Letter To a Toy Manufacturer

Dear Toy Manufacturer,

Hello. I writing this letter because I need to get something off my chest. Normally I would take a bit of time to inquire after your well being or thank you for whatever service you render. I just want to say, that while I wanted to do these things, I could think of nothing polite to say. I’m sorry.

I hate your guts. That seems a bit harsh. Let me try it again, I think you’re vile, festering excuse for a human being. Again, I apologize, this isn’t going as well as I’d hoped. I don’t want you to think that this is how I normally act. That is assuming you are still even reading this letter, given that I assume you have an unbelievably short attention span. Clearly any one producing toys today must. I’m a sane rational man, who tries to be level headed and clear minded. I like to try and approach issues from a detached emotional standpoint. It’s just that where your products are concerned, I have trouble doing so.

As an adult I have trouble remembering what I played with at one and two years of age. I imagine there were many brightly colored objects. Cups, blocks, rings and other highly stimulating shapes that excited my rather spongy infant brain. I can only imagine what my parents must have endured at the end of the nineteen seventies. Plastic toys they had to assemble, and colorful mechanical cars that whistled and beeped when you wound then up. How annoying to have all those things under their feet. Up until I became a parent I could empathize for them. You, Mr. toy manufacturer, have changed all that.

My folks never had to endure the slow brain deterioration that my wife and I must go through on a daily basis. I’m talking about your battery powered, intelligence pathway driven, implanted microchip talking toy series. Because of you and your creative circuit circus, I’m losing my mind! I cannot move in my house without some object singing, “The Itsy Bitsy Spider” , asking one of my daughters for a hug or just letting out some freakishly demonic toy like laughter. I’ve heard “Head and Shoulders, Knees and Toes” one million five hundred and seventy-two times. I have strong urges to smash little talking tea pots.

I then considered abandoning all the talking, singing, laughing and otherwise annoying toys. I figured on some normal stuffed animals that just sat there. Maybe some plastic cause and effect toys, or just bits of rocks for them to look at. The trouble is there isn’t a toy that doesn’t do, play or say something. It seems that people who can't accept this, are just living in the past. I then decided to just persevere by scheduling some quiet time,every once in a while, by turning some of them off. You, in your infinite wisdom, neglected to add off switches to your toys. Cute. Additionally all batteries are secured to the toy with a twenty eight screw panel, to test our parental endurance and make sure we never remove the power without an hour or so of free time.

Anyway, if you see a strange man coming to your manufacturing plant in the dead of night with a pickup truck full of gasoline cans, a box of matches and a good pair of running shoes, pay him no attention. He’s just blowing off some steam.

Sincerely yours,
Peter “Little Teapot” Brown

12 comments:

J Crew said...

Tough weekend? Or is this something that has been boiling up inside of you :)

BTW.. if you want, I can bring Ellie over and she can stop the singing real quick in those toys.

kludge said...

It actually makes me laugh sometimes. I love when, at the end of the night they all chime off, "I Love You!", "Tummy! Hehe!" , "Old McDonald..."

...as I pile them into their baskets in a vein attempt to deaden their giggles.

Palm Springs Savant said...

nice blog...you made me laugh thanks!

stop by and say hi sometime
www.rickrockhill.blogspot.com

SJ said...

I have to admit - this cracks me up!!!!!!

kludge said...

Palm Springs Savant-

I'm glad you liked it. Thanks for stopping by.

kludge said...

SJ-

Thanks!

There are days I feel like pulling a "Sid" from Toy Story.

Ando said...

I surprised at you. You're admitting defeat. Since when has a few screws kept you from cracking open an electronic device. I very surprised...and ashamed.

kludge said...

Ando-

I'm sorry...

...I've cracked open a few electronic devices in my day, but most of them don't chant "Mary had a little lamb..." at every screw turn...

It's hard to stay strong under that kind of pressure. :0

Ando said...

Two words: ear plugs.

jenylu said...

This is funny!

BTW, How many of the most offensive ones were purchased by the grandparents that insisted you keep them at your house? :)

Sarah said...

So this is what I have to look forward to very soon. GREAT!! Just what I don't need but all my relatives think I do.

Windy City Survivors said...

I feel for you! We have the same problem. A good solution is to 1)not replace the batteries, 2)turn the off button on (it's in the puppies backside, or 3)make it mysteriously disapear.