Bridge Street

"I said take Washburn Ave."

"I don't want to take Washburn, I want to take Bridge."

"Steve, you can't get to Madison from Bridge."

"Molly, I've been going Bridge to Madison for ten years, will you please stop trying to tell me how to drive."

"You should have taken Washburn."

"How is it you can't find your way to the grocery store unless you're a passenger in my car!?"

"You're just like your father. Steve, before I married you - LOOK OUT!"

-WHAM-

"Steve, what happened?!"

"We hit something. I think it was a dog. Get out Molly, lets see if it's hurt."

"Oh. Its not moving. Steve...is it dead?"

"Should we poke it with a stick?"

"Don't you think it's gone through enough! What is wrong with you! Get down there and see if it's still breathing!"

"Fine. ...He’s not breathing."

“Does that mean he’s dead?”

“I not a doctor Molly! I sell children's raincoats for a living! I don’t have a clue. Look, he’s not breathing and he’s not moving I think it’s safe to say he’s dead.”

"You should have taken Washburn."

"[sigh] Should we try and find it's owners?"

"Look at him Steve. He's clearly a stray, no collar, straggly, worn and tired. You should have taken Washburn!"

"Stop saying that! You don't think they have strays on Washburn! Look it was an accident okay! I'm sorry, I wasn't aiming for him Molly! I already feel horrible, you aren’t helping anything! Help me move him to the side."

"Steve,"

"Yes?"

"We have to eat him."

"WHAT?!"

"We have to eat him Steve. We have to eat this dog."

"Molly, what in the world are talking about. Look just get in the car, I'll be there in a second."

"I'm serious. Look at this dog Steve. It looks horrible, like it was never loved. Liked no one cared for him, and before he got a chance to ever find happiness we come and hit him. We stole all his chances. We don’t even know his name! We need to eat him.”

“I feel bad about hitting this dog but I don’t see how eating him is going to make up for it Molly.”

“It will be a way to show him how we appreciate him. That we cared, that he meant something to us.”

“Like the worst memory of my life, followed by the worst meal?”

“I’m serious Steve.”

“So I am I! You are obviously traumatized by this and I understand. Please just try and relax Molly. I’ll deal with this. ”

“No Steve, I’m perfectly rational, and serious. I just couldn’t stand knowing that you and your stupid driving sucked the life out of this animal and the we just threw him to the shoulder and went on with our lives. He deserves to be loved and right now the only way we can do that is to eat him. Steve we have to do this!”

“This is ridiculous. People don’t eat dogs Molly! What if he’s diseased? What is someone finds out?! How would you explain this to your mother? Molly what if he tastes horrible.”

“I doesn't matter it’s our duty Steve.”

“Molly-”

“-Steve if you don’t do this I’ll never forgive you.”

“Fine. Molly. Fine. I’ll load him up into the trunk and we’ll take him home and eat him. I feel like some crazed redneck out on a hunting expedition. I just need a plaid shirt, five less teeth and a hat with those ear flaps!”

“Thank you Steve, we’re doing the right thing!”

~~~

"Molly"

"Yes?"

“This is the worst Christmas dinner I’ve ever had.”

“You should have taken Washburn!”

15 comments:

Boston Love said...

Do dogs tastes like chicken also?

kludge said...

Boston Love-

I'm happy to say, "I haven't got a clue!"

Boston Love said...

Erik and I have wondered a few times, especially when Sue does something bad....could we BBQ her? How much meat would we actually get off a 15 lb dog? It's probably not worth the efforts....

You better hope PETA doesn't get ahold of this post.

Aunt Missy said...

Okay not expecting the story to go there!! You and your imagination..you crack me up! Does your wife know you write stories like this?

I am sure it tastes just like chicken.....

kludge said...

I heard on the radio that someone started a roadkill restaurant. You bring in your roadkill and they cook it. The idea just got me thinking...

...She's just happy there is now evidence of what she's been dealing with for the last 8 years.

J Crew said...

First, I am very scared of you. Second, Does this story take place in India?

kludge said...

J Crew-

Ha! As you should be!

No I think Steve and Molly are probably from Seattle, hence the raincoat job.

J Crew said...

I bet you that Lab in a nice cream sauce could be quite tasty with some potatoes au gratin on the side

pawprints said...

J-crew-
Labs are cute!! YOU are gross!!!!

Kludge-
I found this post disturbing!

J Crew said...

Pawprints-

I love Labs. I have one. I'm just having a little fun dog gone it... Get it!!

kludge said...

Pawprints-

Sorry, I suppose you're correct, it is disturbing. They both already regret it, believe me!

Molly just felt bad about the dog and didn't know how to fix it. Clearly it not a very rational thing to do.

jennylu said...

Okay, I'm with my daughter, that story was disturbing! But I sure got a huge laugh out of the comments--I had no idea she'd chimed in. :)

Steve should have taken Washburn...

Jason said...

I've always said dogs should be wokked

SJ said...

Passengers make great drivers - just ask my husband! Ha ha! A little on the disturbing side, but did make me laugh - - - your creativity once again - amazing!

kludge said...

I thought this was very funny when I first wrote it, but I have to agree with everyone. It is a little grim. Maybe I'll do a re-write with a couple of very cool suggestions I got on it... or maybe not...