Double Corkscrew with a Twist

Summertime is closing in fast. To me that means a few things are on the horizon. First, I have to come up with new excuses this year not to wear shorts, and secondly, it’s roller-coaster season. That’s right it’s time for gut wrenching, cookie tossing, stomach knotting joy. This is the time when you separate the boasters from the bawlers.

I have a rule; I’ll ride any roller-coaster that can not be assembled overnight. If it’s put together with more bobby pins and hope than welds, or run by a man with less teeth than toes I’ll watch from the ground. Otherwise I’m on it! I love a good coaster,I believe my father instilled this love in me. There are few things as memorable as riding Colossus at Six Flags Magic Mountain backwards! I plan to pass this along to my daughters.

When my first born arrived, we found out she would have to undergo major heart surgery at six months. After a grueling three weeks at UCSF, she was released. We then had a follow up meeting with her cardiologist, who explained that they closed up two holes in her heart, formed a new value, and sealed up a duct that should have closed after birth. When he asked if we had any questions, I paused, then,
“Uh, Doc,” I asked
“Will she be able to ride a roller-coaster?”
It seemed very important at the time. Anyway he said yes. Ever since she has been in training. You can’t enter into these things lightly. Alexis gets tossed, hurled, spun, and generally shook up, and she loves it! If this works as well as I hope I’ll have to write a manual on the proper upbringing for coaster-crazed kids. Needless to say she doesn't meet the hight requirement yet, but when she does...

With the right company, and techniques even a boring coaster can be fun, though I would recommend going for the ones where people look the most ill on the departing ramp. These are the quality coasters.

Here are some tips for maximum coaster enjoyment

  • Seating-
    Sit in the front row for the view,
    or the back for the speed.
    All other seats are a waste.

  • Act Scared-
    Pretend like your scared after they click you in.
    If your good you can milk this one all the way up the first ramp.
    I’m not sure why this is so entertaining but most people on roller-coasters are either sadistic or masochistic. Go figure!

  • Scream –
    Like your four years old and lost your mommy,
    Like you found dog poop in you bed.
    Like you might Die!
    This is one of the few times this is socially acceptable behavior, it’s fun, and essential for the overall coaster experience

  • Hands Up –
    Once you’ve hit free fall never, ever, under any circumstances, hold on to the handrail! Your hands should be straight up, or pumping in the “Bring It On” fashion.

  • Don’t buy the picture from the free fall. –
    Or you’ll never willingly let yourself look like that again.

  • Stay away from Hot Dogs or Nachos, or anything you don't think will go well with your outfit.

  • Have fun!

    Ando said...

    Two things...

    One, you're way off on the "can't-be-built-overnight-or-I-won't-ride" thing. Those coasters are the best. They are way more thrilling because you actually think that you may indeed die, or at the very least be horribly mamed. Very exhilerating.

    Two, yes screaming and yelling is ok, but for us guys, they've got to be "Man Screams." This technique is hard to demonstrate through text, but it's a very gutteral yell tha emanates from deep in the bowels. None of this namby-bamby girly screaming.

    kludge said...

    Enjoy your zipper or revolution, but when it disconnects , spins out of control and they have to bring in the jaws of life, we shall see if you employ your man scream. I betting you'll have a baby cry breakdown.

    ping said...

    I liked your line about the carny who has less teeth than toes setting up the roller coaster. But Andy is wrong, you can "Man Scream" through text. At full speed the "Man Scream" sounds like "Oh baby, now that's what I'm talkin' about... bring it on little mister coaster show me what you think you got!". However, it's quite amazing, but if you digitally slow a "Man Scream" way, way down you actually hear this.... "Oh please, please don't let die like this and I promise never ever to make rude noises in public or torment small living creatures... if I can only survive this ride without seeing any of my blood outside my body or sobbing uncontrollably in front of my family and friends when I exit this ride".

    Ando said...

    Speaking of roller coasters...while riding one such coaster, my grandfather once had a McDonald's cheeseburger appear out of thin-air while going over a bump, and land directly in his lap. Only my grandfather could this happen to. He waited at the bottom of the steps after the ride and held it up for someone to claim, just like they do with lost baseball caps. Some lady claimed it, saying she had it in her purse and it flew out. That's a true story.

    Anonymous said...

    I don't know where you got it but it certainly wasn't the maternal girlie screams are coming right now just reading about that a baby cry breakdown?

    J Crew said...

    This is an inspiring post. I need to overcome this fear in my life. Thanks for the tips. I'm tired of standing with all the ladies while my wife and the men enjoy themselves on these coasters. Maybe you could help me face my fears? no charge hopefully