts and slit as many throats as you please!

    "What are you doing son!"
    "It's talk like a pirate day officer!"
    "Oh, well carry on then"

    First you have to learn how to talk like a pirate!

    Now that ye know how t' talk like a gentleman o' fortune go ou' an' woo some lasses, drink some mead an' live 't up. On accoun' o' once 'tis low tide, ye be havin' t' go aft t' bein' a civilized swabbie next high tide'.

    Now get your Pirate Name I'm "Fishbait Van Horne"

    Still not getting it?

    Try this Pirate Translator

    Past Pirate Post:

    Hoisting The Jolly Roger

    Now go out and live like today is your last and tomorrow someone might swing down from the mainsail and blow a blunderbuss in your ugly mug!

    Nintendo Bedding Set

    Oh no you did not!!!

    Yes. Yes you did. Not to be rude, but I forsee mostly single player campaigns in this bed.

    "Player 2, press 'start' to join..."
    "Player 2?"


    Took the wife to see Inception last night. I had seen it once before about a month ago and wanted Patricia to see it before it left the big screen. Before I go any further, I should warn you. This isn't a movie review, but I plan on chatting freely about the film, so if you don't want to know anything skip this post.

    I watched the movie four weeks ago, and I've been thinking about it every since. It reminded me of loads of SciFi movies I've seen before. Most notably The Thirteenth Floor and Dark City. Mostly because they both dealt with dream mastery. Some will call this similar to The Matrix but I believe they would be wrong. There are some similarities to the filming (action sequences in the hotel) but the plots are quite dissimilar in my mind.

    Inception was unique in many ways. That is what made this movie so special for me. It broke new ground. It wasn't a retelling of an old story with a fresh soundtrack and updated graphics (my worries of what the newest Tron: Legacy will be...)

    Inception showed us an world that accepted shared dreaming. Large corporations, the military, vast criminal underbelly and third world commoners all were completely aware of the experience. From the time lines presented in the film, Cobb had been a student of architecture under his father-in-law during his 20's (a guess). At the time of recruiting his replacement I would put him at 35 or 40ish.

    That marks off a time of fifteen to twenty years of shared dreaming. That's longer than we've had the iPod. So long that folks have learned to specialize. A forger, a thief, dreamers, chemists and the aforementioned architects. As we saw from Ariadne original dream the world is pliable, but given the reason for dreaming (to steal information or in this case, plant and idea) the dream state had to feel real. As such we didn't get to see much of the potential fluidity of the dreaming state.

    The concept of a lived in world, an understood technology was one that intrigued me. The fact that Tom could get mad at Nash for dreaming the wrong material in the rug shows how far they had pushed this technology. It was something that had been mastered and refined. It was an art form. Add to this that certain individuals had hired dream coaches to help protected them from extractions. Clearly this is not emerging technology, but an understood concept.

    The movie makers even went so far as to realize that everyone dreams differently. The experience and personality of one person cannot be placed on another. The architects can give them the layout, the maze, but they supply the texture.

    In this way we see how Arthur's' dreams, the original Japanese castle and the 40's style hotel, were in stark contrast to the rather showy personality of Eames and his snow fortress. You can imagine the difference if each were tasked with the others level. The layout, or maze, would be the same but the textures would be different.

    If you noticed while Ariadne was constructing the maze in the workshop, it was all in white. It was not her job to add layers, just the layout and the structure. An interesting concept. This world and concept leaves a lot to the imagination, but the film added more detail than I noticed the first time through. An amazing amount of thought went into this.

    There were also some holes. Such as none of the other dreamers subconsciouses showing in the world. Only the subjects. If Fisher could militarize his projections, why couldn't Eames provide a counter army? Clearly Cobb's projections were there. Why not others? More than likely it would have been too confusing for the viewer, but the concept is fun to explore.

    Of course the part of this film that is getting the most attention is the end. That's too bad, as there is so much more to this movie than an brain teaser ending.

    For me Inception is not about the ending. I accept that Cobb has found his reality. I believe it is our reality, but for the first time, since waking up from his 50 year limbo with Mal, the dream does not define him. That is his breakthrough. We didn't see the totem fall, not because he was dreaming, but because he didn't need it to tell him he was awake.

    All in all a great movie, both visually and in concept. Inception was a true work of art.

    9:59 On Wednesday

    It's 9:59 on Wednesday night and I've just been kicked out the bed that I paid for. Where is the justice in that? Seriously?

    "You know Epcot looks pretty cool. I was just talking to my boss about it today.."
    "Please stop talking."
    "What, what!? Please stop. You're making me noxious."
    "I was just saying that they actually have people speaking in different languages"
    "You're gesturing with your hands and rocking the bed!"
    "Oh. Well I was just saying-"
    "No one can see what you're doing with your hands!"
    "First you try to kill us both with the unholy odor of your socks and now you are torturing me by denying my body of sleep."
    "It's not even 10:00"
    "Well, I'm not tired."
    "You didn't get up at 5:00 this morning. And every morning this week!"
    "Well no. But you fell asleep during the movie about 40 minutes ago."
    "And why did you wake me up?"
    "So we could go to bed."
    "Yet you're not letting us sleep. Because of your incessant jabbering nonsense!"
    "I was just thinking about Epcot."
    "Am I honestly not doing enough by getting up at 5:00AM to get you and the girls ready every morning that I have to be asphyxiated at night by rotting feet and then subjected to the musings of a boring turtle rocking the bed?"
    "Good night Peter."
    "You know we've got gigantic cutlery.."
    "Seriously? What part of "please shut up" are you missing? Peter! Stop talking! Honestly, no joke. Go play your demonic game or watch your stupid show."
    "It's not demonic."
    "You have minions and you control an abyss... Look, I'm not having this conversion!"
    "You know.."
    "SHUT UP!"

    At which point she started half laughing and half crying. I think she might be a wee bit tired. So here I am. It's times like this when you wonder; do my feet really stink that bad or was she just lashing out in hopes of driving me out long enough to drift into a deep sleep.

    I wonder...

    20 Things I've Learned From Dieting

  • Dieting is the direct opposite of everything else in life. It's easier to gain, than it is to lose.

  • If you're not allowed to eat it on your diet, then it's all you'll want.

  • kitchen tables are suppose to be a place of joy, not weeping and gnashing of teeth.

  • Exercising builds muscle. Muscle weighs more than fat. Which means it's possible to eat right, exercise and gain at your next weigh in. Breaking your scale isn't the solution

  • My scale and I have a love/hate relationship. It loves to hate me.

  • We're going to need another scale...

  • When on a diet, you'll find that there's a fast food joint on every single street corner in town.

  • Even gross fast food sounds better that a low calorie microwaved boxed meal. Not surprising really.

  • If your portion of food is bigger than the palm of your hand, then it might actually fill you up.

  • Counting calories. It's like gambling for dieters. "Hit me with a string cheese!"

  • I've been on a diet for three weeks and all I've lost is my sanity.

  • Nonfat, no-whip, sugar free tall mochas, aren't worth $4.50.

  • If you plan on cheating, do yourself a favor and don't weigh in for a couple of days. We just bought a new scale...

  • Extra cheese doesn't count, if ordered on a vegetarian pizza.

  • While dieting, the world seems packed with skinny people eating hamburgers and fries.

  • Do what I do. Wish them fat. I know it works because someone did it to me 13 years ago...

  • Comfortable jeans really are their own reward.

  • Even if it's only because you dare not wash them!

  • I like mushrooms, bell peppers and tomatoes but lets not pretend it wouldn't taste SO MUCH better on a pizza

  • I'm not overweight, I'm just prepping for an extended Antarctic expedition...but we're gonna need more dogs for the sled.