Yet Another Power Grab

Have you ever felt the lust for power, the need for control, or the desire to influence? Do you understand the ability to change your world with the single push of a button? Have you ever known the cool confidence of authority weighing in your palm? If so, you can relate to its loss. Tonight the remote control went missing.

There are two types of people in this world, those who are allowed to touch the remote control and those who are not. In my house the remote control is an over complicated piece of equipment. It is that way for a reason. It’s purpose is to discourage the faint of heart, people who are frightened of more than half a dozen buttons in their hand. These people understand on, off, volume and channel. They have no business with the remote control. The remote control is not a simple clicker; it has the ability to alter the media experience to the minutest detail. Subtitles, pause, zoom, angle, mute, sleep, picture in picture, and all with moving hardly a muscle.

My remote control can weild its force over the functions of seven pieces of electronic equipment. It is roughly the size of my forearm, has close to four hundred buttons, is a stlyish silver and has a backlight. This means I can watch TV, play movies, listen to music, operate the blender, close the blinds and orchestrate the comings and goings of small nations, even with the lights off. This is real power. This sort of power should never be lost.

Unlike losing other precious things, such as your offspring, remote controls cannot call for help. They sit and wait under the couch, with the laundry, in the freezer or on top of the toaster oven as you lumber through the house in dismay. Calling to the remote will do you little good. You must remember were you left the power.

You turn the house upside down but to no avail. You know that you can watch your movie without the remote, but the idea sends you into cold sweats. You can walk to the store, but then why do you own a car. You can light a fire to cook, but then what is the oven for? I would rather spend forty-five minutes of utter chaos, tearing the house apart looking for the remote, then a combined total of two minutes over the lenght of the movie to make adjustments to the TV or DVD player by hand. If you don't understand this, you never will. Power corupts, and absolute power is even cooler.

Once the remote is found, life can return to normal. You seem to smile, as your hands are wrapped tightly around your battery-powered security blanket. You can now relax. Once again fate has smiled on you and all is right in the world. It’s nothing abnormal, it’s happening in millions of living rooms across the nation. It’s just yet another power grab.

16 comments:

dinane said...

I would like to rashly conclude that anyone who must look at their remote control to see where the buttons are should not be allowed to posess a remote control at all. It's all tactile for me. Of course, that doesn't mean I'd happily give up my remote's backlight capability. It's just too cool.

I can totally turn on the backlight without looking too.

SJ said...

Our remote is not quite of that "power" - but it does have many capabilities and many buttons. After a few lessons with my dear husband, I am allowed to control the remote (at times - ha ha). I have on a time or two probably messed up the recording of something else, but that seems to have been taken care of with a few simple lessons. However, I must add that we too would search endlessly for the remote rather than have to change things without it.

kludge said...

Dinane-

That is an excellent point! I agree, and you should feel that comfort with all the remotes in you home. Transitioning between living room to bedroom should be effortless, even if they are different!

kludge said...

Sj-

I have made Patricia so nervous, she never wants to use the remote. In the beginning of our marriage she wanted to be "in charge." These were not good times, and now she won't willing "take power" when I'm home.

Heavy G said...

When the batteries to our smoke detectors failed I simply turned off the breaker so the annoying beeping would end. When the remote batteries die I immedietly rush to the store to replace them. I don't think I want to know what this says about me.

kludge said...

Heavy-

It says your just like the rest of us! I completely understand. You'll probably smell the smoke anyway...

Ando said...

Love this line, "Power corupts, and absolute power is even cooler."

kludge said...

Ando-

I though you might appreciate that one. The more I think about it, it's so true.

Call Me June... said...

I can verify that my husband speaks the truth. I think we've lost Christian for longer periods of time than the remote! While I am somewhat attached to the remote, I have no problem if it's misplaced! That's what I had kids for!

kludge said...

June-

Thats a great idea, kid remotes! It's like you always have a backup.

Voice operated, hands free, wireless remote and no batteries required.

J Crew said...

They should have a separate stand that you can press for the remote to go off so you know where it is when you lose it, You know like when you lose your phone. That would make millions I tell you, Millions

kludge said...

J Crew-

I'd buy one! You might want to look into that...

...millions of power hungry nuts are counting on you!

J Crew said...

I'll do it!!

Emberli said...

O.K. totally lost the "power" about a month ago. I don't need to repeat the seriousness of that situation. My sister found it in the couch cusion where I know we looked a million times. I went to radio shack to get some kind of gadget that could stick on the remote to page it thinking it would cost about $5.00. No sir $29.99. What?!?! It was a keychain style thing. I don't know why in 2006 I'd have to pay $29.99 for that. I do need one for my keys also. Ever since then I have wanted to market little sticky beeper thingys.

Emberli said...

Did I forget to mention that We're worse than heavy G by taking the batteries out of the fire alarm to use in the remote.

kludge said...

Emberli-

That's cool! how do you call for it? whistle clap, or cry. The last is what I feel like doing when I lose it anyway.

I would pay 30 bucks tonot go through another power hunt...

...and yes robbing the fire alarm is definitly worse...for shame!:)