20 Things I Learned In Traffic

  • Make opportunities where you find them, including the small space between two Mac trucks.

  • Every car should be required by law to have bumper stickers to read. Traffic is way too dull without them.

  • Yellow lights are irrelevant.

  • Red lights are too sometimes.

  • Coffee always tastes more bitter in traffic.

  • Theory of Relativity - Whenever you are running late or your gas tank is nearing empty you're relatively sure to hit heavy traffic.

  • Sometimes, it just feels good to tailgate.

  • The amount of time you will be stuck in traffic is directly proportional to how bad you need to get somewhere.

  • Yelling at motorcycles flying past your car is acceptable when in heavy traffic. Opening your doors on them is not. Unless you can do it without getting caught.

  • A good getaway is hard moving at 12 MPH.

  • Singing in your car is much more likely to attract an audience while in traffic. Not all of them cheerful.

  • No one likes to see a happy driver while stuck in traffic. Turn off your music and look miserable like the rest of us.

  • Anyone being courteous in traffic is a new arrival. Take advantage of their kindness for they will soon be jaded like everyone else.

  • Everything outside is more interesting than the traffic; this includes the poor chump changing his tire, or just counting yellow stripes.

  • Getting mad, yelling, weeping or banging your head on the steering wheel is okay in heavy traffic. It gives everyone else something to look at.

  • Your car is always more uncomfortable in traffic.

  • Get to know your traffic neighbors. That way you can try and keep them from passing you.

  • As long as the Earth is still spinning, the other lane will always be moving faster.

  • You will never be in the ‘other’ lane.

  • Everyone is out to get you.


  • Feel free to add your own traffic revelations.

    16 comments:

    Aunt Missy said...

    Those are all classic! Do you notice that you sing loudly and with your mouth wide open until you get to the traffic light? I am way too self conscious, mostly because I don't want people to realize I am singing show tunes....

    Can't see the girls website anymore, do I have to have a blogspot to see them now?

    Ando said...

    Signalling is optional, especially at high speeds.

    Windy City Survivors said...

    1) Always consider the car you are driving vs. the car in the lane you want to get into. Most likely the BMW will let you in...they have a lot more to lose then you!

    2) In the city, never give a cabbie an inch, they will take this as weakness and cut you off. They may still do this, but show them that you are courageous!

    J Crew said...

    avoid driving behind any vehicle that is hauling debris as some of that debris is more than likely to fall on your vehicle

    SJ said...

    I am the one yelling at the motorcycles most of the time - it drives me nuts that they can do that!

    Brendan said...

    "Yelling at motorcycles flying past your car is acceptable when in heavy traffic. Opening your doors on them is not. Unless you can do it without getting caught."

    Peter.... don't make me come slap you :-)

    The only people who have a problem with this are the people who never ride. And frankly, it's out of jealousy that they aren't able to do the same thing in their SUVs!

    This isn't to say that there aren't some motorcyclists who are jerks, but being more efficient then other vehicles is a bad reason to think so.

    kludge said...

    Brendan-

    I was hoping a biker would comment!

    I figure if you want to put your life in the hands of SUV drivers on cell phones, you should get some advantages...

    ...just know we all hate you! ;) And yes it is ALL about jealousy!

    kludge said...

    Missy-

    Yes, most definitely, I don't mind singing at road speeds, but never when idle!

    I added an expanation.

    kludge said...

    Ando-

    I hate that!

    I'd say that warrents at LEAST a mile of glaring and tailgating!

    kludge said...

    WCS-

    1. Good point! I love it when the fancy cars get rude about letting you in.

    Sorry bout the Paint!

    kludge said...

    J Crew-

    Agreed, especialy Basset Hounds or Teenagers!

    kludge said...

    SJ-

    I agree, but shhh, don't tell Brendan I told you that!

    Aunt Missy said...

    I read the explanation and totally agree. I guess hard copies are in your future!!

    Tara said...

    It's funny, you'd think you lived in L.A. Santa Rosa traffic is NOTHING compared to here, and we have six lanes!

    Did you know some small town like Modesto gets significantly more money for their transportaion budget than L.A. It's ridiculous. Sorry, traffic brings that up for me.

    I always find that the best lane to be in is behind a BMW or other fast car, they tend to want to go fast and are good at weaving through the traffic.

    kludge said...

    Tara-

    I have put some miles on the LA freeway system, and of course I would have to agree with you.

    I think my low point was when we actually got out of the car because the backup was so bad on the 405.

    jayare20k said...

    never miss an opportunity to cut off, impede or otherwise mess with a city bus. they are like giant whales whose population has grown exponentially. because we're not allowed to thin the herd, the least we can do as normal drivers is infuriate them.