Sales Pitch

Okay take a deep breath. Okay we’re going to be successful tonight! I’m feeling confident! I’m a selling machine! I’m a selling machine! No one can stop the Kirby Locomotive!

[knock knock]

"Hello?" The woman of the house opens the door to me with a man looking uncomfortable in the background.

"Kirby Man!" I smile as big as I can. Some of my cookie falls out my mouth, "This is the first thing I’ve eaten all day!" As crumbs cascade down my shirt.

"Okay..." She responds

"So I’m here tonight..."

"At 7:30 in the evening,"

"…to help you out." I smile. I gotta win back some points. Okay, breathe. Okay, get in the groove. Nothing can stop my pitch. I’m an uninterruptible selling machine! "We’ll clean your carpet tonight for free. As long as somewhere down the line you might tell a friend about us. We’ve been in business for a long time. We are tops in this business. This is just sort of our way of giving back to the community, you know."

"No thank you. We're having company coming," She says, beginning to swing the door closed.

"How about I just clean that spot where your boyfriend is standing. It'll be dry before you know it." Saved!

"Husband..." Door is once again in motion.

"I never assume! Never assume! Not after all these years." Come on, put on the big smile! Darn you cookie crumbs! "Do you own a vacuum?"

"Yes," She smiles…Why is she smiling…"We’ve got an Oreck"

"Oh!" Little lady thinks she’s got me! Thinks she’s got one up on the Kirby Locomotive! "That man should be behind bars! What a scam!" Got her attention, now for the follow through "Have you seen the engine on those things? Go back and rip it apart and see for yourself. About the size of your two fingers! There’s a reason they’re so light!" Got the man laughing… now I'll BRING HOME THE BACON!

"So" I’m back at cruising speed "How ‘bout we just clean that one spot! If you’ve got company coming over you’ll want that clean" I casually stuff the last of the cookie in my face and look concerned.

"No thanks" Hardball retorts

"Your husband wants it!" Saved!

"No he doesn’t." She smirks, "I’m sure he wants it less than me." A smile and nod from the human clam…

"Have you ever shampooed your carpets?" Saved!

"Why yes, actually I have," door in motion yet again.

"Well!" What now? "Didn’t do a very good job then did you?" Saved!

Door slams shut as I hear the woman remark "A little helpful advice, if you want to sell someone something, don’t insult them."

The cool September breezes nipped at my face, as I beat down the pavement to the next house. That’s not bad advice, I should try and remember that.

As the door shut all I could do was laugh.

"Patricia" I got out between tears, "that was the craziest thing I ever saw! I would have lended a hand but you were doing fine."

"Annoying little man! Could you believe him?"

6 comments:

Ando said...

You're too cruel....good job.

jenylu said...

Poor guy--maybe he'll learn to lay off the cookies & the insults & make some big sales. Just don't send him to my house!!!

Anomie-Atlanta said...

Wow, I can't believe you opened the door...your wife has a much kinder heart than I.

kludge said...

She was very even keel till the insult at the end! I was a little suprised when his face disappeared behind the slamming door. :)

Roberta said...

Hilarious! I can just hear Tricia saying that. I would like to have been there!

I agree with anomie-atlanta, I don't even open the door!

kludge said...

Roberta;
It is something I will not soon forget. Your cousin was in rare form.

As for the door, alas the screen was open as we were enjoying the breeze, and we had no warning till he was upon us!