"Please lie down on the couch. Now tell me, in your own words, what’s on your mind?"

"Well its like this Doc, I mean, it all seemed like a really good idea at the time. I wonder how many people before me have had that same thought?"

"Regret is a very normal emotion. You’re not alone. I understand."

"Thanks Doc."

"Please continue."

"I mean, didn’t I do my part? Didn’t I hold up my end of the bargain? I said, ‘I’ll rid your town of an infestation of vermin.’ Nasty plague carrying, cheese eating, cat killing, dog fighting vermin. They were nesting in their hats and ruining their chats, and all other types of horrible things. Didn’t I play my pipe and lead them all to their death in the lake? Do you think that type of pipe playing is easy? Do you think I should give discounts? Do you think just anyone could have done that?"

"It’s okay, just let it out...”

"So how did this happen to me...the ‘Pied Piper!’ I mean I went back and asked for the payment. The payment we had all agreed to. It wasn't my fault. They're the ones who said they would only give me a tiny fraction of what we agreed to. Wouldn't you be mad?"

"We all want to be appreciated’

"Yeah... exactly! I wanted them to be like ‘WOW!!’ Thanks, here’s twice what we offered. That was amazing."

"I’m sure it was."

"It was!! I mean dang! I was impressed, and I see me do this stuff all day long!"

"...please, Mr. Piper, continue..."

"So anyway, I got mad. Yeah, who wouldn’t?"

"It's hard not to get our feelings hurt sometimes..."

"I figured, I’d get them all back, you know? So I grabbed my pipe, and then started playing this really wicked tune."

"What was it called?"


"Okay...relax... Don’t get angry."

"I'm sorry; it just really upset me...okay, so I march off with the kids and into my mountain. I mean it was sweet! I froze the adults and just swiped all the little brats off with me. Right under their proud little noses!"

"That seems a bit reactionary... Maybe you should have just talked it out or something..."


"I understand...okay. Please try to now what is it that is bothering you?"

"What’s bothering me? What's bothering me? I don't know...lemme think...oh yeah! I HAVE 130 KIDS IN MY HOME! It’s absolutely insane! What I’m I suppose to do with 130 screaming, crying, hungry, poking, fighting, brats in my mountain? I had to wait 2 hours to use my own bathroom yesterday. Unbelievable! Can you even imagine 130 children in your house all the time? I’m in a mountain! It’s not like I have a backyard or anything. I’m going crazy!"

"Why don’t you just play your pipe?"

"Like I hadn’t thought of that! Sheesh Doc, It’s not like I can just play my pipe twenty four seven. Even I have to rest. But when I'm not playing I can't even think! I just want to curl up someplace and cry."

"Of course...I understand. Tell me, what are you going to do?"

"I don’t know...I really don’t. I was thinking I could take them back, but then all their smug little faces pop into my head. I just couldn't bear the shame. You know like 'just kidding...I don't mind being robbed by...' Great horn toads! Look at the time! I can't believe how late it is. I'm going to owe a fortune in sitter fees...Do you have any idea what the going rate is for 130 kids?!
...(sigh) and my stupid pipe..."


SJ said...

This was great and I was commiserating with the 130 kids - I know it was only 20 Jr. High girls last weekend, but at a point or two with all of them giggling, laughing and "sleeping" in my living room it felt like 130.

kludge said...


Thanks for the comment.

I have to tell you I feel bad for the guy, I don't think he had idea what he was getting himself into.

SJ said...

You know that is probably true - and I must admit when I agreed to a Jr. High girls sleepover, I didn't know exactly what I was getting myself into either - ha ha!

I did enjoy reading this and completely agree with you!

kludge said...

I can't imagine having 20 junior highers in my house...i'm impressed

kludge said...

I think I lost a lot of you with this post...

...It's okay I'll be back to the suburbian articles on Monday. :)

SJ said...

I didn't mind being lost - I just had empathy for him and 130 kids - - -

Robin said...

Kludge, I can't believe you wrote this. It is amazingly funny! You have a real talent for comedy, but this goes beyond funny into professional writing sounding. Personally I think he did all the children in, but I could just be warpped.

kludge said...


Wow! Thanks for the rave review! I appreciate it. I really liked this post, and I'm glad to know you enjoyed it as well.