Chew Toy

Here we are, yet again, on the cusp of more knowledge that I'm sure I'm the only one sharing with you today. It has to do with something that has been bouncing around in my head for a number of years. At this point a fair amount of my readers, the ones who have been with me for a while, just signed off. For you poor unfortunate souls who remain, let me explain.

Whenever I start a post with, "bouncing around in my head for a number of years" this is a waring sign. It means you're about to get a major dose of nonsense. There are a good number of people who have had quite enough of my nonsense to last them a good many years. For the rest of you though, let me share with you my thoughts on gum folding.

I'm a gumer, a gumee, er...I mean, I gum. This was not always the case. For the last 3 years I've had a fake tooth attached to a retainer, and was unable to chew gum without taking it out. Since this was not an enjoyable experience for either the gum chewer (gumer) or the gum offerer(gumee)I mostly refrained.

Since I now have my new permanent tooth though, I am a very liberal gumling. I go gumming all over town now, just because I can. My only thing is this. What is the proper way to apply said stick of gum to your mouth?

"What!? Is that what this is all about? What are you talking about?! You just put it in."

"The whole piece?"

"Of course! Why not?! Why are you wasting my time with this gum eating stuff!"

"Aren't you concerned about choking, or how you look?"

"How you look putting gum in? No. Just shove it in there!"

"What about rabbit style. Do you ever 'rabbit' your gum?"

"..."

"You know nibble it a little as you insert it, so it's broken up my the time it's in."

"Never."

"What about model mode?"

"Dare I ask..."

"In all the commercials you always see models folding it in. You know, they sort of catch the one end on the the front of their tongue and then fold the stick in half, smiling all the time. They seem so happy to chew gum. Do you think gum folding makes the gum taste better?"

"I'm not sure how..."

"I mean, you know, am I missing some euphoric gum experience by not folding my gum correctly? Like maybe, it releases certain flavors or something?"

"Well...uh..."

"I try it every once in a while. Mostly though, I just mess up the landing point and instead of folding it, the gum slips back to my throat and I start to gag."

"Wow..."

"Yeah, I know that can't be right. Anyway, I want to keep trying but I'm just not sure it's worth it. What do you think?"

"Think? I'm not sure I can anymore."

17 comments:

Jeremy said...

I don't do stick gum any more.... it seems that most gum manufactures are going the way of the Chiclet nowadays, small little square cubes.

I mostly prefer to nibble these myself... but interesting observations!

kludge said...

Jeremy-

They have their own unique gum psychosis. Mainly these three

1. How many can you chew at once?
2. Do you mix flavors, when you have a variety?
3. Do you smash them with your tongue or teeth.

Needleroozer said...

I am most definately, NOT a gummer. I really can't stand the stuff. Don't shoot me, it takes all kinds.But on the rare occasions that I do chew (Every once in a great while, I will take a piece from a gummee who then says, "But I thought you hated gum!" just to freak them out.), I do the model-fold. Because if you don't, at least for a split-second, it just kinda hangs out of your mouth and you look like you have a long, flat tongue. So I do the cute foldy thing. But not very often.
LB,
Glad the girls are well.

Kaylin said...

It really all depends who you're chewing with... do you want to discreetly insert the gum in front of your boss, or do you want to use the wrapper for a grill when you're done to show your homies you're "down wit it"? These are all important questions to ask oneself. My biggest concern personally has always been those darn flavor crystals that seem to escape from the gum matrix and float around in your mouth like little time bombs waiting to explode mintiness onto your unexpecting taste buds. In any case, you're bound to look like a cow chewing cud, so it doesn't matter how daintily you put the gum in your mouth.

kludge said...

Needleroozer-

I the suppose the joys of munching on a piece of stale tasteless rubber for hours at a time isn't for everyone...

...It's never sounded quite so unappetizing before.

kludge said...

Kaylin-

Thanks for stopping by. yeah I guess that makes sense...

Gum chewing isn't exactly an attractive pastime for onlookers. Sometimes, I like to shove it in sideways, just to break it up a little...

MIssy said...

I love to chew gum, but I hate to be around someone who chews it, the sound it makes is like styrofoam to me. I am a huge loser because if someone asks me if I have a piece of gum, I always say no because I don't want to hear them chewing their gum in my ear. I must have had some childhood trauma I am suppressing!!

kludge said...

Missy-

Sort of a love hate relationship there. How sad...

I have no advice save earmuffs? You might be able to borrow some from your sister...

jenylu said...

For me, gum is all about the dispenser. Not really, but you'd think that was the case the way I am suckered into buying any cute little tin that dispenses gum or mints. :)

Jason said...

Gum should be folded as it is inserted into the mouth. Sort of like a convertible car top, only backwards. Then you suck on the gum for 5 minutes allowing it to moisten. Then the chewing begins and continues until the sugar is gone.

SJ said...

Like jeremy, I do enjoy gum but typically do the small squares/rectangles. If I happen to have stick gum, I have to admit I do fold it - -

As far as the small squares: I sometimes chew 2 at once, don't care for mixing flavors and I smash them with my teeth.

And I have to say this post made me laugh!

Windy City Survivors said...

I like gum, but I hate how they lose their flavor so quickly. Until this post I never thought about how I eat my gum. I still am not sure, I guess I'll have to go buy some and see what I do! :)

kludge said...

Jenylu-

I totally understand! As a matter of fact I used to keep Altoid tins forever, just because I thought I could find a use for them!

kludge said...

Jason-

I'm sorry to say, but I've never sucked on gum for more than a few seconds...

I don't have that sort of patience...

kludge said...

SJ-

You guys are right, the new fad is square...reminds me of a Huey Lewis song...

I'm a tongue smasher myself. Patricia confessed she's a finger smasher.

kludge said...

WCS-

Your probably just more well adjusted than the rest of us gum obsessive individuals...

SJ said...

Finger smasher - interesting - - -