Letter To The Non-Caffeinated

Dear Non-Caffeinated;

I hope this letter finds you well, though I have to say I believe that is a false hope. I honesty I’m not sure when I should be sending this letter to you. Are you awake as long as those of us who choose to par-take of the joys of caffeine? Do you start the day as I do with alertness and awareness? I really haven’t got any idea. Do you just past the day in the restless sleep of those who have never understood, let alone held or sipped at joy?

I have to say I would be hard pressed to live a life as horribly misshapen as yours. I feel pity and sorrow, first for your lack of attentiveness and second for the inexplicable hesitance you feel towards happiness. Please feel free to read this more slowly or in bits more fitting for your state of concentration. You could also have some caffeinated person read it to you, if you find it too much work for one morning.

Before diving in much further I suppose you are wondering why I’m writing. This is simple. I wish to offer an olive branch to you, from my people. Are you still reading this? Did you doze off? Should this letter be shorter so that you can concentrate? As you can see, there is still a lot about your kind that my people do not understand. Currently you serve mostly as an example, or illustration for my people. The sort of folks who scoff at bliss, the way the Amish do at technology. You help us realize that if we were to fall into the same trap as you, we might not wake some morning, in a groggy decaffeinated haze. Additionally our digital watches might be missing. The thought is truly terrifying.

Again to return to the point at hand. I wanted to start this conversation because of the obvious breech between our peoples. My people hang out in coffee shops, go to work, and stay up past nine O clock at night. What about you? Did you know that the sun sets every night and a mass called the moon comes out in its wake? It’s the truth I assure you! It is really quite lovely. I suppose you could have heard about it from some of your caffeinated co-workers. What do you do for fun? I cannot imagine. Sleepwalking? I really don’t know.

I have heard of your people talking about our addiction to caffeine. I suppose this is true, we are addicted to it. As a point of information though, I wanted to point out the possible incorrect conclusions you might be drawing. Do you know that caffeine is readily available and is not an illegal in any country? You are aware that there are massive amounts of the stuff in a variety forms to suit all tastes? Did you also know that it brings fulfillment, is relatively inexpensive and is completely available? If so, why would being addicted to it be viewed as a bad thing? This brings to mind two other substances we are also both addicted to, water and breathable air. I hope you don't try and kick either of those habits soon.

I hope I have made my point obvious? I apologize if I have gone to fast for you. There is no reason, beside a possible medical one, why not to consume some form of caffeine. Even those people with medical issues, I would imagine, would be happier with a shorter caffeinated life, than a longer deprived existence. Though in the end that is only an opinion.

Sincerely yours;

Peter Brown
Severely Over-Caffeinated

13 comments:

J Crew said...

A lot of people love their caffeine in the form of coffee. I am not one of those. I find my joy in the Dew. Either way though, it's caffeinated goodness.

SJ said...

Well, I have to say that I am one of those the letter is written to - however - it is important to note that I do like Caffeine. It just doesn't like me - due to medical reasons, I can't have it - sad :( But I do have to say I can stay awake past 9, do know about the moon, do hang out in coffee shops and seem to enjoy life. :):):) It is possible to not have caffeine and be awake - - - - - most days :P

jenylu said...

Sipping my cappuccino & back in the blogospere...life is good. :)

Boston Love said...

I have quit caffeine before and been quite proud of myself. However, I forget after a couple weeks why it was so important. It doesn't help you lose weight, think better, have clearer skin or shiny hair. Nothing. What's the point? So fill up those coffee/tea/soda mugs and enjoy.

kludge said...

J Crew -

All forms of caffeine are acceptable! However you get it, as long as you do! (or dew)

kludge said...

SJ -

So you're a caffeine sympathizer! I'm fine with that. You can hang with our people.

I must point out that the Peter Brown in this post is not me. He's just a lunatic representing the fringe of the caffeinated. Everything he said should not be considered my opinion...

...I guess it's just a common name.

kludge said...

Jenylu-

Welcome back! I have just finished two cups of "go juice" myself. As you say...

...life IS good!

kludge said...

Boston Love-

An excellent point!

The pain of quiting is not worth the benefits reaped! I couldn't have said it better myself!

SJ said...

I feel so much better knowing I can still be "in" the group!!!!!!

Megan C. said...

I too am one to whom the letter was directed. Although I could easily allow myself to become addicted to the substance I find that life is easier and I have more money in my pocket if I do not drink the substance. I am one who stays up fairly late without caffine 11:00-12:00. If I were to drink it anytime after 3:00 pm, I will be awake into the wee hours of the morning wondering why I am unable to sleep even though I am tired. As a teacher, I receive many Starbucks cards so of course I have to use them. I have grown to enjoy my Starbucks days but most of the drinks I order are without caffine. It is possible to live a long and happy life without the daily dose. :)
-A typically non-caffinated individual and proud of it

kludge said...

Megan-
Wow I'm glad to hear you can be well adjusted and caffeine free...
Though it sounds a little scary to me!
I know a guy with a natural highwho with caffiene would do nothing but fly!

I would actually be happy to be awake without it but I'd feel incomplete somehow!

Sarah said...

I also don't need caffeine to function and am so glad. I have been told over and over again by caffeine junkies that I must get addicted or I could not do my job. I was told this while an EMT, in nursing school and working night shift as a nurse. So far, I manage to do just fine without it. Though some nights around 4 or 5 am I could do with a boost of energy. I do have to say, after I had my little girl I drank a pepsi just b/c I wanted one. That night i lay awake for hours wondering why I couldn't sleep even though I was exhausted. It was aweful. No caffeine for me most of the time. However, you have fun in your drug induced ups and downs.

kludge said...

Sarah-

Good for you! If you don't need it, don't get started.

I've been off the juice before, and I do okay, but in the end I miss it. That IS addiction for sure...but I'm fine with that.

I just re-read this post after you commented... Apparently the caffeine didn't help me, as there were still one billon errors in it. Maybe I should cut down to 3 cups a day...