Baby Gates & Socialism

As I navigate my living room, it is hard to remember that just a few months ago, I wasn’t required to run a steeplechase in order to go to the restroom. Additionally I could open a drawer without unraveling the mysteries of some overcomplicated plastic puzzle. Then of course there are the one thousand ordinary household items, that have become maiming objects of terror.

Having a baby changes your life. If your not aware of that take a moment and let it sink in. Things you used to take for granted, like leaving the house, will now take 4 hours longer. It’s not just, grab your coat, keys, shoes and go. Now it’s a bit more complicated.

• Locate the child (the younger the child, the easier)


• Start to pack their bag


• Stop them from eating the wet wipes from the package


• Pack, food, change of clothing (warm clothing, and cooler clothing), toys, pacifier, blanket, wet wipes, changing mat, diapers, forget something… (this part is easy)


• Stop them from removing all equipment from packed diaper bag


• Put on your shoes


• Distract child who keeps uniting your shoe laces. Make faces, tie laces


• Grab child


• Forget coat, and diaper bag


• Lock door, close door


• Strap child in their car seat


• Realize your keys are locked in the house, with coat and diaper bag


• Weep openly till neighbors call police

So we now have Alexis fenced off like the ravenous animal that she is. Our job is to construct the fences in such a way that she cannot escape. In addition we place pitfalls, like her toys and pacifiers inside the fence to appease her. Her job is simple; go to the edge of her world and bust down the wall. She's like a little revolutionary, and we’re a bunch of fence building socialist. If it were not for the fact that I like to try and beat her at this game I probably would feel bad for her. I've added safety latches to the drawers she used to open, and plastic plug inserts to the electrical sockets. She continues to amaze me though. There is always a reason to freak out. Tonight she somehow got a stray tissue and, in protest to her captivity, tried to eat it. Do we ban tissues like good socialists leaders? Or have the state papers write articles telling her all tissues are evil, and should be avoided. Propaganda campaigns are more difficult when your child can't read.

My boss was telling me last week about a consultant that would come into your house and for 2-3 hours walk around on his hands and knees. He did this to outline all the potential hazards in your home. I can only imagine being more paranoid than I am. I have a picture in my head of me taking the belt sander to all my cherry furniture, and rounding all the edges, putting foam bumpers on all wall corners, or spraying down the house with disinfectant every hour. No thanks; I'm crazy enough as it is. I'll live with the steeplechase, for now, but when they start walking, I'm buying them each a body bubble.