So as I sat there in my living room, Isaw an ant on the wall. And I was impressed because I realized that it was walking upside down. It probably had no clue that it was doing this. To that ant my ceiling was the ground, and my ground was the ceiling. How awesome! How interesting it would be to have no perspective on gravity. As I sat marveling at the ant and it's usual freedom, another thought popped into my head.

"Why is there a filthy scavenger in my house!"

Ants. I despise these little beasties. They are the antithesis of all the capital values I hold dear. Stealing from others, living off good honest people and trying to pass that off as hard work. We are all impressed that you can carry a Volkswagen Beetle on your back but no one invited you to our picnic! Go away and stop stealing my food!

Why can't they go out and get a job like everyone else? Seems like they are enterprising enough! Why do they have the right to come into my house and eat all the maple syrup? What do I have to do, lock all of my pantry goods into an air proof vault to keep the nasty scavengers out?! They're like a bunch of raccoons at a camp-out. At least raccoons have the decency to come at night, and try to do it without your knowledge.

Not ants! No sir! They are just as proud as uncle Larry in his moose lodge cap and boxer shorts, out for the world to see, marching across your counter tops in broad daylight! Like they deserve to raid your grape jelly jars and light margarine tubs. (I hope all those trans fats do you in!)

So keep mowing down armies of ants with a paper towel and a bottle of 409 to try and cut down the advancing columns of insects carrying off your baby's breakfast. It does little good, as they are constantly replenishing their ranks! You're now chasing ants around the yard stomping on them and throwing poison sticks down every crack you can find! As if they would understand your chides and insults, and finally get the hint that they are an unwanted guest in your home.

Now all you can do is wait. Wait and see if they eat the poison, or decide to come back inside for some sausage and eggs. All the while you are wishing that maybe they will go next door for a while, or possibly find a nice berry bush they can raid. Anything, anything to leave your house alone.


Ando said...

I too share your disdain for these creatures. Not only do I battle them on the home front, but at the office as well. They just never stop coming.

kludge said...


We finally...(knocks on wood) got rid of the infestation on the home front.

Nothing like one billion Grants Ants Stakes littering the yard to show them who's boss!

SJ said...

I can't stand - and I mean can't stand ants. The worst was coming home from Jr. High camp - with my family flying in that afternoon - to find that the ants had taken possession of my kitchen! That put me over the edge (and I was pregnant too - don't ants know not to mess with the pregnant lady!). We finally called Terminex - referred to us by the Carrillos - and took control back of our house! I am tired of them enjoying my cereal and not me!

kludge said...


Here here!

Once again proving the theory "Better living through chemicals!"

Bring on the DDT!

Windy City Survivors said...

I'm with SJ, I HATE ants. Luckly we haven't had any problems with ants in our house since we moved from CA. We couldn't get rid of them when we lived in Santa Rosa. There must be a huge ant hill beneath the city! :)

Jason said...

I have a friend from China who earned his PhD studying ants.

If you boil them in water, you can make formic acid. I don't know what you would do with the formic acid, but perhaps you could pour it around the perimeter of your house like orcs on a stick to frighten the nasty creatures away.

SJ said...

I think Windy City is right - we must be living on a giant ant hill!

J Crew said...

There is no doubt that ants are annoying little pests

kludge said...


I wouldn't be the least surprised. I feel like some days their going to band together and start carrying people away in their sleep!

kludge said...


Well, good to know! I'll store that little tidbit of knowledge away for later...

...In case a party starts dragging.

"Speaking of formic acid..."

kludge said...

J Crew-

I agree, with you agreeing to my post. Agreed!