Polished Off

“Susan what is this slop?”

“It’s beef stew. Stop being such a jerk and eat it.”

“I can’t eat this!”

“You’re already halfway finished! Why do you always tell me something is awful when you’re almost done?”

“I thought you’d like to know how horrible this tasted. So you could fix it next time. Tastes like you’re trying to poison me. I see you’re not eating it!”

“No, I’m eating spaghetti. You don’t like spaghetti, remember?”

“It’s got to taste better than this! Yuck! What is that?!”

“What is what Harold?”

“That sort of waxy after taste?”

“Want some more salt?”

“No. I want to know what you put it here....hey...”


“This smells sorta lemony. I don’t recall you using lemon before...”

“It’s furniture polish”

“Excuse me?”

“Furniture polish Harold. I put furniture polish in it.”

“Susan, Why?!”

“You’re always griping that I don’t dust the tables enough and when I do dust the tables you always tell me that I don’t use enough furniture polish. Well Harold, you can be sure....I used PLENTY of furniture polish this time!”

“You really ARE trying to poison me!”

“Not trying Harold...”

“I’m going to die!”

“You’re definitely going to die. Pretty soon too I imagine.”

“Not only am I going to die, but I’ll be a freak on the local news. Like all those lunatics you always hear about! ‘Johnson County man polished off...and with a fresh lemon sent! News at 11:00.’ Why Susan? What did I do?”

“Is that a joke Harold? You haven’t done anything...”

“Then WHY Susan!”

“... except criticize my every move for the last twenty-two years! ‘You fold the towels wrong Susan’, ‘You clean the stove wrong Susan’ ,’You missed a spot on the mirror Susan’, ‘You bought the wrong kind of pot stickers Susan!’”

“You’re killing me over pot stickers!? I’m sorry. You can get whatever kind you like from now on!”

“I’m killing you because you are a bitter old codger who will never be happy with anything I do. Additionally you’re extremely healthy and I didn’t think you would die on your own for another twenty years or so! Harold I cannot live with you for another twenty years! As for the pot stickers, you’re right, I can get whatever kind I want from now on!”

“Why not just get a divorce?”

“See another criticism! There you go again!"

"I'm sorry!"

"Harold if we did get a divorce I’d probably file the papers wrong, bring the wrong pen or drive poorly to the lawyers office! I’d rather you were dead. At least we would both be happy!”

“You think I’d be happier dead!?”

“Harold, where you’re going they don’t let you complain. And if by some off chance you are going to heaven, I’m sure there would still be something wrong! At least this way I wouldn’t have to hear about it!”

“Susan, I’m sorry! I had no idea I was making you this upset. I was only trying to help you.”

“The only thing you’ve helped me with is turning me into a nervous wreck! I try so hard to make everything perfect and you STILL find something to complain about. Can’t you be happy about anything!”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you Susan."

"Too late for 'I'm sorry' Harold."

"I know. I love you Susan. I didn't mean to make your life miserable. I guess if you were willing to bump me off you must really hate me."

"I don't hate you Harold, I love you. I just cannot take any more of your criticizing and complaining. You were not going to change and I was not going to make it. Rest in peace Harold."

"I just realized what a wonderful woman you are. Too bad I won't be around to enjoy it...but that isn’t a criticism. You’re very crafty, I didn’t know you had this in you. And...uh... your hair looks nice.”

“Stop trying to make up for a lifetime of wrongs in five minutes. Are you really sorry? Do you really mean it? Oh Harold I wish I could believe you.”

“Honestly. I love you Susan. If I was going to live, I would turn my whole life around. I would....[cough]...[cough]....”

“Oh knock it off. You’re not going to die!”

“What?! What about the furniture polish.”

“It was only a tiny bit, it wouldn’t have killed you. I just wanted to get your attention. I just wanted to shake you up and bit and have you finally see how bad you make me feel.”

“You certainly did that! Susan your more than I deserve! I will try to change Susan. I promise you."

"Thank you Harold. I actually think you will."

"Now about my stew. Are you sure just a little bit of furniture polish won’t kill me?”

“Positive...but the kitchen spray I’ve been adding to your coffee might.”


Windy City Survivors said...

LOL! Very creative Peter, I really enoyed reading that one!

Boston Love said...

Crap...I better start being nicer to Erik.

Jason said...

Pot stickers.


I was invited to a pot party once. I showed up with tupperware.

kludge said...


Thank you. I think Patricia's trying to kill me off. She keeps asking about my life insurance policy...

...not that I blame her.

kludge said...

Boston Love-

Or at least cook your own dinner. You could also hire a food taster, like the royalty used to do...

...Come to think of it, what about Suzie?

kludge said...


I think Pot Stickers are very interesting, they're like good food in a Elmer's Glue Pouch.

Huh... Did they fill it up with brownies for you?

Jason said...

No, but I recall them feeding me some salad and when I got home I was very hungry.

J Crew said...

My wife asks about mine all the time as well. It could be because she has around 300k on me.

kludge said...

J Crew-

The fact that she is so concerned with it is certainly a bad sign. Avoid spicy foods. Heavy spice hides arsenic quite well...

...don't ask how I know that.

SJ said...

Made me laugh - again - very creative.

Aunt Missy said...

Like I have always said, you are a funny man. I look forward to Fridays.