Protective Planting

Do you suffer uninvited guests? Tired of solicitors who loiter at your doorstep? Do you have distant relatives who are looking to become less distant and more relative? Then this handy little guide is for you. Within it’s pages we will show you tips and tricks for the politely private. Planting arrangements that add that extra bit of protection without being overtly rude.

Some people will never get the hint. This is a rule of life. No matter how many times you increase the size of the no solicitor sign, they will continue to knock on your door. What can be done?

We suggest something simple for starters, like the overcrowd technique. Line your front walkway with flax plants. Flax grows to be one of the largest bushes there is. Planting several small bushes along your path is a simple way to produce a sizeable defense. This method will take time but soon no one will be able to find your sidewalk, let alone your front door.

If your not interested in the subtle and lengthy methodology of flax, you could go for a more direct approach. Nothing says, “Go away!” like a garden full of cactus plants. There are very few friendly parts of a cactus. Additionally succulents can be placed with a sort of gauntlet pattern. Most folks are not willing to brave a maze of prickly pears, or copper king when they can just go to the next house. Cacti have the added benefit of saying something of the owner. Something like I enjoy dangerous things, such as painful plants, tea without sugar and wrestling salespeople, please come in.

Some people are persistent to a fault and will find a way to believe that all these outer defenses were not intended for them. Clearly this veritable flowering fortress could not be attempts to stop their visit. For these individuals you need something with a bit more gusto. Might I suggest the bee bush?

The bee bush is a tactic used for years by the fast food industry to speed up orders. Placed right by the intercom. Most people will find a quickly ordered number five and a Coke always taste better than a dozen bees in your sport utility vehicle.

A good start would be a nice row of bottlebrush right across the front walkway. You don’t have to worry, this is a foolproof plan. These bushes will be positively awash with all forms of stinger wielding fiends in practically no time. Very few persons would ever feel comfortable crossing this defense into your abode. You can even be so bold as to send out party invitations, just to keep up the polite façade. There is something about a buzzing wall of bees that just screams, “Honey, I’d really rather juggle a set of kitchen knives than see the Fishers tonight.”

These are just a handful of useful ideas for those looking to decorate their residence in a host of fauna resistance. So relax, put on some sweats and kick up your feet, your dwelling is secured and your relatives will soon become distant once more.

13 comments:

SJ said...

When I first saw this post, I saw that plant (which one is that, the flax?) and was intrigued - Jeremy and I have one that we can't stand - have no clue what to do with it. At least now I know it is good for something. Thanks!

kludge said...

Sj-
I'm glad I could be of help. People love planting flax in small places, I guess they just don't know how big they get!

Ando said...

I didn't realize you were such the botanist.

Windy City Survivors said...

Wow-I got a lesson in plants this morning. We had the worst bushes in front of our house. You couldn't even touch them because they would poke you. I cut them down this spring!!! Now how to take the roots out...hmm...After this blog though I was thinking maybe I should have kept them up, but then on second thought I remembered that they were in a planter box so it wouldn't keep anyone away! :)

Emberli said...

I don't know if you could stop the mormons though. That's why they come in twos, one to be the sacrifice to distract the bees or to lay down over the cactus so the other one has a clear path to run to the doorbell.

This may show up twice woops!

J Crew said...

What is with the we. Do you have split personalities? :)

SJ said...

You are right - they have no idea how big they get and personally I don't think they are that attractive - - but that is my own opinion - probably because I have two of them not looking so good in my yard.

Aunt Missy said...

As it turns out, I am that homeowner, we have 3 cactus in our front yard, one right at the corner of the yard and driveway. Helps keep the menacing rugrats off the rock. It is not grass. We also have those spectacularly large bushes. one called Texas Sage, pretty little bush that will take you over in the night! Somehow the relatives still come, but not the young ones....hhmmmhh

kludge said...

Ando - As I say, expect the unexpected

kludge said...

WCS-

We just ripped ours out too. Currently we are defenseless...

...now we just turn off the lights and try and keep the girls quiet!

kludge said...

Emberli-

Your right, some people are relentless... I would suggest a pit bull on a long leash!

kludge said...

Missy-

An exellent example of good garden defensive planning! We have several cactus, but they are only keeping the neighbors cats at bay right now...

...Arizona is quite a road trip. Someday we will have to make it down. :)

kludge said...

J Crew- ...uhmmm.... yes, it's how we get so much done.