Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Sneezing For Blessings

During my childhood, sneezing always seemed a rather violent act. When my father sneezed, bones cracked, car alarms sounded and people miles away were thrown through shop windows, where they were forced to purchased items they had no intention of buying minutes prior.

Needless to say that when dust was stirred up in my house, you found some sturdy place to anchor yourself against the impending shock wave, or suffered for your lack of preparednesses. Unless of course you wished to get downtown in a hurry.

As I grew up I spent lots of time cataloging different types of sneezes. Believe it or not, it's true. Some of us are just made to be human nets for the collection of obscure data. At this point in my life I believe that for as many different people there are in this world, there are just as many different types of sneezing styles.

Besides the aforementioned Back Cruncher, here are a few more from my lists.

The Single Standard Sneeze. This is a simple single sneeze, at an above average pitch. This is way they sneeze in Hollywood. Note that there is never anything expelled in the Triple S. That would not be sexy, and Hollywood cannot allow this. Everyone thinks they're a Triple S. Don't bet on it.

The Muzzle Muffle. This is a scary sneeze to me. The point is to keep the violent explosion of a human sneeze from erupting. This is the equivalent of putting your forefinger in a gun to hold back the blast. It might work for Bugs Bunny or James Garner but there is no way I'm going to try it. Muzzle Mufflers also think they can open a can of soda, after it's shaken, just by tapping on it.

Next is the Whistle Blower. I must say this is one of my favorites and we have a Whistle Blower in my office. This is a Muzzle Muffler lacking sufficient skills to hold back the tide. They try and stifle the sneeze but sound, much like a steam whistle, escapes. "EEEPP!" Whistle Blowers are great at parties. They're like a free Piccolo Pete. You supply the irritants, pollen, dust, perfume or whatever, and they go crazy. Let's get this party started! "EEEPP! EEEPP!"

The Extra Credit. This is a new one to me, but I feel for the person experiencing it. There is nothing as violent as three or four sneezes in a row. This looks like a major whiplash hazzard to me. The plus side of the Extra Credit is to get as many "Bless You"'s as possible. This is accomplished by performing around new folks. Those of us accustomed to Extra Credit, sometimes forget to bless at all, due to the sheer excitement of the show.

So there you have just a few of the sneezes from the catalog of an avid collector. Please feel free to share any you've seen.

16 comments:

Roberta said...

I've got one: The Cartoon Mouse. Honest to goodness, I know people who sneeze so tiny, you look at your feet to see if you stepped on a small, furry rodent. They don't even get the "Ah-" in there, it's just "-choo!"

jenylu said...

I have another one: the Hose Head
One of my offspring, who shall remain nameless to save his dignity, used to instantly produce snot down to his waist everytime he sneezed. Fortunately, he outgrew this style -- even so the family braces themselves when he has a sneeze coming!

I think my style is the extra credit -- especially during allergy season.

Ando said...

I kind of like sneezing. I sometimes make myself sneeze on purpose. Is that weird?

SJ said...

I was going to type one, but Roberta beat me to it - I know several people with the Cartoon Mouse Sneeze - - -

And I live with someone who sneezes like the "Extra Credit" - I have never - and I repeat never heard him sneeze less than twice - it is generally 3 -4 times when he does.

Missy said...

I am the extra credit sneezer! My family now says, "wait for it" instead of bless you. I always sneeze twice, don't know why, I think it's because I have a big nose.

Joe's sneezes are eardrum poppers. His are so loud that if you are in the car, the windows will bow out just ever so slightly and your ears ring for a few seconds. The older he gets, the worse the noise!

kludge said...

Roberta-

I know the one you mean... How does that work? Mine always have so much more power behind them...

...I doubt the legitimacy off such a petite sneeze. ;)

kludge said...

Jenylu-

What to protect his anonymity there!

When my allergies were at their hight, I was right there with him.

No one wants to invite you out to lunch...

kludge said...

Ando-

I'm not sure... Maybe you should seek help, sounds like the new bulimia to me.

kludge said...

SJ-

I wasn't thinking of anyone in particular when typing up the extra credit part...(wink, wink)...

...honest! ;)

kludge said...

Missy-

That's awesome. A very mainly sneeze! Sort of like a suburban super hero.

"The Sneeze! - Stopping crime and expelling irritants!"

Missy said...

It could be exciting, IF YOU DIDN"T LIVE WITH HIM. If I see any indication of a sneeze coming on, I plug me ears.

Also that little cartoon mouse sneeze, it just can't be real, can it.....

Sarah said...

I have the extra, extra credit sneezes along with my mom, sister, grandfather and great grandmother. Every time we sneeze it is not once or twice but at least 10-20 sneezes. One almost has to take a nap after all that.

kludge said...

Sarah-

Wow! I can't recall ever being around when you've been performing! I agree That sounds exhausting!

Anonymous said...

Ando...I like making myself sneeze as well...I know this is weird, but I don't think it's to the point where we need to get help for it....i just like sneezing sometimes

Anonymous said...

I have another type: The flip sneeze. You know sometimes you sneeze so hard that you bend down really fast and feel like you have to flip forward? that one.

...I am also obsessed with sneezing. 99.9999992% of the time i luv fakes. idk why. i just do. In the 0.0000008 of real sneezes, I like the ones they show on those flu commercials.

ViperMan2000 said...

Oh! I got one! The Head Banger! And not like bangin' your head rockin' out to your favorite tunes or anything like that. I have a cousin who used to do this thing where every time he sneezed, his head would go flying forward. This was when he was a toddler. So, thus, every time he sneezed, he banged his head on a table of some sorts. It was almost comical.