Monday, January 22, 2007

Maneuvers

I understand that for the most part men have it easy. Slacks instead of nylons, jeans instead of dresses and we get to wear loafers while women wear heels. In addition to these there are many others such examples of our ease. I submit that men wear hats while women use curling irons and of course, the simple fact that on mens shirts, buttons and button holes are both on the correct sides. This leaves very little room for men to complain about certain things pertaining to our sex. Don’t fret though women, we men will always persevere! I believe I have found the exception.

Wallets. Now at this point a fair number of women will begin listing why the wallet is so much simpler than the purse. In many ways I agree with you. The purse is not the simpler of the two containers. I will begin with a quick lesson in form.

First off I think it is safe to say that not all men have an exceptional sense of style, or what goes with what. It would not be surprising then to have an less than attractive wallet. The thing is that a wallet chosen in poor taste is not in the least life threatening. Most men have one wallet and use it till it wears out. In the end it doesn’t matter if it isn’t at the height of fashion because it is only visible for a minute at a time. Additionally even if it is say, the most hideous creation of mankind, most people will not see it. So fret not if your man choses and eel skin wallet with the phrase “Papa Bear” emblazoned on it’s front. Over it’s life time you’ll only see it for a combined total of thirty minutes or so. If you even do feel very uncomfortable about, just try and remember this, it’s got money in it. Anything that dispenses the dough to pay for dinner or a movie, in the end, is always in good taste.

A purse on the other hand is always visible, under constant scrutiny from the other women. You need to pick a purse that is tasteful enough for the occasion, and different enough to garner praise from your friends. Of course most women get around this by owning a myriad of said travel containers. This means that not only do you have to pick the right purse for the right outing your also need to pack it with everything you might need. Plus you have to recall which purse you brought so that when you leave the party you take the correct purse. The purse picking at the end of any get together is always of great time of entertainment for me. Men do not put their wallets in a pile at the front door and I cannot recall a time when I mistook another mans wallet as my own.

The second difference is one of form. A mans wallet is a finite space. Be it bi-fold or tri-fold it could only hold a certain number of articles. A man has to choose which credit cards, identifications, pictures and association slips he is going to carry with him. He cannot have everything. Many men have over stocked their wallet and then tried to casually carry this pregnant bulge in their back pocket unnoticed. It’s like keeping an elephant up your sleeve, when all is said and done, it’s just not worth the hassle.

Women, on the other hand, seem to have an infinite amount of room in their purse. It seems like they always have everything a body could want. That is, if the purse itself can be located. I have known women who at a moments notice could pull from their purse such necessary paraphernalia as a proof of ID, credit cards, checkbook, pen, pencil, marker, lipstick, gloves, address book, aspirin, sun glasses, reading glasses, scarf or a spare tourniquet. The trade off for such handy access to these items is extra back strain and poor posture from trying to keep it on your shoulder.

So how is it that I can claim that the wallet is so much worse than the purse? Simply this. Has anyone ever tried to get your wallet out of your pocket in the car, while navigating a curve with your seatbelt on, in time to have your money ready for the worker at the drive thru window?

This is not an innate life skill. It takes years of practice not to run up on the curb, smash into the car in front of you, or scatter the contents of your wallet on the floor as you free it from its holding place. For those that have never been through this, I can tell you, it’s a horrible experience when not executed perfectly. I have nearly torn off my pants pocket or lost my wallet into the ‘in between’ of the front seats. The stress alone is worth a visit to the psychiatrists office. I believe this maneuver outweighs all others and I submit as near the worst experience any suburbanite can endure.

10 comments:

J Crew said...

This is so true and how did you know what was in my wife's purse. The only thing you left out was the Robitussin

kludge said...

J Crew-

Your wife could give the boy scouts an object lesson is what it really means to "Be Prepared!"

Ando said...

In the words of George Costanza, "This isn't just my wallet. It's an organizer, a memory and an old friend."

kludge said...

Ando-

I worked with a guy like that. Ryan Hudson could literately NOT get his wallet in is pocket. It was more of a strapless purse than anything...

Sarah said...

Your blog made me laugh. I hate purses-finding the right one, packing it and carrying it. But I do love having just the right thing at the right time. I compromised. Now I have a very small purse for only the essentials and a big duffle bag I keep in the car for any emergancys. You always have to have stuff for emergancy times you know.

kludge said...

Sarah-

I totally understand. When it comes to packing, I'm always an "what if I need something else" person. I could see myself as a huge purse girl...

...what a terrifying thought.

Roberta said...

Dude, like I keep telling Ryan, take your phone/wallet/etc. out of your pocket before you get in the car! I don't want to die because your co-worker can't locate his own samples!

Being in college is great because I don't need a purse; I have a backpack. It's kind of like my personal drugstore: pens, paperclips, stapler, tape, advil, neosporin, bandaids, hair clips, etc.

kludge said...

Roberta-

Good advice. I find that when I take it out, I end up leaving it places. The only recourse is a chain, and I refuse to chain my wallet to my person. I suppose I'll just continue and complain.

I just had an idea for a backpack purse...

...but I believe that has already been taken.

Boston Love said...

Hmmm...still not feeling sorry for the male species on the whole. Especially if that's the only thing you can think of to complain about! ;)

jenylu said...

I'm with Boston Love -- quit yer belly achin'! Actually, don't quit! I found it really funny. :)