The Book Parade

My wife loves is when the local library has their book sale. She spends hours perusing and then comes home with a load of grocery bags full of books we never read.

The Outdated Western Farms Garden- How to maintain your garden in bell bottoms and leisure suits.

The Router Handbook- 100 completely unsafe things to do with your 1/2 hp fixed base router in a series of poorly drawn diagrams.

The Jello Book - A disturbing collage of chiffon dresses, pipe smoking dads and lobster shaped jello molds.

The English Breakfast Book- Jellied Eels and everything else you never wanted to know about what British people will put on toast.

The Whispers of Tarnis- Book 25 of a 85 book fantasy series, that you will never understand without the 24 previous books.

Discovering Inner Failings- A self help book written to show you why you need another self help book.

Silicon Valley in 1979- How boring people can take a boring subject and craft it into the definitively useless coffee table book.

How To Clean Practically Anything- Whisk aways hours you could be spending with your kids or spouse agonizing over a stain that no one ever even noticed.

Anything by Charles Dickens- Why even your worst childhood memories are better that anything that ever happened to people in a Dickens novel.

The next one is coming in April. I'll try to contain myself...

Fantastically Lacking Post Collage

In looking over the suggestions remaining in the Will Work For Posts post I decided to combine them into a fantastically lacking post collage. Why a collage? It sounds better than hodgepodge....

Suggestion by Homestyle Mama (with a side of autism):"I really liked your coffee post. The one where the cup never emptied :)"

I don't think this was so much a suggestion as just a reader being polite. Sort of, "I kinda liked it when you lost your mind and driveled on about nonsense for like 400 words." I'm glad you liked that and equally surprised that you got through the post in it's entirety. These posts are a main reason why I blog. To get this stuff out of my brain.

My wife used to have to listen to my hair-brain theories at length while driving in the car or lying in bed. She too is glad that I now post them instead of talking to her about them. Don't fret, more like this will always be supplied by my semi-broken brain. Stick around...

Suggestion by Tina:you could train to be a firefighter! "Kludge on Fire"!"

No. I would actually die. I have enough embarrassing stories, I don't need my eulogy to be one as well...

Suggestion by Tim:"Why is it that commuters all have ADD. I see the same commuters every morning with their gps on. Did they forget how to get to work after going to sleep the night before?"

Totally got this one... I uh... because aliens...er unicorns...no...ah because they're stupid. Yeah. They're a bunch of dummies.

I honestly don't know. I really want to make something cool out of this one, but I'm failing. You win, Tim. I got nothing. Sorry.

Suggestion by Tina:"why is it that a kid can have 6 pounds of food caked around his mouth, and he's okay with that - but if his hands are in any way remotely dirty, everything has to stop and we have to "wash up"?"

Having two kids I have found out that they really don't make any sense. Who programs the new kid models coming down the pipe?! Has it always been like this? Did our parents just pretend that we were smart because they didn't want to lose face in front of their friends?

For a while I thought it was just my kids. My eldest girl, Alexis has down syndrome. More often than not Alexis makes sense. You can't explain things to her, and she's not caught up developmentally but she rarely behaves in a matter that doesn't make sense. We turn off the TV and she gets mad. We tell her we have to brush her hair, she cries. We tickle her and she laughs. It's not easy, but it is logical.

Hannah, my five year old, on the other hand is broken. She refuses to go to the bathroom until the last possible second. She has to scream and run in an effort to 'keep the pee in" She likes corn, peas, salad and refuses to eat pop tarts.

She can fall and scrape up half the skin on her legs and be fine. "No big deal Dad, see? It doesn't hurt," but put a fly in the room and she'll start bawling and freaking out.

They're all broken models with buggy code. I can't think of any other explanation. We have to keep upgrading them with knowledge and hope their little processors can handle the strain...


Thanks everyone for the ideas! I appreciate it!

How People See Me: PC Gamer

A little mindless humor...

Let me know what you think, or do one for yourself! Here's a blank template for you. It's pretty fun.

Slamming Headache

Suggestion by HMC4ever12 : "What are your thoughts on slam poetry? have you ever been in/seen a performance?"

I have a headache. Not one of those little nagging ones. I mean a real mother-lode type headache. The type where you can feel the blood pulsing through your skull "thump-thump. thump-thump" It's rhythm is haunting, its beat is entrancing and the pain of it is just at the edge of bearable. It hurts you but in a strange way...you almost like it. You wear it like a badge of honor, a shield of office. I'm tough enough, I'm strong enough to feel all this pain and keep on going. I can handle the harrowing, throbbing, pulsing, pushing, pain that is Slam Poetry.

I know that's the cause this headache. It all started with HMC4ever12's comment to my "Will Work For Posts" entry. Seriously. I looked at that comment for a week straight thinking to myself. Yeah, maybe I'll try to tackle that one. I seems like a fun premise for a post. I was thinking of some 1960's stereotype, sporting a goatee, black turtleneck and round dark sunglass. There he is in his beret, sipping a latte snapping his fingers and yammering on about nonsense.

That is not slam poetry. Slam poetry is a headache waiting to pounce on you. I watched about a dozen performances on the net at various Slam Poetry Soapboxes. Apparently the heart of this competition is the urbanizing of poetry. You dress casually, grooming is optional and the audience is allow to hoot or hail with interruptions. Walt Witman, Lord Byron and Odgen Nash would have no place here. Slam poetry isn't for the aristocrat, it's for the great unwashed.

Yeah that's right, it's for the little guy! A way to let his voice be heard by the man! You can't rhyme, but you are allowed to yell. Yelling means you're passionate. Oh and swearing. Swearing means you're REALLY passionate. You would think that poets would be able to find more descriptive words to relate their meaning to the ever 'hooting' crowd but not so. Adjectives, it seems, are a tool of the upper crust and not for use in Slam Poetry. The more swearing the more hooting from the gallery and the better your score.

So, while it might not be for me I can certainly see the appeal. I used to perform poetry in completion very similar to that. In college I was in many interpretive speech competitions. It was fun. I liked the crowds, the other competitors and the way it felt to bring life (or death) to a piece of poetry. Besides the microphones, hooting calls, swearing, yelling and dreadlocks it almost took me back to my college days...

...almost.

Network Engineer: How People See Me

There is a new meme going around. How people see me, here's the one I just did.



Let me know what you think, or do one for yourself! Here's a blank template for you. It's pretty fun.

FauxCation

In the middle of February Patricia and I went on a FauxCation. We knew we couldn't get away for any period of time, but thought we might enjoy some time off while the younglins were in school. Add to that a brilliant showing by my inlaws offering to take two sick girls all day and night Friday and we even managed to stay in a hotel one night.

It was quite relaxing. During our Friday and Saturday we teamed up with Patricia's sister and her husband for a jaunt into San Francisco. It's a city that we've been to many, many times. This time though, we decided to go as tourists and see what oddities we could find.


First was a trip to the Exploratorium at The Palace of Fine Arts.
We pushed grade school kids on field trips aside and tried our hands at all the science exhibits they had to offer. Then I saw this..



Next we took a drive down Lombard street. Apparently my sister-in-law had never done that, as she was hanging out the window of the car while we were driving down Lombard street yelling to Patricia to slow down so she could get a picture. This aroused the tourist who then started taking pictures of us. Her husband responded to this by sticking his head out the window and yelled to the onlookers that we were locals and that everything was cool.


After we all regained our composure... we found our selves here: Coit Tower.



The view was impressive.


Out front is Christopher Columbus. See that in his left hand? Some local decided that Columbus needed a Diet Coke. Unopened. After his voyage I'm sure he appreciated it.



The nastiest looking but best tasting, raw, gluten-free, vegan stack food you can over pay for at Whole Foods. Yum...


Kale Kruch was good, but real food was needed too. Pub Grub. Fish & Chips, Mushy Peas, Boston Bibb Salad, and IPA. Lunch is done!



We then padded down to Ghirardelli Square for something sweet. While browsing through toys in a shop I met a die-hard Star Wars fan. She looked at me and said, "I'd like to show you something special" This is was I got!



Those are light saber tattoos. She claims the experience was extremely painful and unpleasant. I can only imagine. Another fantastic quote from Star-Wars girl, "My living room is done in Star Wars, Batman and leopard print. The boyfriend has to adjust." Freaking Awesome.

We started Saturday with a 2 1/2 hour tour of AT&T park. I have to say, I wouldn't know a baseball stat if in got in bed with me, but I completely enjoyed the tour. My brother in law on the other hand, could have given the tour himself and was extremely happy with our choice of venues for the morning!

Hanging in the Press Box.



Chilling on the field.


And my personal favorite. A lonely Cubs clock hanging in the Giants club house. Slowly ticking away it's time until another chance for a pennant comes its way...



After that we went to pier 39. It was pigeon kicking season and were in top shape. Seriously. The sheer number of pigeons was insane. People were screaming all around us and a unlucky patron eating her clam chowder in a sourdough bread bowl had a little "extra flavoring" from one of the flying beasties. I sympathized with her as I giggled and covered my bowl with my hand...

The last picture I leave you with is a crowd surrounding a local band, belting our their odd SF funky sound while sporty that musical instrument of legend. The Keytar!

Is There Pork in Heaven?

Suggestion by QueenBear: "Why don't you tell us what happens to people when they die? Do their spirits stay with us? Or are they in some other dimension where they don't have anything to do with us? Or do we just turn to dirt? What do you think?"

Thanks for the question! We've all heard stories of ghost sightings and strange occurrences regarding the great beyond. Houses where people swear they are haunted by the spirit of a soul unwilling to ascend into heaven. Seems strange to me a soul not willing to climb the steps to the pearly gates in order to remain on this mortal plane, and then it occurred to me. The truth of it depends on a single question, "Is there any pork in heaven?"

We all know that Jesus said that his Father was busy making houses for us in heaven. Apparently it wasn't only his Earthly dad that was a carpenter, but also his heavenly one. This means that if we're game then we have digs in heaven. Golden mansions in a perfect world. Considering God's other creations it should be pretty boss up there... where ever that may be.

But we also know that Man was created after God's own image and that the Jewish people are Gods chosen people. We also know that Orthodox Jews don't eat cloven toes animals, a category that three of my favorite animals are included in; the ham animal, the sausage animal and the bacon animal. That of course begs that next question... is God down with pork? Maybe that's why he outlawed it among his people.

"This one is no good."

"What do you mean God, this animal is perfect. Eve and I love the pig!"

"No. It's too good, too much flavor and possibilities. It's banned, off the list. Got it?"

"Okay... What are we going to do with all these?"

"You can keep them around in case we need to send an evil spirit into it or something..."

I know that the possibilities of the lack of bacon topside one of my primary concerns and so I figure it's something on the minds of all my readers. Lets delve further into this...

We know that in the book of Acts Peter claimed a vision that told him it was cool to eat pigs. Something that apparently was a bit of a shock to him. In addition it told him it was cool to dine with Gentiles which was even more of a shock. Peter had a lot of crazy ideas (yeah I kind of liked him) including going Van Gogh on some soldiers ear and hanging to death by his feet. (not my first pick method of leaving this world)

So the question is, was Peter right and did God say he was fine with the idea, or was Peter just smelling some amazing pork BBQ at the Centurions house and had an episode? I don't rightly know. (as you can probably guess, theology has never been my strong suit) I would like to believe that even if God didn't like pork, lamb, goat or other unclean animals he would suffer us having them. Sort of like the way vegetarians all look down at us critter crunchers but still will dine with us.

So that's what I think. People go to heaven, and hopefully when we get there we can have pork chops, apple sauce and a big hunk of leavened bread.

Will Work For Posts

I need to post to get the last post off the top but I haven't got much to talk about. This blog has never been a journal, and I don't intend it to become that. This has alway been a place for me to share my most ridiculous ideas and a place for me to try and be creative.

So posting that I'm not eating much, working hard or engaged in politics just doesn't cut it.

I haven't had any new ideas either. So here we are again for like the gazillionth time where I petition for your ideas.

Here's the plan: You post a simple idea and I pledge to make 300 words from it. If I fail you win, if I succeed you have something to read. Deal?

Let er rip...

Winner!

Last night at 8:12 I realized I hadn't drawn names yet!

So I cut up an Offical KludgeSpot Pink Post-it© note and hastily scribbled names on it. Given the sheer volume of past winners in the mix I'm blown away that there wasn't a repeat winner...



This pen is heading to Missy in the sweltering Arizona heat! Congrats, and thanks to everyone for playing and keep looking forward to the next one!

Shoot me an email with your address and I get this heading your way!

January Pen Giveaway

It's time for another Pen Giveaway! Click here for past giveaway results. I will be giving away another of my cross style pens. This one is made of Brazilian Cherry (Jatoba) and is super slick!



All you need to do to enter is comment below. As I'm still in the middle of my diet, I would love to hear what you all are eating. If it has any meat or cheese in it, you can bet it's better than what I'm eating, or just say hello if that's too much work for you...

Like Kludge Spot on Facebook and you get a second entry in the drawing. (With a qualifying comment below)



The Game Rules:

1. No vulgarity. I reserve the right to delete any comment. This will remove you from the contest.

2. Wining. I will randomly draw the wining name from a hat on Sunday January 29th of all caption entries. The winner will be contacted Sunday evening via email, and announced Monday January 30th.

3. United States for free shipping. If you live elsewhere and don't mind pitching in the extra cost for international shipping (about $8 I think) I'll totally ship it to you

4. Contact. I need a way to let you know you've won the prize. And I'll need your shipping address to send it to you. So sign up with blogger, or OpenID, or something that I can contact you with. Otherwise I'll move on to another contestant.

5. Have Fun!