TED Is A State Of Being

As I was standing outside a van pulled up. A blue van. A blue van with a rather large smooth viewing surface. It was at this point that I realized that I was being reflected back with a rather distorted image. Normally when this happens it is a major bash to both my confidence and my perceived understanding of what I must look like to others. You know what I mean. You see the rather smallish version of yourself staring back at you with a sort of wrinkled brow and pursed lips as if to say, “I don’t like the look of you either scrawny!”

For reasons I cannot begin to explain, this didn’t happen this time. For some reason I saw the thick dwarfed version of myself and thought, “Wow…I look cool!” I found the vision rather roguish looking. I mean sure I wouldn’t be able to reach the kitchen counter anymore or fit into my shoes, but at least I could touch the ground without bending over!

I figure, what I experienced furthered me down the path of Total Esteem Detachment or TED. TED is a state of being. Not caring what others think of you, because you can feel good as a 6’1” network analyst or a 3’5” bluish dwarven image. Those who are totally TEDified could be seen anywhere wearing anything and not feel self conscience.

For instance someone who had reached inner TED-ZEN, could go to the mall in a toga and not for one moment feel out of place. They place that feeling, instead, squarely in everyone else’s lap. Mostly those select few who choose to, or are required to, interact with them. As they exit they leave a wake of gapers and uncontrollable gigglers. The TEDler dismisses them completely. In addition they get an enormous amount of discounts due to distracted sales clerks. Shopping in a toga is a bargain lovers dream come true!

I would guess that a lot of celebrities are completely TEDed. How else could some of those rather unglamorous roles be filed?

“John? It’s Phil your agent!”

“Hey Phil, what do you have?”

“Well I just landed you the perfect role. The producer called and said that they needed an ugly, balding, overweight guy that is berated by the rest of the cast and I was like ‘I’ve got just what you need!’”


I’m not sure I’d be so hot to clue in all my friends if I got this gig. The other ones that blow my mind are the billboard people. In my home town there is a billboard with a close-up picture of an overweight person grasping their sagging belly while thousands of drivers pass under it, on our only major thoroughfare.

“SO, Laura, I heard you got a modeling job! I can’t wait to see it!”
“You probably already have!”

While we might not all take TED this far, there certainly are lessons to be learned. Because just like Laura you too can achieve greater esteem detachment through deep meditation and heavy medication. Relax and just try to be happy with what you see. Remember TED is a state of being!


Jason said...

I went to Subway once dressed in a toga after an Easter play. Unfortunately, I was not teddified. The nice (when I walked in) cashier girl might have been teddified, but alas, she cursed me and my sandals and kept muttering to herself.

kludge said...


Believe me I totaly understand. I imagane this isn't sometime you've tried since.

I once had to go into a 7-Eleven with painted toenails for a video scavenger hunt.

I still wake up with the cold sweats sometimes.

Ando said...

Lol! Roguish, indeed.

Just imagine what hi-def TV will do for all the TEDers of the world.

Aunt Missy said...

Imagine if we all could be truly TEdified, what a wonderful world. I wouldn't even ask why you went on your scavenger hunt with painted toenails, even though I am dying to ask because I can't seem to see the need for a scavenger hunt with painted toenails, unless it was someones sick rule, which I find completely funny and awesome and reasonable from you my favorite smag.

kludge said...


I think I've been playing too much NeverWinter Nights2.

Agreed, there is a new clarity that comes with being about to see all the warts on passing chipmunks.

kludge said...

A. Missy-

It would be a scary place... something like downtown Beverly Hills I imagine.

It was a video scavenger hunt for my junior high youth group. One of the objectives was for a boy to go into a retail shop with is toes painted.I was the only boy on my team. [sigh]

...Very strange memories.

Aunt Missy said...

It does sound like your little world!!

MichelleR said...

Hey everyone, just 2 let u know...I have a new blog!
I am not using my old one anymore,so check out my new one.

kludge said...

MichelleR -

I came very close to removing this as I thought it was a bogus comment!

Sorry bout that, I'll come and check out your new pad.

J Crew said...

I wonder if I will truly ever reach Tedness

kludge said...

J Crew-

The question is "How would I feel in a toga?"

I think you'd do well to sort that bit out first. I think you'd look good...

...hopefully that doesn't make you feel awkward. :)