Starbucks Coffee

Can I get a lemon scone with that?

Your Bacon

In all honestly I'd rather be saving my own bacon.

Taking A Stab At Unicorns

Unicorns are a mythological creature. They are a fantasy, much in the same way as this blogs popularity is. They don't exist except in the minds of story spinners and in a few odd corners of Manhattan. For the most part people accept this and move on with their lives understanding that they will never get to see one.

Others defy this logic and spend hours of their lives gluing horns on horses heads in some vein attempt to re-capture their youthful imagination, a good photo op from the local newspaper or just a good portion of someone else's hard earned money in the kitty of their traveling freak show. Some people will just never learn.

"Welcome to my unicorn farm."

"Where are their horns?"

"We cut them off every year and sell them as party hats to the tourists."

"Doesn't that hurt the Unicorns?"

"No. Don't be silly. It's just like getting a haircut."

Unicorns do exist, I rode one at the fair. That's a lie. I didn't ride it, but I did see it. No I'm kidding, I never go to the fair. That's a lie too. I love the fair, well... sometimes. Mostly though I just like to go into the hall of 'seen on TV' products and marvel at the wonders of non-stick waffle and salsa makers and wonder why everyone on Earth isn't using this amazing new whammy shammy to clean up messes! So anyway... what was I saying?

Right. Unicorns like bacon. No... that wasn't it. They do, but we weren't addressing their dietary needs. Ah yes, I recall.

Ahem...Science cannot disprove the existence of unicorns. So too bad for the folks who brought us the explanation of osmosis, the correct atomic weight of barium and my personal favorite, the inclined plane. So sorry, but with all the white lab coats in the world, not even the brave men and women of science can claim the unseen doesn't exist. Just that it's highly unlikely. And if they do, these creepy horse horned things somehow managed to avoid dying in river beds and begin covered in sedimentary rock for all these years.

Regardless people will still hold some unnatural obsession with the most boring of all these mythical beasts. The one horned horse. The white, good natured one horned horse. I'm sorry but if I'm going to believe in a myth, at least it should be slightly interesting. Like a Minotaur or a Hydra. Sure they're deadly, but hey, you always know when you've seen one.

"Was that a man with the head of a bull wielding an axe?"

"No Bob... I think your eyes are just playing tricks on you again."

20 Things I Learned From Life

  • Between conspiracy and incompetency, bet on incompetency.

  • There is no such thing as extra cash, unless it belongs to someone else.

  • Some pain is unavoidable. The rest is usually of your own doing.

  • There will always be someone smarter than you. In a battle of wits, if you can't win, you can always cheat!

  • No matter how good a driver you think you are, at some point, you will get honked at a called a dirty name.

  • Life is more fun when you can laugh at yourself, but the most fun when you can laugh at someone else.

  • Life is too short to eat Brussels sprouts. See item 3

  • Children are a joy in your life, especially when they are sleeping.

  • You can always use another cup of coffee.

  • Paperwork is an invention of the Devil. There can be no other explanation.

  • Life without video games is not a life worth living.

  • If at all possible avoid public restrooms. If not possible, keep your will up to date.

  • If your are a man, avoid all conversation in said restrooms. Get in, do your business get out. If you are a woman, ignore this advice completely.

  • Think before you speak. Idle words can sometimes cause the most harm.

  • If the above is not possible, then at least try and be witty about it. That way you can pass it off as a good joke and the offended person as someone with no 'sense of humor'.

  • If you find you aren't suited for any honest professions, try your hand at politics. Everyone loves a liar and a cheat.

  • Plant at least one tree in your life. This means you can drive an SUV with a 'Love Your Mother Earth' bumper sticker without feeling guilty.

  • Avoid accepting too much blame for things you've done wrong. See item 3.

  • Worry less. Eat more bacon. You might live a shorter life, but at least you will smile more.

  • Relax and enjoy what you've been given. Somewhere someone else wishes they could live your life.
  • Doing Harm

    This foe must be stopped!

    Plastic Cutlery

    I have nothing to say, but I'm here anyway
    I have nothing to type, but the same old tripe
    I have seen nothing new, but I'll do as I do
    And pump out more lines and waste all my time
    Doing this thing that I can't seem to shake!

    Sometimes I just sit at my keyboard and wonder, "Why blog?" The only answer I have is, "Because Peter, if you don't, this stuff will stay in your head. While there it will begin to crowd out the more important stuff like, 'how to wear trousers' and 'that one should never poke policemen with cutlery'. This knowledge is important, and you don't want it pushed aside by the inconsequential garbage used to fill up blog posts."

    Or there you are one day, walking around town with just your underpants jabbing away at some cop with a plastic knife and then what do you have? That's right, and fractured skull and grounds for a giant lawsuit. So...

    ...hmmm. Anyone know where I can get some plastic cutlery and a really cushy hat?

    The Kamikaze Fly

    Look to the sky
    He comes! He's here!
    The kamikaze fly

    Right in your face
    Retreat! Beware!
    Invading your space

    Odds against him
    You're Big! He's Small!
    Risking life and limb

    Dive bombing nut
    At full throttle!
    Right into my gut

    Spinning and thrashing
    Swiping! Chasing!
    With arms a lashing

    Yet on he dives
    Retreat! Retreat!
    If only to survive

    Peter Brown 2008