Suburban Commando

Duty calls this morning and I don’t have time to type up my new post. I’m reposting a old article that I believe will be new to many of you. Enjoy!


Dressed in camouflage with a rake slung over my shoulder, I have an ammo belt full of fertilizer pellets. My boots have spikes for proper lawn aeration, and a mean spit shine. Hanging loosely in my left hand an industrial size weed n' feed spray. The lines are draw; I'm ready for suburban combat. There can be only one "best lawn" on the block.

When I go to mow the lawn I pull out all the paraphernalia. The gas mower starts the performance, followed by the electric weed whacker/edger, then the hedger, and sometimes I get to pullout the sawsall for large over hanging branches. Follow up with a simple fertilizer spreader and then I take a bow, and put away my toys. All in all the shows runs under 40 minutes or so. Others come out for their shows but none are quite as engaging.

Many contenders have cut out early, the house down the street with the brown lawn and the "Starfleet Academy Graduate" and "Ferengi School of Business" stickers on his car, gets outside even less than I do. We also have a handful of "rock lawns" who also narrow the competition. I had been a clear victor for many months, with a nice lawn and well trimmed edges. The rains have changed all that.

The whole street looks as green as the emerald isle. Suddenly everyone is competing, and I refuse to go down without a fight. I'm one of the youngest on the block and I have something to prove. By spending the most money my lawn is STILL not as green as my neighbor's who spends 4 minutes a week in total maintenance. He doesn't even have a hopper on his mower! I'm now on a strict schedule of fertilizer, water, and agonizing. I find there is always time for the latter.

I believe the community is cheering for my neighbor. I'm finding subtle hints that my poll numbers are down. The old lady with "Paul" the pug dog makes frequent "stops" on my lawn. I've found numerous "Payday" wrappers in my foliage. If that weren't enough someone has spread weeds in my lawn. You laugh but I swear they're against me. So I come home last week and the lawn looks "good" but there is a second lawn of "wheat weeds" three times as high as my normal lawn. I swear it wasn't there two days ago.

Can someone explain why we work so hard cultivating grass when weeds grow without any trouble at all? Surely some scientist somewhere can be spared from the gene mapping program to spend a week or so making a grass-like weed. No more maintenance, no more hassle, just mow once a month, and it chokes out its own competition.

Until then its time for a trip to the hardware store. I will buy more gizmo's for the show and see if I can garner support back from my base. With any luck, summer will take its toll on the upstarts and, I'll soon be sporting my "best lawn on the block" badge again.

3 comments:

Windy City Survivors said...

Ahh, the good old lawn. All that work and it never looks great (unless you are my mother'n'law). We have to seed ours this year. All we had last year were weeds for our front lawn! :) Maybe this year I'll actually mow lawn instead of dirt and weeds. Let me know if you figure out the secret to greener grass!

Ando said...

Ah, a Classic Kludge.

J Crew said...

You need to come out with a greatest post album