Letters to the Void

Dear Starbucks Coffee Company;

I just wanted to mention how much my wife and I enjoy your coffee beverages. My wife and I have been long time patrons of your shops. We are more than happy to contribute our small part to the hulking tower of coffee commerce, that is Starbucks Coffee. The last time we decided to partake of the repast at your local drive thru store, I was surprised to say the least.

I just wanted to say thank you for allowing my wife and I the twenty minutes to sit in the drive thru line, and discuss things. Things like how our heads were pounding from the lack of caffeine, how we were nearly out of gasoline and that the car might idle itself dead. We also got to clear the air on some other ‘issues’ we had been discussing earlier. Additionally it gave my two young daughters, time to scream their lovely heads off about needing bottles, wet diapers, or whatever notions popped into their darling little heads.

Once we reached the order screen, I carefully recited my order to your employee, who seemed rather lonely. In fact she was lonely enough that she decided that she needed to chat about my order, and asked me to repeat it several times. I enjoyed this immensely and felt the practice did me well. I feel that I am now more qualified for repetitive assembly line work, or other mundane and mindless work, like working in food service for instance.

Once we reached the front I was overjoyed to learn of your new quality assurance methods. I was asked to sample my beverage “just to see if it tasted okay” while three employees watched. It is good to know that everyone was concerned for me. I burned my tongue, and then assured them that I wouldn’t be able to tell what it tasted like now, and thanked them for their ingenious solution to the problem.

My wife ordered an iced caramel macchiato, but your helpful employees, were thoughtful enough to serve her a hot drink instead, seeing at it was only seventy-five degrees or so outside. I’m afraid my wife was set on an iced drink, and had to request they changed it back. Still not satisfied with all the help they had already given us, they decided to give her an iced vanilla latte, just to expand her obviously limited pallet. We didn’t notice the change until we were on the road.

Please keep up the good work. I feel good to know that my ten dollars and thirty-seven cents went to into the coffers of such a caring, concerned, and considerate company.


Peter P. Brown
Santa Rosa Ca.


Ando said...

Hilarious. I pity you poor coffee fiends.

kludge said...

Thanks. It was unreal. I can't recall any service experience that was as bad as that one.

I was wondering, do you think I should mail the letter?

Call Me June... said...

Get Andy or Josh to tell you the Winnemucca story... believe it or not, it was worse than that! At least in the midwest, drive-thru window attendants speak English!

kludge said...


I can stand no more lies! English in the drive thru!!!

And are the streets paved in gold!? Come on!

Ando said...


You should definitely mail the letter. I once sent a firery email to Columbia House that I found to be both vitrolic and clever and it was quite satisfying...and effective. I was very proud of myself.

J Crew said...

Winnemucca. I remember it well. It was an experience just like that, only inside

SJ said...

Mail it ;):):) This was great - sorry for the hard time, but your story was fun to read.

Don't you love the drive-thru which is to get you thru faster, when in reality it would have been quicker to go inside - drives me nuts!

kludge said...

J Crew-

You cannot continue to taunt me with this 'amazing' story that no one will tell me.

Spit it or Zip it!

...not that I'm bitter

kludge said...


Patricia asked me a dozen times if she wanted me to park and have her go in. I was determined to drive thru! That also added to the humor of it all.

kimmers said...

YES, you should mail it! I once sent a letter to the company that makes Hot Tamales telling them how much I love their product and they send me back a box of each of their Jolly Joes products. My roommate then sent in a similar letter and got the same prize box in the mail. Another friend decided she wanted a box for herself and they sent her a letter telling her to share with Wendy. :) (we all had the same college address) You never know what you will get, but I am sure you will get something.

SJ said...

Of course that added to the humor - Jeremy and I have that same discussion everytime we go - should you just park and I will run in??????? Not near as much fun though - - - -

I am with Kimmers - send the letter - you could get some GREAT stuff from this!

jenylu said...

I concur -- send the letter, you'll probably end up with a few complimentary drinks at the very least. Plus, it was so well-written!

I'm glad your little ones were along to make the event even more special!! Scott & I always thought someone ought to invent a "Parent" feature for cars that enables a sound-proof screen to separate front & back seats! :)

Anomie-Atlanta said...

Dying! The secret is to make friends with the manager and ALWAYS go inside, the drive-thru is where they place the dimmer employees.

Ando said...

For future referenc my little sister works at the Starbucks on Mission. No drive-thru, but maybe she'll give you a discount.