The New Highway

In an effort to further turn my brain in to a goo like mass, I spent some time this weekend in pursuit of digital prowess. I wasted the weekend on video games. Yesterday I spent the afternoon a mere three feet away from a five-foot large projected image of an intense car racing game. It was unbelievably real. I was swaying with the turns, pitching with the collisions and generally getting way to wrapped up in the experience. I came very close to taking a couple of Dramamine.

Afterwards I found myself on the highway.

I felt like I wasn’t the only one out there driving like a maniac. I seemed to be in very good company. I can only imagine this has something to do with the recent racing craze. I have devised a number of new rules for the highway that would better mesh with my modern driving habits.

First things first, we need to ‘fix’ the speed limit. Currently the speed limit is nowhere near fast enough for the hazardous conditions needed for speed driving. Additionally I’m frequently late to work. I say we up the speed limit to a hundred and five. If we later find this limit to be too restrictive, we can up it but there is no sense in being ridiculous. For those stubborn people who will persist at driving sixty-five miles per hour or less, they can act as moving markers in the new highway slalom course.

Remove the lines. They’re fine for babies and bicycles, but we really have no need for them. With the lines gone you can now feel free to navigate the road as you please, without all the hassles of gore points, merging and the ever annoying double yellow. Blinkers should also be a thing of the past. Like we want the other drivers to know where it is we're going. Where is the fun of that?

Police. Enforcement of the rules is essential. The police will still play a role on the new highway, but with less ‘busy work’. All cop cruisers will be equipped with a front loader for shoveling derelict vehicles off the road, and freeing up space for other, more qualified drivers.

Add a few checkpoints, a finish line and a purse. Sure some of us might very well zip by our turnoffs everyday to complete our leg of the race but grinding the wheels of commerce to a screeching halt is a small price to pay for return of some joy on the highway.

I not sure if any of these new highway ‘improvements’ will ever appear on a ballot selection but I have to say, if they did, driving would never be the same.