I was at a friend’s house this weekend, sipping on a foamy root beer and chewing the fat. I was unaware that not more than 3 rooms away was an object that would keep me awake all night thinking of conquest, pride and redemption. The object was a Goodyear tire.

Matt Smith, pictured right. Matt, who is usually all smiles, invited a number of us over to his place for a BBQ. It was a get together to say hey to a couple of guys that were back visiting from St Paul MN. I enjoyed seeing both Tom and Jory, and all my old co-workers, but this post isn't about them. I knew I couldn't stay long and was thinking about heading home after about and hour and a half, when I noticed Matt was missing. I then heard Matt's wife say he's in the garage with showing off his tire. Hum... Okay, I'll bite. So I get directions to the spot, and then I see it. The Goodyear.

This tire was a huge black rubber Goodyear tire, pieces missing from a couple of spots along the side. This tire was 750lbs. This tire screamed "you want a piece of me?" This tire was a dominating force in a two car garage. This tire was all man. Four people, including Matt, were all stating at it. So I asked "what's with the tire?" I said this with reverence, because a tire that big, doesn't sit in a nice garage for no reason. "I flip it" said Matt. Hummm, seems odd.

Turns out Matt is now competing in regional Strong Man Contests . He placed 7th in his first competition and is gearing up for his second.

"So has anyone flipped it yet?" I ask.

"Karsten McMinn did."

"No Way."

Karsten is a geek, albeit a geek in good shape, but not a Matt. Being a geek has expunged alot of my manly urges, but the sheer drive of competition is still quite strong. I swat down next the tire; get a good grip on the rubber, and L-I-F-T. The tire moves a half an inch and I drop it. The tire then stuck out its rubber tongue and belittled my, manhood, lineage, and overall appearance. I was humiliated, embarrassed and my legs hurt.

"Peter," smirks Matt "You can't dead lift it" (Thanks Matt, I got that much) "You have to push it up."

Okay so here's the deal. You push against this mammoth with your chest; your legs cocked back at an angle and up goes the tire. Once you have it near 45 degrees, you put your knee under it and give it the final heave. By now were all taking turns, and no one is having any more luck than I did. Matt does his demonstration half a dozen times, to inspire us and bring out our "Call of the Wild" like urges.

I go in for a second attempt. This time trying Matt's method. I'm much more successful. I get it to about 34 degrees or so, and then...

Keep in mind this is a BIG TIRE. I'm in a coat, and insecure. I'm suppressing my desire to yell, or grunt, which is my normal channeling source.

... I try to move my knee up, and the tire slips. It falls down with a solid “I told you so" thud. Inertia sends me forward. I fall into the tire. My head and hands inside the beast, my legs are flailing outside of it. I feel like a gigantic shrimp tempura roll. I take a deep whiff of defeating rubber, and then hoist myself upright. I've lost to the Goodyear.

As I was driving home to my wife and daughters, I was thinking about the tire. As I slept I dreamed about the tire. Anyone know where I can get a 750lb tire I can show up?


J Crew said...

I would venture that half a dozen school playgrounds still have some mammoth tires for you to lift.

kludge said...

Good idea! I could then endure chastisment, not only from adults, but from 9 year olds as well.

"hey mister, want me to call my mommy to help you?"

Ando said...

Feeling a little sore?

ping said...

Could you see the tire from where you were at? Then just flip it tire flipper. Can I come down and flip it? Go tire flipper, go!


Wendell Jr. said...

Is this true?

if so, wow.......

kludge said...

This story is completely true. I don't generally tell fables about my incompentence.

Karstne said...

rofl. and its Mr. SuperGeek.

kludge said...


I'm glad you found me. I'm still thinking about that stupid tire, even days later. I saw one on the back of a tow truck on fulton rd. and almost followed him.