Too Stupid to Microwave Popcorn

I find myself writing more about my failures here than my successes. They tend to be more amusing and I enjoy writing about them. Anyway here a few such episodes since yesterday.

Last Night


I endeavored to fix a zipper. We have these sleeping mats we sometimes unfold in the living room for lounging. One of them had a broken zipper. A small portion of the foam was visible. It really didn’t affect anything, it just annoyed me.

I worked the zipper for about 5 minutes and finally in a burst of inspiration was able to free it, right off the tines. Sigh… another 20 minutes of muttering and maneuvering are in vein. I come up with the brilliant idea to remove a couple of the tines with a pair of needle nose pliers and work the zipper back in.

The tines are all a single piece of polymer woven through the fabric like thread. I didn’t know that till I grabbed one and yanked. I removed 17 tines, and had no trouble adding the zipper back in. Now a huge section of foam is visible. I haven’t learned my lesson though. I Can't help thinking that a bit of duct tape would be an affective covering.


I decided to have a bag of microwave popcorn because I had just removed all the popcorn husks that had lodged themselves in my teeth from my last bag three days before. I hate microwave popcorn directions.

Cooking time: Varies from 1 to 5 minutes, depending on your microwave. DO NOT LEAVE MICROWAVE UNATTENDED WHEN COOKING.

Stop the microwave when popping begins to slow down to 2 to 3 pops per second (Popping may take as little as 1 minute or as long as 5 minutes because microwave ovens do vary).

Does anyone do this! I hate the idea I need a stopwatch handy to pop corn. Isn’t this supposed to be easy? Isn’t that why I have a microwave? What are they thinking? I want to zap fry popcorn, I’m lazy! I don't want to spend the 5 minutes listening to it! Why did they put that “Popcorn” button there if they don’t want us to use it! So I just put it in, and punched "popcorn"

It burned.

This Morning


I was typing this up in my office. I have an auto light switch in my office. It turns itself off after so much inactivity. Luckily it gives you a "beep" about 5 seconds before the world goes dark. I'm a network analyst. I sit at a desk and type... all day. This involves little motion. I'm practically dead as far as my light is concerned. If it could it would call an ambulance. I occasionally turn and grab a reference book. Needless to say I hear a lot of "beeps." So here I am a professional in a respectable job, jumping around for 5 seconds flailing my arms like an angry monkey trying to keep the light on. Everything went dark.




Ando said...

I always do popcorn for 3 minutes, regardless of age, make, model of microwave and instructions.

kludge said...

I'll have to try that. There's just something so wonderful, about it being stored, cooked, and eaten all in the same bag. for the lazy man it can't be beat. doubly so that it can be tossed instead of cleaned.

Heavy G said...

It sounds like you and I have a lot in common. Bet our wives could swap atories for hours.

kludge said...

I'm always finding new ways to make my life harder. I'm a master at it.