Email Fascist

I'm an email fascist. In fact its one of my primary duties. I process SPAM. My office receives about 4000 emails a day. Of those messages 70% are blocked as SPAM by our servers. My job is to go through and find all the ones that slip through the cracks. I process about 1000 messages a week.

I just got paid to spend the last TWO HOURS sifting through other peoples SPAM. I find that *Your Rolex at Rolodex Prices!*Sorry.. it sort of permeates into my being. Anyway I was saying... I find that *Get the recognition you deserve! Fire your BOSS!* So for the next hour or so I'll have these SPAM messages floating around in my head. I'm already a very easily influenced person. I mean, I own a Ginsu Knife. I have the amazing Ice Shaver! I was very close to calling Carton Sheets and making Millions. I don't need 100+ emails a day trying to convince me I can make money on E-Bay.

"I believe you," I say "but my boss told me to get rid of you... I'm sorry, you'll have to go."

It's a good thing we don't have cable anymore, or I would be calling into every late night infomercial and purchasing Tony Little products. Or an amazing knife set I'll never use. I want to have cookware that I can burn an egg on, just so I can peel it out and throw it away. SPAM is like the stupid cousin of infomercials. At least with infomercials you get a full 30 minutes of programming *Hoodia will change your life!* *Get your fr33 HoT PINK RAZOR PHONE!!* I've never met anyone who has ever admitted to purchasing anything from a SPAM email. I suppose If you ever did solicite a spammer you wouldn't want tell the rest of the world.

"I'm the reason someone in Nigeria wants to be your friend!"

8 comments:

Brendan said...

Howard once admitted to purchasing something from a piece of spam... I wanted to slap him for it. You never *encourage* them!

kludge said...

I could see Howard doing that!

You probably made the right move with your restraint but that would have made for some good stories.

J Crew said...

How do you feel about Spam Burgers?

kludge said...

Never tried one. There is a new Hawaiian resturant in town, I bet I could get some SPAM sushi!

possum said...

Cool blog. I like your sense of humor...........

kludge said...

Possum,

Thanks for stopping in my corner of the web. Always more to come.

Emberli said...

Never buy anything off of an infomercial, it always comes to stores in a month or two for half the price and no s&h. I know they always say it won't be available in stores but that's a lie! Here's a few examples: spinning food storage container holder, Kaboom cleaner, static cling broom things, super steam spray cleaner things, oxy clean, ice shavers, the list can go on and on. I always almost get suckered into those things, but I wait patiently(don't know how to spell) and those things or at least a good knock off always makes it to the store for less money. And usually I decide I don't even need it when I actually see it in person.

kludge said...

Agreed! Order now so you can see our poor contruction!