20 Things Not To Do With Your Computer

Suggestion by Drama Queen
  • Dancing. Computers make lousy dance partners, unless we're talking laptops, as they tend to be more spry.

  • Yelling. Or any antagonizing posture. Don't get mad at your computer, remember it has access to your bank statements.

  • Deep sea diving. Uh, duh! Everyone knows computers are scared of tuna.

  • Traveling to the Himalayas. Computers are scared of falling. Lets be honest, you would be too if you knew you had to stay broken while your closest part was shipped in by Yak!

  • Going to an accordion festival. No one likes accordions, not even computers.

  • Going to a bagpipe festival. See above.

  • Networking it with a Mac. Lets face it, it's hard to socialize with people you don't understand. I mean honestly... click and drag!?

  • Taking it on a roller-coaster. Computers love high speeds, and would probably love roller-coasters, it's just their peripherals can fly off... which is bad.

  • Therapy. If you're having that much trouble with your computer, just throw it away. You don't need to make a lifelong commitment to everything.

  • If the above is even a issue, you should forget the computer and just get an Etch-A-Sketch, or if you want even less functionality, get a Mac.

  • Going to the movies. Computers are notorious for giving away the endings to movies, so be considerate and leave the laptop at home.

  • Stealing. Computers make lousy liars and will always rat you out. Don't trust them with your secrets or misdeeds.

  • Taking it to Montana. People in Montana are scared of computers and will shoot them on site.

  • If you're thinking of trying the above, then please note the following. Everyone in Montana has a gun, from grandmas to billy goats, you can count on it.

  • Dating advice. While computers love sifting through data, they cannot recognize a stalker or a mama's boy from a picture and a paragraph.

  • Training monkeys with it. While this should seem obvious to many of you there might be one person that needs to get this message. This is a big no no.

  • Taking over the world. Although it might be capable of helping you with global conquest, it would be wrong. Why not just play some solitaire?

  • Using it as a footstool. This is a demeaning practice for a high end computing device. Besides, thats what kids are for.

  • Throwing it from the highest rooftop. If you hate your computer that much, then why let it off so easy. Taking it apart piece by piece will make it suffer longer.

  • Working. Not that I have to tell you all that anyway.
  • 18 comments:

    Windy City Survivors said...

    Another great post by Kludge. Very creative and entertaining!

    Jeremy said...

    I distinctly remember someone (kludge) saying to his wife last night... "We need to get a Mac." Why the hate?

    kludge said...

    Jeremy-

    That wasn't me, it was evil Peter, and he has been punished.

    It just so hard... I really do enjoy making fun of Mac's!

    kludge said...

    WCS-

    Thanks! I'm chocked full of ideas and ready to roll!

    J Crew said...

    This is pretty good

    jenylu said...

    Very funny & DQ feels pretty good you used her idea. :)

    Loved the etch-a-sketch line!

    Drama Queen said...

    i am honored!

    Jeremy said...

    You said to your wife "We need to get a Mac" - - -wow!!!! What a statement!

    Fernando said...

    Awesome!
    The Kludge is back...
    So is his Spanish alter-ego called Fernando, posting about 20 things in his blogo.
    I´ll be back to post the url...
    Great post.

    kludge said...

    J Crew-

    Thanks.

    kludge said...

    Jenylu-

    Someday I do shake laptops above my head just to see it it will fix anything...

    kludge said...

    Drama Queen-

    Thanks for the suggestion, I really liked it and I appreciated the help!

    kludge said...

    Jeremy-

    Not so loud!!! Someone might hear you!

    kludge said...

    Fernando-

    We'll see how long it lasts!

    Ando said...

    I happen to like the bagpipes mister!

    kludge said...

    Ando-

    You would. :)

    Tony the Finn said...

    "Yelling. Or any antagonizing posture. Don't get mad at your computer, remember it has access to your bank statements."

    Actually, I've fixed a couple of computers by threatening to shoot them. (Which, in addition to fixing computers, proves that computers are actually sentient beings with a self-preservation instinct.)

    And since someone wants to ask details anyway, the important thing is to aim at the correct component and mean it. Now, someone is bound to say "But what if it still doesn't work?" Simple. In that case, that part probably needed replacing anyway.

    "If you're thinking of trying the above, then please note the following. Everyone in Montana has a gun, from grandmas to billy goats, you can count on it."

    Hmm. For some reason I found myself suddenly tempted by the idea of moving to Montana.

    "Taking over the world. Although it might be capable of helping you with global conquest, it would be wrong. Why not just play some solitaire?"

    What is this "wrong" you speak of?

    (Also, I bet the people who take over worlds get to own all those really cool and unfortunately really expensive guns. Unlike a regular schmoe like me. :( )

    kludge said...

    Tony-

    A Finnish Firearms Fanatic! Awesome!

    I totally agree, computers have personalities and need to be kept in check!

    You might very well like Montana, though it might get a little warm for your tastes...