Turf Wars

“Look what you’re saying; it just doesn’t make any sense.”

“Doesn’t make any sense Bermuda? How can I make you understand? I tell you we are under attack! Something is trying to kill us! All of us! How can you not see that? ”

“You’re a re-seed, a new blade, you haven’t been around long enough. I’m old growth and have been in the lawn a while now, at least two seasons, and I can assure you this lawn is perfectly safe. You’re just over-reacting. ”

“Who wouldn’t over-react with that smoke-belching, blade murdering monster on the loose?”

“I told you that it is called a lawnmower. ”

“You mean death mower! You said it was perfectly normal. You said not to worry and that all re-seeds are scared the first time they see one. You said that it sounded loud, but it wasn’t a big deal. ”

“Yes. That’s what I said. ”

“What you neglected to mention, is that it was going to rip the tops off of everyone by three inches! You just left that little gruesome tidbit out. ‘Perfectly normal whirling machine, that will pulverize your top and grind it to bits. No big deal. Nothing to worry about re-seed.’”

“Are we all okay? Did it hurt you or are you just a little shaken up? ”

“I’m fine, but what about Fescue? What about Bowles? They got ripped up by the root and sucked into the whirling blades of death! I’m sure it didn’t mean it; probably just it’s way of saying how’d you do. ‘Just trying to be friendly. Sorry I wrenched you from your home and chewed you up in my array of spiraling metal devastation. Guess I just got excited.’ There’s a reason I’m a re-seed Bermuda. Someone had to die! ”

“Well, yes that’s true, we do lose some blades but I don’t think that means that anyone is trying to kill us. ”

“What about the suffocaters? ”

“Will you stop being so dramatic? They’re called leaves. ”

“Call them what you will they are not just random occurrences like you claim. I’m telling you good blades are dying under those sky weapons! Blocking out the warmth, trapping in the moisture. It’s not like we can just move! I mean we can’t just get out from under it!”

“Believe me, I would love to move right now. ”

“Oh right! Here we go again! I tell you, I’m not crazy! We are slowly being picked off and rubbed out one patch at a time. Even Crab agrees with me! ”

“Crab is always looking for something to complain about. Last week it was the sun, this week the rain…”

“Fine. He’s not the only one. Oh I know… try and explain away that stuff that gets sprayed once a month. ”

“Fertilizer. I told you it’s called Fertilizer. ”

“Right! It tastes great, and it makes us green right? ”

“Exactly. ”

“Well St Augustine said that huge numbers of blades just turned brown and blew away with the breeze the last time we got ‘treated’ to this…this fatalizer! So much for you and your naive benevolence! I’m telling you –”

“- I know… ‘We’re under attack!’ Please stop saying that. Let’s just think about it. It’s true; if there is too much fertilizer sprayed on us it can burn. It does happen, but it’s a very small portion of the lawn. ”

“A VERY SMALL PORTION OF THE LAWN!! I heard tell there’s a hole in the lawn that stretches from the birch tree to the concrete border! That’s like an entire sea of death!”

“How do you know? ”

“How do we know anything? Pampas told Bluegrass, told Zoysia-”

“-Never mind. Okay it’s true there are some hazards but all in all we are very well provided for. I mean I’ve been here for two season and some blades have been around twice as long! How do you explain that? ”

“I heard tell that the lawn used to stretch all the way to the garage. Is that true? ”

“Yes, I heard that too…”

“Now it’s all rocked in. You think that’s just coincidence? I’m telling you in a few more seasons we won’t exist at all. The fellas on the border say that to the west there is only bark. They say it used to be nothing but blades as far as you could see! Rumor has it some mechanical beast just tilled them all into the ground! Can you imagine! Buried alive! If that isn’t disturbing I don’t know what is. ”

“When you put it like that…but trying to kill us off… I don’t know. I mean what about the water? It’s comes down everyday and it keeps us strong.”

“I have one word for you, Dandelions. Weeds thrive in the water. It seems that more and more are popping up all over the lawn. I don’t have to tell you how many good blades those giants have strangled out! ”

“Okay, maybe you’re right. Maybe something is trying to kill us off. If it’s true then, what do we do? ”

“What do we do? We fight back! We survive! ”

“But how? ”

“Listen, I’ve got a few ideas…”


Windy City Survivors said...

:) That was good...are you sure that what you do for a living is what you love??? You should write on the side, you're really good! :)

I loved the suffocating leaves...that is what our lawn is going through right now. I rake at least once a week but we have 6 huge 50+ year old trees that seem to have a never ending amount of leaves on them!

J Crew said...

I recommend the rock garden if you will or if you won't

kludge said...


Thank you. I do enjoy pumping out this strange fiction. Which is why I guess I have a blog.

As for the leaves, yes our tree just dumped a nice thick coat on our lawn. Like you said it's unreal!

kludge said...

J Crew-

Down with da rocker! We bark sucker! And you rockers better stay off our turf if you know what's good for you! (Makes elborate bark finger sign)