Monday, August 21, 2006

Breath Easy

They can be aggravating, annoying and generally disruptive. They can take focus away from your attire, good nature or new hair cut. If you have them the odds are good it’s the only thing folks will notice about you till you get rid of them. We refer to these menaces with odd endearment as 'the hiccups.'

I’ve decided that hiccups are the body’s way to blow off steam. No one is one hundred percent sure why humans hiccup. I think I know. The human body hiccups when starved for entertainment. If you are ever bored, find someone suffering from hiccups. I'm telling you, watching a room full of people trying to solve one fellows hiccups is more fun than a barrel of monkeys.

I have seen some odd solutions to hiccups in just the few short years I’ve been on earth. Everyone has a solution to the hiccups. Most think theirs is the only effective way. I know people who swear by their ridiculous solution and will not listen to another soul no matter how sane they might be. My personal method is highly effective for me and also supremely boring. I can stop my hiccups normally before three come up the track. I will not share it because this would provide little fun at parties.

Lets go back to that poor soul who had the misfortune to hiccup in public. Now everyone is swarmed around them and assaulting them with the most unusual homeopathic remedies you ever heard of.

“John you have to drink a glass of water,” fake doctor 1 yells “Not like that silly. Upside-down!”

“Don’t listen to them John,” fake doctor 2 bellows “Just do some jumping jacks and you’ll be fine.”

  • Drink an entire glass of water without breathing

  • Drink a capful of vinegar

  • Induce a cough or sneeze

  • Scream whenever you feel a hiccup coming on

  • Drink a shot of lime juice with Tabasco sauce added

  • Be scared (everyone loves to try and scare the afflicted person)

  • Touch your uvula gently with the handle of a spoon (I wouldn’t if I were you)

  • Hold your breath as long as you can

  • Smell the fumes from a lighted candle

  • Take five fast, deep breaths; after the last one exhale

  • Breathe slowly into your shirt

  • Count to twenty with your fingers in your ears

  • Say "pineapple."


The last one makes me laugh. How did that ever come up as a possible solution?

"No! not kiwi I said 'say pineapple!' What's wrong with you anyway?"

Who can guess. I suppose there is more than enough room for everyones hiccup cures. If none of these seem like you, there’s always the more ‘scientific approach.’

Got any good hiccup entertainment?

15 comments:

J Crew said...

I like the hiccups. They are amusing and generally happen when I don't want them to. I just let it take its course and all is good.

kludge said...

Ah the philosophers way.

That's very understanding of you J Crew

Ando said...

Yikes, I can envision about 43 things that can go wrong by sticking a spoon handles down my throat while having the hiccups.

Personally, I try to predict when the next hiccup will occur and in doing so manage to make them stop. Kind of like when trying to fall asleep you lie awake all night and vice versa.

kludge said...

I'm with you Ando, that one is just a BAD idea!

Sort of using Murphy Law in your favor? That's cool!

Joshua P. Allem said...

I've always thought that the hiccups were something you just had to endure until they were over. I was never been able to stop them at will, so I stoped trying. They seem to go away though, just about the same time you forget you've got them.

kludge said...

Here's something like that.

Think about blinking. I'm not sure if everyone one is as manic as me, but this drives me crazy.

I find myself thinking about how many times I blink in a day, and when I finally forget about it so I think "I forgot!" and start the whole process over again.

Ando said...

I can pretty much guarantee that not everyone is as manis as you.

kludge said...

That would have more of a sting if spell correctly... Thanks for that... I feel better! :)

SJ said...

Now I was told by someone to drink a cup of water upside down - but the twist was they told me to put a paper towel over the glass and drink the water upside down through the paper towel - strange!

Justin said...

The key to stopping hiccups is to make yourself enjoy them and hope they'll last as long as they can. Act like you want the hiccups and they'll go away.

Anomie-Atlanta said...

I tell people to put a plastic bag over their head and it will make the hiccups go away. :)

kludge said...

Anomie-

LOL!

That's not a bad idea, for some people I know.

Megan C. said...

I have a hiccup solution that works MOST of the time (for teachers). As the teacher, I invite the hiccuping student to the front of the room. They are then required to hold BOTH of my hands while the entire class stares at them and I command them to "Hiccup!" on demand. This usually makes them concentrate so hard they can't hiccup anymore. Occasionally, I have a kid who can overcome and gives me a hiccup...although not on command. If you're not a teacher, good luck. :)

BTW, I read about a guy who had hiccups for like 15 or 20 years and they couldn't cure him. Sucks to be him!!!

Megan C. said...

Okay, so I looked it up on Guiness..."Longest Attack of Hiccups
Charles Osborne (1894–1991) of Anthon, Iowa, USA, started hiccupping in 1922 while attempting to weigh a hog before slaughtering it. He was unable to find a cure, and continued hiccupping until February 1990, a total of 68 year!" A bit more than the 15-20 years that I thought!

kludge said...

Megan-

That's unreal. What a miserable life. I have a thought about him though... I bet he lived alone.