20 Things I've Learned From Blogging
Runs With Power Tools
"Runs With Power Tools" It's my Indian name. I just upgraded it from, "Collects power tools and never uses them, even though he has a workbench." It was a bit awkward anyway. Introductions at parties were always a bit lengthy followed by a fairly pregnant pause. Recently I have decided to try and build some stuff with my tools. It's funny because I really do have a nice selection of tools that I had never put to any real use. So there I am in my garage at my workbench which was was all together well organized, neat and tidy. In other words, it was a complete travesty. In only eight short hours though I fixed it. I fixed it as only a real man can. I turned into an absolute pig sty but in the mist of this pile of sawdust, wood chips, glue, nails and tools was a box. A box that I created.
The box was not square. The edges seemed to wave a little like it was cut by some recovering drug addict trying to keep his mind off the last fix. In addition I had a number of grooves that were not referenced in the initial design. So there I stood, with copious amounts of sawdust in my eyebrows and splinters in my hands, staring at this slightly misshapen, severely over glued, excessively sturdy box of wood, sweat and altered visions.
With each new project I attempt I find that my techniques are becoming more refined. For instance I now understand how to correctly use a straight edge and clamps while wielding the awesome power of my 15amp circular saw. In fact if CAL-OSHA had seen my first few saw cuts I would have been shackled and hauled away, correctly labeled as 'a danger to self and any immediate society.'
But now I got that down. Mostly. Luckily there are plenty more deadly tools in my 'arsenal of destruction'. I would say the shear shearing torque housed in my router is enough to destroy any piece of wood I incorrectly feed into its whirring blade. There is nothing quite like pitching wood pieces around the garage as the router blade grabs and sticks in a nice hard knot.
Noted. Buy new windshield before wife comes home.
For the most part though it's a blast to pick up a tool, and be like, 'I wonder what this is for?' I know I bought it, or was given it for a reason, but I've never used it before. I think I'll try it out. Currently I have constructed three projects in the last three weeks. I have tried things, failed, tried again, failed some more but learned during the process. In the end I have three new objects that cost me slightly less than if I'd purchased them outright, but not by much.
I've already dreamed up three new projects and two of them are pretty adventurous. I'm just happy to finally be shaping wood to my will and getting something that I can say, "Yeah, I made that. Yes, I think I can do better." Which in the end is all anyone can really hope for.
Bacon Fiends Rejoice!
Rest easy pork lovers, the bacon lollipop has arrived!
Thanks again to Mr. Matt Boyd for helping to fill that bacon void in my life, by keeping me up to date on all the latest hog happenings. This little wonder is a lollipop made from Vermont Maple syrup and organic cured pork.
They pitch this pitch and pork product as the anti-kosher lollipop, that infuses the sweetness of syrup with the salty joy of crispy bacon. All I can say is, "I have to try one!"
Thanks again to Mr. Matt Boyd for helping to fill that bacon void in my life, by keeping me up to date on all the latest hog happenings. This little wonder is a lollipop made from Vermont Maple syrup and organic cured pork.
They pitch this pitch and pork product as the anti-kosher lollipop, that infuses the sweetness of syrup with the salty joy of crispy bacon. All I can say is, "I have to try one!"
8th Grade Science Test
Okay, this was kinda of fun. 26 questions that most eight graders should now. Can you pass? I was surprised at blanking on a few of these. I'm just glad it wasn't an 8th grade math test, or 6th grade for that matter...
Creative Exercises
I have now been selling T-Shirts on cafepress for over a year and a half. In that time I have sold about 50 items. Almost every penny of the revenue has been used to purchase other cafepress gear, for fun or silly gifts. Which means that I haven't really made any money off the venture. For me it's more about knowing people like the designs. To think that someone named Lauren in IN is wearing a 'Bee' t-shirt I designed, or that Miha in Slovenia thought that my 'Monday' shirt was worth the international shipping charge. I'm not sure, why I care but it's just really rewarding. Additionally I guilt tripped Missy into a hasty t-shirt purchase.
With the elections heating up I see that some of the conservative designs I made are now moving. Last week my absolute favorite shirt, with a major stab at Ted Kennedy, finally made a sale. So somewhere in OR Ted is being abused. I can only imagine the horrified looks this person must get while walking around in it. For me, I would never wear it. I'm just not that bold in public. But just knowing that someone else has the nerve to be my voice, and pay me for it, is really cool to think about.
It has also taught me about failure. I've made lots of designs that haven't had the least inkling of a sale. Sometimes my humor doesn't make sense to others. No big surprise there! Point and case is the idea that started it all, 'Stop the Laundry'. I haven't moved a single one. I found that it doesn't matter, and it's more enjoyable just to do it, whether or not it sells. Better to try something and fail at it then always wonder.
I would encourage anyone who ever had the creative itch to give it a shot. It's a blast to get that email -"You've made a sale at Cafepress.com"
Revised Definitions
Ex·er·tion; noun "the act or an instance of exerting; especially : a laborious or perceptible effort." Merriam-Webster 1677Ex·er·tion; noun "the act of sucking wind, sweating like a pig, and being unable to move easily the next day." Peter P. Brown 2008
I'm not sure if everyone would agree, but I'm rather partial to my definition. I feel that it gives more of a realistic grasp of what life it really like. Sometimes the dictionary can be so bland. I do understand, I mean, that really is its point. A simple, non-emotional glimpse at our language. What would an emotional dictionary really look like? Could you sell it? Would it's point be to help out folks get a real grip on words, or would it just be a gag? Picked up off the local library shelf by a group of twelve year olds looking for a laugh while awaiting a city bus interchange.
Who cares! This isn't some deep thinking blog. I'm here to clear my head of all the crazy garbage that builds up there. This blog is like a weekly yard sale. You know the place you stop by and go, "Why would someone even buy this?" Or, "Wasn't there just a pile of worthless trash here two weeks ago? How much junk can one person have?" Well, that about sums up my brain. So lets get purging!!
Debt
Divorce
Mechanic
Work
Bacon
Have any good revised definitions? I would love to hear them!
Going Out Of Business
"Welcome to the store! - We're Going Out of Business!""I see that."
"Yep, EVERYTHING MUST GO! We're closing our doors! We need to clear this place out! "
"Yeah, I saw the guys on the corners with the signs. That's why I'm here, so you can stop yelling."
"Excellent. Well, have a look around, and CHECK OUT OUR CRAZY DEALS! We've slashed prices by 5%"
"Excuse me?"
"I said, we've slashed prices by 5%, because WE"RE GOING OUT OF BUSINESS!"
"Uhm... That doesn't seem..."
"What?"
"Well, that's not much of a discount. I guess I was expecting more. You know, your competitors regular prices are probably better than your 'going out of business sale' prices. You're not going to move alot of merchandise like that."
"Well... We don't want people thinking that WE'RE JUST GIVING AWAY STUFF!! I mean that's just bad for business."
"But isn't that your problem. I mean, isn't that why your going under?"
"Well..."
"Normally when a place goes out of business they actually want to unload their inventory. Do you not want to get rid of your excess stock?"
"That's ridiculous, of course we want to unload our inventory. Why would we be offering these GREAT DISCOUNTS if we wanted to keep everything. Look at all these deals!"
"Okay, so for instance, this laptop has a scratched screen."
"Unfortunate."
"How much off can I get on top of the 5%?"
"We aren't discounting laptops due to their high demand."
"But you have 45 of them."
"We stocked up right before the CRAZY GOING OUT OF BUSINESS SALE."
"What!? Who does that? Your business practices are utterly absurd. Who adds inventory before going under?"
"Maybe there is a good reason were CLOSING OUR DOORS ON AN ERA!"
"Are you really going out of business?"
"WHAT! Why...uh, Why would you ask that?"
"There is just something about the way you keep smiling and posturing everytime you say these things. Like some sort of crazed carnival pusher. 'Step riggghht up young man! There's a winner every hour!' Kind of like that. I feel like you want to guess my weight or something. Are you really going out of business?"
"Yes. Absolutely. We are totally going out of business."
"Do you have a new job?"
"I do."
"Does it happen to be in this same building?"
"Surprisingly yes."
"Does it also happen that you will selling the exact same items with the same boss and same co-workers."
"By some odd sort of coincidences that is just how it ended up working out....ehm...oddly enough."
"But instead of 'The Machine Hut', you will instead be called..."
"The Machine Wigwam."
"How strange."
"Isn't it?"
"Uh huh..."
"Well...then, I suppose you aren't interested in any of our amazing deals then?"
"Surprisingly enough, I am not."
A Post About Cheese
A quick post about cheese. I like cheese, it tastes good with meat and stuff like that. I sometimes eat cheese by itself, but very rarely. For me cheese alone tastes like yaks fur. Unlike yaks fur though, I think it blends well with other items such as bread, meat, crackers or pickles. So for the most part, I like cheese, but I'm not a cheese connoisseur. The word connoisseur means, 'the people that think your tastes are so far below them, you are no better than a garbage scouring raccoon'. These are the same people who will pay $400 for a pair of socks with the correct label on them or an ugly painting that looks like two caterpillars guts smeared on white canvas because the artist is supposed to be a 'misunderstood crazed genius'.
Why is cheese or any other food considered a delicacy? Because it's expensive? What is it about it that makes it so popular? Is it that the French got their hands on it? Why is it that everything that comes out of France is culinary perfection and the rest of the world are the infantile masses, eating from Earth gutters? I don't buy it. I mean, if the French had invented ketchup it would be in 3oz bottles selling for $24 a pop.
What are the things that end up on the snob scales?
Cheese - Curdled milk
Wine - Spoiled grapes
Sushi - Raw fish
Escargot - Snails
Foie gras- Fatty goose liver
Frog Legs - Umm...Frog legs
Caviar - Salted fish eggs
Hello! Is it just me or the rich only obsessed with the things that are deadly or disgusting? Food is no fun unless it is, spoiled, covered in bacteria or from a place that is impolite to mention in mixed company. Why is it, that the more spoiled an item the more expensive? I mean I like sushi, but it's raw. I'm taking a huge chance here. Shouldn't I get a discount or something? No. We don't cook it, so we charge $10 an once.
Point and case will be the Cheddar Cheese example. Cheddar cheese is the singularly most popular cheese in the world. The rich despise it. It's just so common for them. I'm not sure if it's just too tasty, too normal ,too mundane or just too yellowish. Whatever the reason it's not for them. They don't want it yellow, no. They want it blue. It's blue not because it is sad, though it should be. It's blue because it is covered in mold.
That's right. You just paid extra for a substance that is considered a toxic particle if in your house, but in your cheese it means you pay $8.75 per/lb. Go figure.
Club Faragaran
Come to lovely Club Faragaran! The tree lodge with the all the comforts ground lovers crave. Club Faragaran has all the amenities for those of you looking for a relaxing stay in a tree top paradise. While staying with us 200 feet above the boulder littered forest floor, we always have your safety in mind. That is why we are nearly halfway done installing a surrounding guard rail along our tree top platforms. The only two areas left to be done are our tennis courts and the children's play structure.
At Club Faragaran we know that not everyone is comfortable with the beautiful and spacious views of the Faragaran Mountains as viewed from the tops of the towering timbers. To help with the initial adjustment period, we have our patented 'dangle time' orientation. We are currently the only tree top resort that offer this special introduction that allows you to make both an altitude and attitude adjustment.
During this innovative session, you will be hitched to a seatbelt and thrown over the side of the platform. Here you will remain until your screams for help turn into cries of joy. Anyone wishing to go back for a second session is more than welcome, and encouraged if they seem unhappy during any of their stay at Club Faragaran!
Club Faragaran, has something for everyone. We have tennis courts, basketball, extensive rope course, a swimming pool, and even a sauna carved from the trunk of a 1000 year old tree. The environmentalists sure gave us a hassle over that one! Though honestly, we ask you, What good is a thousand year old tree if you can't have a sauna?
Up until last year we even had a small horseback riding arena, but it seems that some weaken timbers and poor horse handling spoiled a few guests afternoon. We are looking into purchasing some more horses, after wrongful death lawsuits have been resolved, and the sky platform has been sufficiently repaired.
We have a great central fire pit for singing, roasting marshmallows or just relaxing with the family. The pit is now closely maintained by a crew member after the great pit fire of '05 almost burned Club Faragaran the ground. Luckily for us, most of the guest who were fuel for that fire fell off the platform before catching too much of the old growth on fire. Consequently the new railing project started in the fall of that same year. This of course means we might not be as lucky next time to save our trees from fire damage. As such we've installed a number of extinguishers in and around the fire pit.
So if you are looking for a place to spend your next vacation look no further than Club Faragaran. The relaxing and peaceful getaway island in the sky!
Decomposing Humor Vol.02
The pun is one the lowest form of humor. It exists somewhere between gassing and sarcasm. You can take your pick as to the direction that scale travels. I would say, closely the equivalent of bacteria on the life awareness scale. Clearly more advanced than an amoeba and yet not really as far up the chain as say the next step, Jimmy Carter. Yet in much the same way that some bacteria can have life altering effects on humans, so can the pun effect a well rounded humor routine. While many puns induced the habitual groan and hack, or loving referred to as "applause" by Uncle Arty, a well place pun can be funny.
I will find myself working for three or four sentences, just to setup a rather stupid pun. It is not my belief that people find them outrageously funny, it's more about just trying to think of something creative.
"Is this the latest model?"
"Obsoletely."
In addition, I find that the expected, repeated joke gains in humor as it is both expected and repeated. In much the same way that Thanksgiving is always the same every year, so too the dumb pun can in many ways take on a sort of 'tradition'. In a sick sort of way you almost look forward to the repetition.
And while any dummy can poke you with a silver serving spoon in the rumpus, only the truly skilled can go four or five rounds in a back and forth pun battle. Even if nobody except the two folks sparing appreciate it. My mother-in-law is quite the skilled combatant in this arena, and I strive to someday reach her level of corn.
So while many people believe the pun to be a last ditch effort of a dying jokester, I find that with sufficient thought, anything can be funny. Even the lowly pun.
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