Furniture City

Going out of business! Everything must go!

We are not going to make it anymore. We will have to close our doors. We have a dozen lurking salespeople but no people to make sales for. We spend more time dusting our furniture than selling it. The creditors are calling and it’s not for friendly chatting. Furniture City is calling it quits.

I can’t understand it. It’s not like we are selling our household furnishings for way more than they are worth. No, I will not accept that! It’s not that we are overpriced, it’s that our stuff is worth more than our competitors. Sure it looks cheap but it's not. That cardboard back is there to ease the toil involved in moving, and particleboard is becoming very popular. At least that is what our suppliers say. Who would want solid wood panels when veneers looks just as good, and they come in heavy black lacquer!

We have tried every tactic we can think of. Free puppy day seemed to dissuade customers more than bring them in. We had beanbag day. Spend a thousand or more on a bedroom set and receive a free plastic beanbag chair in one of seven vibrant colors. This did not go as well as we had hoped. We even had a huge 5% off blowout sale and still couldn’t even approach the deals of our highest priced competitor.

We try and do our best. When a customer comes in we smother them with service. It’s even in the employee manual. Page five subsection three paragraph six, “The customer cannot be trusted to make decisions on their own. Once they pass under the ‘This door to remain unlocked during business hours’ sign, they are to be ‘Smothered with Service.’ All employees will do their best to piggy back the customer, make suggestions, ask inane questions and generally pester the walking credit card until they get fed up and leave.” Even with all of this extra special attention sales are suffering.

We have no choice but to close up shop. Don’t worry about it though we’ll survive. We’ve gone bankrupt eight times before. Of course we weren’t Furniture City then. First it was Furniture Village, then Furniture Furniture Furniture, always with the same sales people and same merchandise. We have a liquidation sale, but even then sales are not stellar. People must not have seen the twelve dozen 15% off all stock signs on the front lawn.

Our investors will never get wise. We’ll re-open and be right where we’ve always been, peddling our sub quality merchandise the only way we know how. At slighty higher prices then other stores but with service you can depend on. Come in and see us, you might not recognized the new name on the door, but it will always be us. Different dust cover but still the same boring content at the newly remodeled Furniture Bazaar. The name says it all.


SJ said...

This so reminds me of a place in Missouri - - - Missouri Furniture - this description sounds like them :)

Windy City Survivors said...

Classic-we haven't bought much furniture from a furniture store for this reason, their prices are really over inflated. We favor buying slightly used off of craigslist.

Emberli said...

It's all about IKEA! You get to eat meatballs and Lingon berry soda, inexpensive yet stylish, If the quality is cheap for some pieces who cares, it was $29.00 buy another one in two years after the kids have destroyd it with a Sharpie pen and the lamp they banged on it and chipped it with. And no annoying sales people, just people in blue and yellow t-shirts that are there when you need them at little desks all over the place. Oh yeah, two words, catalog pre-shop. You can have your whole shopping done before you even enter the store. And lets not forget the "as is" section. If your a deal finder like me you love the "as is" section!

Emberli said...

One more thing, why does everything at those furniture stores either look like your on a jungle Safari, (you swear you just heard a monkey when you passed by the plastic bannana plant), or look like it's all left over from 1987.

kludge said...

SJ- This must be universal then. There is this place in Rohnert Park, next to the movies, that has 'gone out of business' no less than 5 times i can recall.

kludge said...


Patricia and I got the major pushy sales guy the last time we went looking for a dresser. He was expounding on qualitiy and I was opening all the drawers and point at the staples. craigslist is the way to go.

kludge said...


I have to admit I've never been in a IKEA, but a good portion of my furniture was assembles with cam bolts and an allen wrench. As you say, it's much more liberating to replace than agonize.

There is a place in town that sells safari print shoe chairs. Nothing says living room class like a high heel chair in lepoard print.

Emberli said...

Hey I have that chair, just kidding. That one in Rohnert park was the inspiration for my safari theme stuff/1987. That's what everything in there is. If you do go to IKEA, go early on a weekday to avoid the weekend crowd, it can be a little overwhelming for a novice IKEAer like yourself. You maybe even want to take an experienced IKEA shopper along.

Windy City Survivors said...

IKEA is a great store. I go there for organization items. Hey, if you are going to have to put your furniture together, the price better reflect that and IKEA does! :) We actually got lucky. There was an IKEA about 30 miles away and now they put one in even closer! :) I agree with Emberli though that you might want to take an experienced IKEA person with you, it is very overwhelming and you can get lost (I still sometimes get turned around)-they send you in circles!

kludge said...

Emberli & WSC-

I'm not ready to drive to Emmeryville for the IKEA experience yet... but maybe someday.

Have you seen this?

Job Interview At IKEA

J Crew said...

I remember our first set of couches were at Valley Furniture in RP. They were outside the front door covered in celaphane just waiting for us. It was awesome

kludge said...

J Crew-

yes... fond memories, those had a good pattern for hinding buffalo wing, and blue cheese spills...ah good times.

J Crew said...

Yes, we need to do that again real soon. I've got a fever and the only cure is more buffalo wings.

jenylu said...

Hey Emberli,
I need an experienced IKEA shopper with me -- when do we go? I've only been once and it felt like the Disneyland of furniture shopping. :)

Kludge --
Those sales people must LOVE you as you point out the staples!