Muffin Balls: The Manifesto

There are few things in life as frustrating as paying money for an inconvenience. Not only paying money for it but being told that it is not an inconvenience but rather a benefit. In fact you should not be resentment of this annoyance, but rather embrace it as a boon. I cannot think of a better example of this than muffin balls.

Thomas English Muffins are exquisite, but I hate them. They taste excellent and the way that the nooks and crannies fill up with warm melted butter is enough to make any mouth water for more. So why is that they cannot remove those stupid, clinging, muffin balls that shower over my counter and trickle down my clothes before wrapping up their package. Surely we cannot be expected to put up with this.

Muffin balls are inedible little shot sized cornmeal balls that are a part of the cooking process. It's an old world tradition. Just like Mr. Thomas used to make, and then send off on his antiquated horse and carriage. We are told that they are a necessary part of the cooking process, in order to keep the muffin from adhering to the pan, or conveyor belt or whatever they use in the Bimbo Bakeries factory. I get that.

Does that mean that I need 4 metric tons of these absurd rolling menaces in my package? Really!? I spend about 2 minutes over my sink each morning wiping these excess muffin balls off the rear of my bread just to save the hassle of spreading the buggers on my counter, lap and floor. Is that also an old world tradition Thomas?! Sheesh. We all know that there isn't any old Mr. Thomas cooking these anymore. It's all done by the mechanical hands of some great stainless steel beast. Can't we spend a little extra between the laser guided spatula flipper and self sealing plastic bonding station for a little tiny muffin ball broom?!


So here we are, saddled with a dilemma, of taste over tactile annoyance. Do I really need a Thomas English Muffin? Or can I go with some ball free alternative. Like bagels. Because you know, I've never seen any bagel that didn't have it's balls all cleaned off before being added to my package...