Too Stupid to Microwave Popcorn

I find myself writing more about my failures here than my successes. They tend to be more amusing and I enjoy writing about them. Anyway here a few such episodes since yesterday.

Last Night

19:00

I endeavored to fix a zipper. We have these sleeping mats we sometimes unfold in the living room for lounging. One of them had a broken zipper. A small portion of the foam was visible. It really didn’t affect anything, it just annoyed me.

I worked the zipper for about 5 minutes and finally in a burst of inspiration was able to free it, right off the tines. Sigh… another 20 minutes of muttering and maneuvering are in vein. I come up with the brilliant idea to remove a couple of the tines with a pair of needle nose pliers and work the zipper back in.

The tines are all a single piece of polymer woven through the fabric like thread. I didn’t know that till I grabbed one and yanked. I removed 17 tines, and had no trouble adding the zipper back in. Now a huge section of foam is visible. I haven’t learned my lesson though. I Can't help thinking that a bit of duct tape would be an affective covering.

21:00

I decided to have a bag of microwave popcorn because I had just removed all the popcorn husks that had lodged themselves in my teeth from my last bag three days before. I hate microwave popcorn directions.

Cooking time: Varies from 1 to 5 minutes, depending on your microwave. DO NOT LEAVE MICROWAVE UNATTENDED WHEN COOKING.

Stop the microwave when popping begins to slow down to 2 to 3 pops per second (Popping may take as little as 1 minute or as long as 5 minutes because microwave ovens do vary).

Does anyone do this! I hate the idea I need a stopwatch handy to pop corn. Isn’t this supposed to be easy? Isn’t that why I have a microwave? What are they thinking? I want to zap fry popcorn, I’m lazy! I don't want to spend the 5 minutes listening to it! Why did they put that “Popcorn” button there if they don’t want us to use it! So I just put it in, and punched "popcorn"

It burned.

This Morning

08:00

I was typing this up in my office. I have an auto light switch in my office. It turns itself off after so much inactivity. Luckily it gives you a "beep" about 5 seconds before the world goes dark. I'm a network analyst. I sit at a desk and type... all day. This involves little motion. I'm practically dead as far as my light is concerned. If it could it would call an ambulance. I occasionally turn and grab a reference book. Needless to say I hear a lot of "beeps." So here I am a professional in a respectable job, jumping around for 5 seconds flailing my arms like an angry monkey trying to keep the light on. Everything went dark.


09:00

Post