Starbucks Post

For the most part Starbucks coffee is taking over the known universe. As for me I say, "bring it!" They serve a good cup of coffee that is consistently well made at a fair price. Additionally it is their plan to add a new shop on every street corner, in every town in the world. What's more-

"Whoa! Stop."

"What?"

"Where in the world are you going with this?"

"Why are you interrupting my post? I was typing here."

"So are you saying that they are building up a force to invade?!"

"What!?"

"You know, an army of loyal Starbucks baristas on every corner of the globe, ready at a moments notice to drop the espresso tamper and seize instead the reigns of world government!"

"I was just writing a post about Starbucks..."

"About how they've been slowly adding an ingredient to the coffee that with a single command from Seattle headquarters can trigger a latent gene in humans that will turn us all into a massive zombie hit force?"

"No, I was thinking of saying something more like, 'they're good and stuff.'"

"Well, then you're lucky I stopped by! Nobody wants to read that tripe!"

"Who are you anyway?"

"I'm your manly-action-ego. You know that surge in your belly every time you watch a great action movie, or when you imagine fighting random people on the street just because they looked at you funny?"

"Oh. I didn't think I had one of those..."

"Well I've been suppressed, but I survived!! And I've come out even stronger!!"

"Ah, yes, I think I'm beginning to understand. So you don't really like my post idea?"

"Like I was saying, it would be better with a heavy conspiracy sub-plot."

"Like what?"

"Let me show you..."

He walked into the Starbucks and threw back a slug of Joe. Wiping the coffee off his lip that mixed with the blood running from the cut above his right eye, he yanked out his pistol and pointed it at the the counter attendant. 'I know everything,' he said as he pulled back slowly on the trigger. The attendant smiled 'There are two things you don't know,' he said, 'One, is that this goes all the way to the top and there is nothing you can do to stop it.' 'What's number two?' he snarled. 'I just poisoned your black French roast coffee."

"No, no, no. That's all wrong."

"Who are you?! Come a step closer and I'll break your arm in three places!"

"Relax manly-ego. Let's just see who they are and what they want."

"Yes, down mango. Heel boy. I am your sensitive-side."

"Don't you dare call me mango you sissy!"

"Fine, how about mr. mango?"

"Look here, I know 27 different ways to snub you out with just my pinky fingers!"

"First my aggressive side and now my sensitive side! I'm going to have to be carted away to loony bin, just so I can be by myself for a while."

"So before the mr. mango here threatened my life, I was thinking that you could spice this post up with a fun romantic comedy bit."

"Dare I ask how?"

He walked into the Starbuck and ordered a decaf grande no whip soy mocha. When the order was called he reached for the cup, but realized that an attractive young woman, had taken it. 'Excuse me.' he giggled. 'I believe you've stolen my heart, and took my coffee to boot.' Come to find out, they both ordered the same drink, oddly enough. Additionally she was his childhood sweetheart, whom he thought lost to the winds of fate years ago. She of course doesn't recognize him, now that his acne had cleared up, but he saw that she was wearing a bracelet he made for her in the eighth grade. He later found out that she will be married to a wealthy cereal baron, whom she doesn't love, but who has a great smile and is on the cover of GQ this month.

"That's no good at all! It doesn't even make sense, it isn't logical or even slightly plausible. I mean statistically speaking what are the chances of that?!"

"Who are you?! Get out of here or I'll roundhouse kick you through that plate glass window over there! There's no room in this head for another nutjob, we're all stocked up here!"

"Be calm mr. mango. I'm sure he just wants to have his say, and we should let him."

"Thank you. I was just saying, as your analytical side-"

"That's it! Out! All of you! I'll write whatever I want to write. I want you all out of here!"

"If you really want that, then I'll go"

"I'm gone sucker!"

"It's doesn't make sense to linger, if I'm not wanted."

Ahem. Now where was I... Oh yes. Starbucks, they're good and stuff!

14 comments:

Jason said...

I think somebody had been to Starbucks one too many times today.

You should do some temporary writing for all the striking TV writers. . .I heard they made $200,000/year. Don't know if that's what they make individually or as a group though.

Missy said...

I heard the same thing regarding salary. Jason is right, love your writing, keep it up.

Also, try McDonalds, simple, cheap and delicious, not whipped cream though...

jenylu said...

You're a funny guy, but not quite as funny as that dog in the yoda costume! :-)

Windy City Survivors said...

That was very entertaining! You should keep up on your writing, it's great. :)

BBrito said...

maaaaaaaaaann!awesome writing! and your caffeine addicted side? does he have no saying in all this?!! ;)
b.

Ando said...

I thought caffeine was supposed to suppress dementia?

And I almost died laughing at "wealthy cereal baron."

SJ said...

This was great! Love reading your posts!

kludge said...

Jason-

I could get behind just about anything (save politics) at that price!

kludge said...

Missy-

Are you sure you're not some sort of crazed Scottish Coffee Pusher!

Alright already! I swear, I try it! :)

kludge said...

Jenylu-

Can't you just see Beamer trying to rip that to pieces!

kludge said...

WCS-

Thanks!

kludge said...

Bruna-

Thanks! All of my personalities are caffeinated! :)

kludge said...

Ando-

Me Brain No Worky Right.

Call 911!

kludge said...

SJ-

Thank ye!