Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Lowering My Ears

As I’m driving down the road, I see in front of me the shiny tail fins from a restored Chevy Belair. I hear what sounds like The Everly Brothers belting out “Bird Dog". I imagine this is blaring from some modern CD player in the car. As I pull up along side this classic ride, I see an older gentleman. A throwback to a bygone era, he is quite cleary attempting to regain his past through excessive spending and nostalgic crusing. He is obviously in his early to mid 60’s with a leather bomber jacket, white tee and 50's greaser hairdo. He smiles at me and gives me a nod of recognition, and that’s when I realize it. We both have the same hair style.

I desperately need a haircut. It’s getting out of control. I’ve gone nearly three months between clips and I’m having trouble keeping this pile together for a entire day. This last realization, that with a white t-shirt, leather jacket, and cuffed Levis I could easily look the same as a 1950’s greaser, has got me down. It’s not that I don’t admire this persons style, it’s just that I don’t want to be known as greaser with a pompadour and ducktail in 2006. Beside I don’t really know many Paul Anka or Pat Boone songs.

I’m always happy once I’ve gotten a haircut, but I dislike the experience itself. It’s hard to willing subject myself to something I'm not looking forward to, with the addition of paying sixteen dollars plus tip. Invariably there is always the uncomfortable small talk.

“Hello, so you want a haircut?” She asks.

“Umm...yes, that is the hope.” I say. “Do you have a package that offers a non-chat option?”

“Only with Pam,” she smiles, “but she will ignore your requests and leave your head looking like a wild mountain goat. And she expects a fat tip for it too!”

“Fine I’ll take the chat.”

They always ask me what I do. I explain that I sit at a desk all day type emails, check files, and move very infrequently. It’s not very exciting and certainly doesn’t fill up much of the cutting time. Sometimes I want to lie just to make things interesting.

Well... I work for the CIA. Today we cracked down on a rouge group of scientist who were very close to inventing a perpetual motion machine. I would then explain how the oil companies have been suppressing other neat stuff like cold fusion and magnetic hover cars for decades. I could end it all by saying that the President called and left me three voice mails but I hadn’t gotten around to listening to them yet. This conversation would probably be better than what normally happens.

“You have a lot of gel in your hair”

“I know. ”

“It’s hard to cut with all this gel.”

“I know. I’m sorry. I use more gel because it’s getting long, which is why I’m here.”

“What brand do you use?”

“It comes in a white container with colored squares on it. I buy it at Target because it’s cheap.”

“Have you tried-”

“Please just cut my hair. I don’t want any of your sudo superior products that make me smell like a chemical factory and cost a fortune. Thanks for asking though.”

“So... What do you do?”

13 comments:

Aunt Missy said...

So true, I would love the no chat package, it is awkward to have that little chat and then the big silence after. I am always thinking, did I say something wrong, do they hate me now, what is happening to my hair? Way to insecure.....

How are the girls? All three...

J Crew said...

I would go shorter. Use the clippers and have the wife cut your mug. It's cheaper and more exciting. Plus, the company's better

kludge said...

Aunt Missy-

Agreed! They have way too much power...I mean they are in charge of your appearance for at least the next month, and if it's really bad, maybe two!

All three are well. Hannah is getting so big she is starting to look Alexis's age. I'll add some pictures to dothob today sometime...

kludge said...

J Crew-

I can't imagine going any shorter than I aready do. I'd almost be in style...

...If Patricia cut my hair we would get a divorce that afternoon. Period. I'm afraid I'm just way too picky about how it's cut to ever put her through that. That and I like being married. :)

Brendan said...

I'm easy when it comes to hair cuts... my roomates girlfriend is a dog groomer... I figure that qualifies her to run a clipper over my head every couple months.

kludge said...

Brendan-

That's great!

"I'll have the Shetlan around the ears, and leave the Retriever loook on top..."

Roberta said...

I've never been fond of the chat, either. I have pretty thick hair, so it takes a while. You run out of things to say. And they (invariably a bleach-blond with spikey pink streaks) always ask me the same thing, "Your hair is so healthy! What do you use?" "Uh.. nothing. My hair and I have an agreement: I leave it alone, it leaves me alone!"

kludge said...

Roberta -

There is just very little pleasant about the whole experience...

...I've decided to take the plunge and get it over with. I have just the right hat for tomorrow...

jenylu said...

Is it my imagination, or is this the second time you've blogged about the haircutting experience? :)

You could pretend to be deaf! :) I bet that would make for some super bloggin material! :)

kludge said...

Jenylu-

I'm pretty sure this is my first haircut post. I just searched. J Crew did one a while back...

Not a bad idea, I'll see what happens when I get there...

kludge said...

Jenylu-

I did use this title before though. Just noticed that!

Anonymous said...

Jenylu - don't feel bad - I thought I had read a post similar before too - must be wrong though - - - - -

I like the "non-chat" option too - sometimes is quite awakward - - - but my hair person is wayyyyyyyyy chatty - - - - -

SJ said...

That was supposed to be SJ - not Jeremy - no idea why it logged me in as him - - - - -