Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Order Now!

Order Now! Offer while supplies last! Limit one per customer! The perfect gift! Buy one get one free! Will never wear out! Special reduced pricing! Can be shipped to Canada, Hawaii and Alaska! A real bargain! Additionally If you order within the next ten minutes you also get the amazing noodle nibbler, and our patented pickle picker, free of charge!

I love fun gadgets! Infomercials were easily one of my favorite programing choices. There is just something so comical about bad actors, ridiculous products and outrageous claims all mixed together that makes for a very enjoyable half hour of entertainment. I mean how many times can one person pretend to act surprised about a Magic Bullet?

“The Magic Bullet makes soup Jan!”

“NO!”

“Jan, The Magic Bullet, turns normal sugar into powdered sugar!”

“HOW Dan!? Is that amazing! Is it really magic Dan?”

“Listen to this Jan. The Magic Bullet will also clean up your kitchen for you! And that patch of weeds in your garden...”

And then the price game starts! This might be my favorite part of the whole performance! Why would anyone spend sixty dollars on an item that they’ve never seen in person? Because in the ad it started at one hundred and twenty bucks!

“Jon, How much would you be willing to pay for these amazing onion goggles?”

“They’re the best kitchen solution in decades Bill, I’d easily pay seventy-five dollars!”

“Well your not going to spend seventy-five dollars, or seventy-four dollars or even seventy-two fifty!”

“Seventy-two dollars!?”

“That’s right, but with shipping and handling it should be quite a bit more.”

“For these cheap plastic goggles? What a deal!”

When you do get infomercials items home, they’re never quite as good. I mean we had a food dehydrator but hardly ever used it. When it came down to it our jerky meat wasn’t sitting out in a glass dish, ready to just add to the dehydrator like it was on the television. Who wants to spend the time making the fruit paste required to make 'home made' fruit roll ups when they're only fifty-nine cents at the supermarket?

How about the day you realized that in order to chop onions in the astounding chopper, you had to cut them into small pieces first. Doesn't that defeat the point? Additionally, no matter what they tell me, I have no need for a knife that can cut both the metal head of a hammer and slice a tomato to near transparent proportions.

So now you've spent way too much on a plastic gadget that will fill up more cupboard space and be used less than you ever dreamed possible. Such is life. Consider not that you spent too much on a cheap product, but rather that your money is going to keep quality programing on the air!

10 comments:

Boston Love said...

I am an infomercial junkie as well. My roommate and I used to combine those with watching the food network all day, you can imagine. All together we owned a Magic Bullet, a Jr. Deep Fryer, an Abtronic and some kind of hair removal system that burnt our eyebrows off. Thank God we didn't use it in another area they assured would be "painless." How much would you pay to get your skin burned off? $50?! $60?! Uh...yep, I'm an idiot.But it's nice to know I'm not alone.

Patricia said...

I'm an idiot too Boston Love! My hair removal system didn't burn the hair off it just turned my legs into sticky sugary messes.
Although I did love my Curuso (I think thats how you spell it) Curlers. Curling your hair with steam. But did they forget to tell you that steam can give you 2nd degree burns.

Jason said...

We have a pickle picker at the chemistry lab where I work. We use it to pick up 1,000 degree ceramic crucibles.

They're also good to torture janitors with.

J Crew said...

Just remember to set it... and forget it. Ronco is my hero!!

Ando said...

You forgot the line used in every infomercial ever made, "But wait!"

Usually used in conjunction with "That's not all" and "You'll also receive..."

I wasted many a nights sleep watching late night infomercials.

kludge said...

Boston Love-

We have all fallen into the pit of the infomercial. How can we survive without it?!

The ONLY kitchen gadget I CANNOT live without is my amazing can colander!

kludge said...

Patricia-

Another separation from men woman. Although we expect women to do this to themselves for our benefit, we would NEVER put anything that could cause 2nd degree burns in our hair!

kludge said...

Jason-

The pickle picker! Saves you from nasty pickle juice and flaying off your epidermal layer!

PS The janitors are spraying counter top cleaner in your coffee mug!

kludge said...

J Crew-

It's amazing, I bet that 90% of America knows that tag line from an infomercial!

I love Ronco, but I have to say that, the spray on hair thing, was a bridge too far!

kludge said...

Ando-

Good ones!

I was actually having trouble coming up with these yesterday! If I had know your were such a repository I would have asked for some help!


"That's not all!" Might be my favorite infomercial line.