Call Me "Suede"

"So my name is Johnathan Fredericks"

"Nice to meet you Johnat-"

"No one calls me that though. I go by Suede."

Well isn't that interesting. Makes you wonder a few things. First of what's up with the whole nickname thing? How do you get a nickname? And of course, How is it a guy who goes by Kludge feels like he has the right to cap on anyones alter-egos.

So we were watching a movie last night, and as the credits roll by I see this Johnny "Suede" Lewis, one tick off. For some reason it just struck me funny. I sat there pondering it for a bit, then turned to my wife who was getting ready for bed.

"Patricia," I queried, "How does one get a nickname like Suede?"

To which she responded something about the time, why I even ask these questions, and then ended the conversation with, "How can a guy who goes by Kludge even ask that question."

"Goodnight."

"Night."

Clearly I was going to have to solve this puzzle by myself. So I put my thinking cap on and went to work. The first thing I figured out is how many names we already have. I mean, don't the majority of us get three right off the bat? And who really uses their middle name?

Most people don't even know that they have a middle name, unless they have to fill out a form or something. For me there is always that pause...middle name....right. I used to get a refresher course frequently when I was a child in my parents house. They were always using my middle name, and it was never a pretty sound! Seems wrong to invent a new name for yourself when a perfectly good one is lying fallow in the middle of your name.

"Oh, so you don't like Patrick eh?"

"Well I just thought "Dry-Rot" had a better ring to it. You don't mind that I never used you in quotes do you?"

There is also the simple point of communication. If everyone has thee or four different names, it would get confusing.

"Have you seen Headrush?

"Which one is he?"

"Short fellow with red hair."

"Oh! Boy Wonder! He's over by Suede"

"Which one is Suede-"

Which begs the next question, How do you get a nickname? Do you earn it through feats of strength, cunning or wisdom? How does it work? Do you pick one for yourself? Is it purchased online or at a nickname shop in the mall?

"How much for that nickname... uh 'QuailBoy'"

"It's on discount today. Surprisingly enough"

I have been given a fair share of nicknames in my life. Some I liked and some, well not so much. Kludge though is not a nickname. Its a web handle. I use it for computing use, and nothing else. I suppose it's similar after a fashion though. Maybe I need to get a good nickname though...Something really out there like 'HardHat' or 'Thumbs'. Just to make people wonder...

How did he get a nickname like that?

Out Of Office

Office full of empty boxes? What my boss found when he returned to his office after April 1st 2008. Thanks to a prankster co-worker and a load of empty tech boxes.

20 Reasons I'm Never Giving Up Coffee

Coffee shops smell good.

Coffee helps me wake up.

I need something to add my three teaspoons of sugar to everyday.

I like holding paper coffee cups. It makes me feel important.

I'm supporting employees with families. It would be wrong to suddenly cut off that support.

It makes work slightly more bearable.

Hot coffee in a cup is an excellent hand warmer.

Coffee stains on your notes make you look like a dedicated worker.

What would I do with all my coffee mugs!?

Coffee breath keeps office lurkers at bay.

Is it illegal? Does it hurt me? Then why would I give it up!?

I like frequent trips to the restroom. It gives me a sense of purpose.

Good coffee taste great.

Bad coffee is better than no coffee.

One word. Mocha. Hello!?

It's got it's own cake.

People don't bother coffee drinkers early in the morning. They know better.

Everyone needs one vice. Coffee is mine. Well...one of mine. Well...the one I'm not giving up!

If I can pay $50 for a tank of gasoline, I can afford $1.90 for a cup of coffee.

When Starbuck takes over the world, we'll all be required to drink it anyway. Why wait?

Craftsmanship

Did someone call for a straightedge?

20 Things I've Learned From Blogging

There are days when blogging is less like recreation and more like work.

Updates are expected. Best of luck with that.

Originality is harder than you think given the vastness of the Net.

If you're looking for Pulitzer prize writing, skip the blogs. If you're looking for vast collections of Gothic poetry, then you've come home.

Everyone has a blog. Even grandma Ethel.

Grandma Ethel's blog has a better Google Pagerank than yours.

If you have to ask 'why blog' then this might not be for for you.

Sometimes it's more important just to post than really have something to post about.

My blogging catch phrase "Just Post it!" (see 3)

When in doubt post a picture and a cool link. "Dude! - Check This Out!"

Themes. The ultimate blogger makeover. Complete with all the bugs and design flaws you've come to expect from computing.

Niche Blogging- The fastest path to a mental breakdown on the Web.

Even a real world loser can be a superstar on the Interwebs.

Nothing feels as good as a new comment.

Two words - RSS Rocks!

If you only have one blog, then you aren't fully hooked yet.

Losing sleep over your next blog post is a bloggers reality.

Making money blogging is alot like 'Snark Hunting', kinda fun with very little to show for it.

Not every post will be award winning. Learn to accept failure gracefully. If at first you don't succeed, then your above average. Try again.

At the end of the day I would definitely say, 'It's worth it.'

Runs With Power Tools

"Runs With Power Tools" It's my Indian name. I just upgraded it from, "Collects power tools and never uses them, even though he has a workbench." It was a bit awkward anyway. Introductions at parties were always a bit lengthy followed by a fairly pregnant pause.

Recently I have decided to try and build some stuff with my tools. It's funny because I really do have a nice selection of tools that I had never put to any real use. So there I am in my garage at my workbench which was was all together well organized, neat and tidy. In other words, it was a complete travesty. In only eight short hours though I fixed it. I fixed it as only a real man can. I turned into an absolute pig sty but in the mist of this pile of sawdust, wood chips, glue, nails and tools was a box. A box that I created.

The box was not square. The edges seemed to wave a little like it was cut by some recovering drug addict trying to keep his mind off the last fix. In addition I had a number of grooves that were not referenced in the initial design. So there I stood, with copious amounts of sawdust in my eyebrows and splinters in my hands, staring at this slightly misshapen, severely over glued, excessively sturdy box of wood, sweat and altered visions.

With each new project I attempt I find that my techniques are becoming more refined. For instance I now understand how to correctly use a straight edge and clamps while wielding the awesome power of my 15amp circular saw. In fact if CAL-OSHA had seen my first few saw cuts I would have been shackled and hauled away, correctly labeled as 'a danger to self and any immediate society.'

But now I got that down. Mostly. Luckily there are plenty more deadly tools in my 'arsenal of destruction'. I would say the shear shearing torque housed in my router is enough to destroy any piece of wood I incorrectly feed into its whirring blade. There is nothing quite like pitching wood pieces around the garage as the router blade grabs and sticks in a nice hard knot.

Noted. Buy new windshield before wife comes home.

For the most part though it's a blast to pick up a tool, and be like, 'I wonder what this is for?' I know I bought it, or was given it for a reason, but I've never used it before. I think I'll try it out. Currently I have constructed three projects in the last three weeks. I have tried things, failed, tried again, failed some more but learned during the process. In the end I have three new objects that cost me slightly less than if I'd purchased them outright, but not by much.

I've already dreamed up three new projects and two of them are pretty adventurous. I'm just happy to finally be shaping wood to my will and getting something that I can say, "Yeah, I made that. Yes, I think I can do better." Which in the end is all anyone can really hope for.

Bacon Fiends Rejoice!

Rest easy pork lovers, the bacon lollipop has arrived!

Thanks again to Mr. Matt Boyd for helping to fill that bacon void in my life, by keeping me up to date on all the latest hog happenings. This little wonder is a lollipop made from Vermont Maple syrup and organic cured pork.


They pitch this pitch and pork product as the anti-kosher lollipop, that infuses the sweetness of syrup with the salty joy of crispy bacon. All I can say is, "I have to try one!"

8th Grade Science Test

Okay, this was kinda of fun. 26 questions that most eight graders should now. Can you pass? I was surprised at blanking on a few of these. I'm just glad it wasn't an 8th grade math test, or 6th grade for that matter...

Creative Exercises

I have now been selling T-Shirts on cafepress for over a year and a half. In that time I have sold about 50 items. Almost every penny of the revenue has been used to purchase other cafepress gear, for fun or silly gifts. Which means that I haven't really made any money off the venture.

For me it's more about knowing people like the designs. To think that someone named Lauren in IN is wearing a 'Bee' t-shirt I designed, or that Miha in Slovenia thought that my 'Monday' shirt was worth the international shipping charge. I'm not sure, why I care but it's just really rewarding. Additionally I guilt tripped Missy into a hasty t-shirt purchase.

With the elections heating up I see that some of the conservative designs I made are now moving. Last week my absolute favorite shirt, with a major stab at Ted Kennedy, finally made a sale. So somewhere in OR Ted is being abused. I can only imagine the horrified looks this person must get while walking around in it. For me, I would never wear it. I'm just not that bold in public. But just knowing that someone else has the nerve to be my voice, and pay me for it, is really cool to think about.

It has also taught me about failure. I've made lots of designs that haven't had the least inkling of a sale. Sometimes my humor doesn't make sense to others. No big surprise there! Point and case is the idea that started it all, 'Stop the Laundry'. I haven't moved a single one. I found that it doesn't matter, and it's more enjoyable just to do it, whether or not it sells. Better to try something and fail at it then always wonder.

I would encourage anyone who ever had the creative itch to give it a shot. It's a blast to get that email -"You've made a sale at Cafepress.com"

Revised Definitions

Ex·er·tion; noun "the act or an instance of exerting; especially : a laborious or perceptible effort." Merriam-Webster 1677

Ex·er·tion; noun "the act of sucking wind, sweating like a pig, and being unable to move easily the next day." Peter P. Brown 2008

I'm not sure if everyone would agree, but I'm rather partial to my definition. I feel that it gives more of a realistic grasp of what life it really like. Sometimes the dictionary can be so bland. I do understand, I mean, that really is its point. A simple, non-emotional glimpse at our language. What would an emotional dictionary really look like? Could you sell it? Would it's point be to help out folks get a real grip on words, or would it just be a gag? Picked up off the local library shelf by a group of twelve year olds looking for a laugh while awaiting a city bus interchange.

Who cares! This isn't some deep thinking blog. I'm here to clear my head of all the crazy garbage that builds up there. This blog is like a weekly yard sale. You know the place you stop by and go, "Why would someone even buy this?" Or, "Wasn't there just a pile of worthless trash here two weeks ago? How much junk can one person have?" Well, that about sums up my brain. So lets get purging!!

Debt

Conventional ": a state of owing"

Revised = ": the reason you have a flat screen HDTV, two new cars but cannot afford take out on a Friday night"

Divorce

Conventional ": the action or an instance of legally dissolving a marriage"

Revised ": the act of trading a spoiled relation with your spouse for a similar relationship with a lawyer that you can't yell at and costs you more than your, now happy, wife ever did."

Mechanic

Conventional ": one who repairs machines"

Revised = ": the person who explains how stupid you are while your wife and kids listen, only to add insult to injury by charging sixty dollars an hour on top of it"

Work

Conventional ": effective operation"

Revised = ": the pit of despair that you drag yourself to everyday to help pay off the aforementioned definitions"

Bacon

Conventional ": a side of a pig cured and smoked"

Revised = ": the sole reason you have for rising out of bed and dealing with each new day"

(Thanks to Matt Boyd for this link)

Have any good revised definitions? I would love to hear them!