Insta-Pet

“What are you doing Ben?! Put those down!!”

“What? Why do you care if I have some of your rock candy?”

“That's not rock candy Ben! Those are Insta-Pet crystals.”

“Insta-Pet? Justin, what in the world are you talking about?”

“Have you been living in a cave or something?”

“I think that was uncalled for…”

“ You know, ‘Get some Insta-Pet and grow your new best friend’.”

“Okay, I recognize the tag line. I honestly thought it was a gag.”

“It’s no gag Ben! It's the real deal! I mean first there was the pet rock, it didn’t do anything but it looked pretty. You could use it to weigh down your papers, or hold open the door. Then you had the Chia Pet."

"Right! Chi-Chi-Chi, Chia."

"Uh...Yeah. Anyway, Now we have Insta-Pet! Drop these crystals in water and in a few hours you can grow a pet.”

“Is it alive?”

“A fully breathing, living pet!”

“That’s astounding. And it’s all grown from these crystals? I’ve never heard of anything like it. How does it work?”

“What do I care? I'm not a geneticists! All I know is I pay one hundred bucks and get to grow a pet. How cool is that!?”

“What type of pet?”

“That’s part of the novelty. You won’t know till it’s done.”

“What are the possibilities?”

“Anywhere from a hamster to pigmy goat.”

“A goat? You’re telling me you don’t know if you’ll get a rat or a great dane? You’re just going to drop those crystals in water and sort of hope for the best? Justin…”

“What?”

“You live in a apartment…”

“Yes.”

“…on the fourteenth floor…”

“Right.”

“…in the middle of the city.”

“True.”

“What will you do if this turns out to be a can chewing, table climbing, door butting, carpet eating, neighbor waking billy goat?”

“A pigmy goat.”

“Like it matters.”

“Well anyway, the chances of that are pretty low. The guy at the store told me something like ninety percent are dogs or cats. Oh and get this, all the animals are purebred.”

“You mean pure grown. Are you sure this isn’t a gag? You know like sea monkeys?”

“Ben,-”

“-No listen! You remember the whole 'Grow your own Sea Monkey's' tripe? They just marketed them to the naïve. You think you can really grow an animal from blue crystals? I mean it still looks like candy to me. I almost ate some!”

“I'm so glad I stopped you!"

"Me too!"

"Could you imagine? My new best friend…WITH NO FRONT LEGS!! That would have been horrible.”

“Your new best friend! Is that all you care about? I could have been growing a billy goat’s head in my stomach! Horns and all!”

“A pigmy goat.”

“Who Cares! Doesn’t THAT concern you at all?”

“Yes of course, Ben, but it didn’t happen. Okay? I mean it’s just lucky I caught you before you did.”

“I’m at least glad of that.”

“I don’t have another hundred dollars to buy a second new best friend.”

“Justin.”

“Yes?”

“This is crazy. Are you really going to try and grow your own pet?”

“Ben. I already started…”

fizzle...

15 comments:

Aunt Missy said...

As scary as it sounds, this might not be that far off.

As always your sense of humor and Friday stories start my morning off on the right foot. I should be working, but NOOOOO, I am shuffling back and forth in cyberspace.......

Anonymous said...

Missy-

I wouldn't wanna risk growing mine...

...I'll hold out for the microwave version.

Roberta said...

Insta-Clones, now that's where the money's at.

"I'm not feeling so hot this morning... Honey! Bring me some water! I'm gonna send my Insta-Clone to work today!"

Of course, you'd have to be careful not to mistake it for your Alkaselzer...

kludge said...

Roberta-

No Doubt! Did you ever see Multiplicity? I would like one I could bump off at the end of the day, without feeling guilty...

...How embarrassing, you're growing a second head!

jenylu said...

I think I'll have my daughter read your post and finish the story for me so I can find out what happens!!! I HATE cliff hangers. :)

kludge said...

Jenylu-

I try to keep them short...

...most blog readers don't want to stay too long.

I wonder if Ben is so worried because he MIGHT have eaten some crystal before Justin saw him. He seems a little too nervous about the whole process...

Jason said...

I have a rich uncle who bought my grandfather a goat. It wasn't a pigmy, just a baby goat. For a while, he kept in in his house and fed it couch parts. It's probably a West Virginia thing

Jason said...

Say Mr. Kludge,

weren't you one of those bullies in middle school that sold little first graders baby salamanders for their lunch money and told them they were baby dinosaurs???

kludge said...

Jason-

I had a friend growing up who had a pet goat. His soul was as black as coal, and used to chase and butt us whenever he had the chance...

...I'm not a big goat fan.

kludge said...

Jason...

regarding your baby salamanders question...

...it's comments like this one that keep me heading back to your blog! I can't even begin to answer that question...

Karen said...

How do you have time on a Friady morning to think these things up? I'm up at 4:45 and can just get myself to work by 7:00. And then my brain doesn't even start until 9:00

kludge said...

Karen-

I'm not sure, things just pop into my head. Additionally I have a job that requires a lot of waiting...this is a real blogging benefit!

Joshua P. Allem said...

Magic beans?
Plant them in the light of a full moon?

Joshua P. Allem said...

OH MAN!!
What if Justin had eaten one of those crystals and a shark had been born inside of him? OUCH!!!!

kludge said...

Joshua-

Magic Beans? Don't be silly, everyone knows thats impossible...:)

Nothing like a shark fin encroaching on your spleen to really spoil the evening.