Benadryl & Coffee

I’ve decided that if I had the ability to change one thing in history, I would make Luther Burbank a banker. Allergy season is in full swing. I can no long sustain life on my own. I’m at symbiosis with a small pink pill, and a lovely brown liquid. This means that if I do not take the pink pill daily, I will die a horrible death, caused by sneezing my head off my shoulders. If I do take the pink pill, and not the brown liquid, I will sleep. This will cause me to miss my life, and work. This will result in no money, and no means to buy the pink pills, and eventually aforementioned embarrassing death. For the most part I can live with this solution.

Luther Burbank was a horticulturist. He is credited for the introduction of over 800 plants including hundreds of ornamental flowers. His plant species are all over Santa Rosa. I believe he was a sadist. I have no evidence except for the fact that thousands of people in Sonoma County suffer daily because of this man.

When I moved up here from Los Angeles area, it seemed so serene. No smog to speak of and little traffic. I could breathe. Then came spring. I went to the allergist, who proceeded to scratch my arms about 60 times. Each scratch left a different pollen or grass sample under my skin. About 40 of the scratched areas became bumps. This means I’m allergic to roughly 2/3’s of Santa Rosas plant life. Well, there certainly had to be a solution to this problem, right? I remember my grandmother once told me, grow up and become an allergist, or a podiatrist. “Peter,” she smiled “Your patients never have emergencies, and they never get better.” She was right on the money.

So every year I spend in abject misery, in a hermetically sealed room, hiding from the daisies and crape myrtles.

What can be done? Benadryl has been my only answer. Benadryl is sweet nectar from heaven. I love Benadryl commercials, always showing happy people outside playing, or driving in a convertible. What they don’t tell you, is after you take a Benadryl, your really only ready for one thing; Sleeping. You never knew you could fall asleep slumped over your lawnmower, or halfway between bites at your local Denny’s. Often referred to as the nurse’s sleeping pill, Benadryl means your unfit to walk, talk, eat, and most of all drive. My eyes are no longer closed shut, due to red, swollen discomfort, but instead weighted closed by the eyelid lead that is Benadryl.

What can be done? Coffee is the answer. Drink 17 cups of coffee a day to counteract the effects of one Benadryl. You can now walk, talk, eat, and drive. Not that anyone would want to walk, talk, eat or drive anywhere with you. Your awake, but at what cost? You’re a nervous wreck and you can’t concentrate on any subject for longer than 30 seconds. Additionally you will need to be within 7 seconds of a restroom for the next 5 months.

Sonoma County – Paradise, especially if you’re an allergist, pharmacist, or barista.


Jeremy said...

Holy Cow! I didn't realize that coffee is the natural antidote to the sleepiness that the little pink pill brings on. Darn you Luther Burbank, bless you kludge.

J Crew said...

I feel your pain. he is definitley not my favorite Luther

kludge said...

If Luther Burbank didn't have an unmarked grave, I'd dig him up and give him a piece of my mind!


Anonymous said...

OMG I love that season.
I once almost fell asleep on the handlebars of a motorcycle because of those lovely pink pills. Oh, I started having to drink coffee too, but then the effectiveness wore off, and I was back to sneezing. I ended up having to take almost SIX a day after that, which meant two 6-cup thermoses full of coffee and starbucks after. I love that feeling. The only way I can drink that much is when I'm on Dryls, and can't justify taking them without a need. I need when that season comes. I just moved though, and it might be somewhere where allergies don't affect me...<@(:*()pulatisy

Anonymous said...

I love benadryl so much. It is one of the few allergy pills that works completely, and it feels fantastic. However the drowsiness is the reason why I only take it when I get hives or worse. I am allergic to so many things that I could legit take it every day but that would equal zombie everyday. So it's a luxury for me, an I accidentally consumed honey, lets take a nap luxury.

Irvin said...