The Rub

“Hey. How are things?”

“Not so great.”

“What’s wrong? Are you feeling okay?”

“Don't pretend that you don’t know.”

“Why should I know anything about it?”

“You're the cause of all this!”

“How is your feeling bad my fault?”

“Because you tried to kill me!”

“WHAT!?”

“Don’t act like you haven’t got any idea what I’m talking about! Look, I know that you know that I now know! You know?”

“No.”

“Give it a rest! You can’t hide it from me! You've been trying to do me in for the past three days!”

“Honestly I haven’t got a clue what you’re talking about. You seem like some crazed lunatic.

“Of course I’m crazed! You’re trying to murder me! Assassinate! Bump off! Kill, slay, execute…”

“This is ridiculous. I mean haven’t we been having fun these last few days? We’ve been going out to great restaurants, enjoying exciting cuisine!”

“…slaughter, massacre, rub out, snuff…”

“Stop. Honestly. We’ve been having a good time as far as I can tell. I don’t recall anytime in the last three days even saying anything mean to you, let alone try and kill you! ”

“That’s because you don’t want me to know what you’re up to.”

“I don’t?”

“No! But I figured it out! I understand how your brain works! You’d rather I didn’t catch on! You’d like me to do the work for you! You want me to kill myself off while you seem to be nothing more than my jocular counterpart, encouraging me from the sidelines and pressuring me to further indulgence. ”

“That’s what I wanted?”

“Of course! Because you knew, if I knew what you knew, I wouldn’t let it happen! I would resist your urging and influences. I would understand that you weren’t just out to have a good time but that there was a devious duplicity deep below your decent demeanor!”

“I knew that?”

“Yes! Obviously I can’t believe it took me this long to figure it out. I mean a few more days of this behavior and your plan might have come to fruition! And then where would I be?”

“I’m not positive that I follow you…”

“I’d be DEAD! That’s where!”

“Right. But you figured out my plan in time?”

“Clearly, as we are now having this rather revealing exchange! Luckily for me, I saw right through your Machiavellian like manner.”

“Mac-a-who?”

“Crafty, cunning, deceitful, furtive, underhanded, tricky! Your sly little arrangement for my death.”

“Oh… So I almost out crafted you then? I tried to maneuver you into killing yourself though my wicked use of innate slyness?”

“I’m suddenly beginning to doubt that hypothesis…”

“Look, will you please just tell me what’s going on? I can honestly swear that I’m not trying to kill you.”

“Then why do I feel like this? I thought we were suppose to be having a good time?”

“Haven’t we been?”

“I feel like death warmed over.”

~~~

“Honey, you don’t look so hot.”

“I feel like death warmed over. My stomach is so upset.”

“Yea, I bet! It probably thinks your trying to kill it with the way you’ve been eating lately.”

“[ughn] oooww…”

“Yea. I’d lay off the spicy foods for a few days.”