Letter To A Mac User

Dear Mac User;

Let me start by saying don't panic! This letter might seem long, but I assure it is very user friendly. I use easy to understand language and don’t get muddled up with difficult technical terms. Please keep reading, I promise you can do it. I’m sorry I wasn’t able to incorporate some stunning yet simple graphics into this note, but as I’m just a PC user, I don't understand such things.

I’m writing this to help you understand the main differences between what I am, a geek, and what you are a user. As a geek I have an inherent love of computers. When I say that, I want you to understand, that I’m for all machines that fit into that category. This is sort of how I imagine a car person feels about automobiles. I long to open the hood and tweak the manifold, or whatever parts you find under the hood of a car. I really wouldn’t know, I haven’t got a clue about cars. I just turn it on and it works. I like to drive but don't want to be bothered much past, keeping air in the tires and gas in the tank.

In this we are similar. Most Apple people I know really don’t like computers the way a mechanic likes cars. They just want to use it for typing or browsing their email, or accessing their iTunes, for their iPhone, or iPod on their iMac. Maybe some iWork, or iLife over their sleek Apple Airport on their iBook. Apples are computers for people who don’t like computers. This is fine, but please don’t pretend you have a clue how it works.

When I hear knocking under my cars hood I know I haven’t a prayer of fixing it. I certainly don’t tell the mechanic that he needs to adjust the timing on the piston ring, or zap the p ram, because this car is different than other cars that he is familiar with. It’s insides are special and they cost me more money. I paid this money not because I was had by the salesman, but because it’s a very pretty car that’s easy to drive and as such it is worth more. I should know, I read the marketing pamphlet at the auto retailer! It was very easy to follow.

Most Apple people I know are shocked to find out that some arcane and ridiculously old engine like Unix is actually the driving force that runs their stylish beast. I’m not sure which primal animal service pack is the newest machination of OS X but I’m sure it is the descriptive antithesis for the end users grasp of the Mac’s power. Using their absurdly simple single button mouse, they are clicking and dragging away on some Internet Safari to download Tiger, Panther or Leopard. They are unaware that the useless rectangle called a ‘keyboard’ sits sallow under a ever growing pile of dust. You might be surprised to know that the keyboard used in conjunction with the command line could unlock the true nature of your machine. Maybe if Apple replaced all those ‘complex’ letters with pictures and renamed it to iKey it would get more use.

Anyway the issue is that for so many years I’ve been making fun of Mac users, because first off you absolutely deserved it and second off you were touting this toy machine as a computer. Since the release of OS X, built on BSD, I find that I’m now a Macintosh computer expert. Additionally the Macintosh has moved from pre-school novelty to a system with real geek appeal. This fact is hard to come to grips with. Luckily none of you Mac users have any clue that something has changed. Which means that I can go right along abusing you and your computing habits. At least for that I’m thankful.

Sincerely Yours

Peter "CLI" Brown

249

This morning I was having trouble coming up with a post. I have a number of thoughts, as I always seem to, but none of them strike me as particularly funny. I wonder if I need to just give myself a break for a bit. Post are becoming more forced and less spontaneous lately. I don't want that. It might have something to do with the number of posts I’ve written. I had no idea I was anywhere near 250 till this morning. As of this post I’ll have pumped out more than 249 posts in 11 months. Most of those being around 500 words or more a piece. I’m having trouble staying fresh. I feel like any new idea that I have is a topic I've already written about. I know that it isn't true, and there are always news ideas. I just need to find them.

I suppose I'm just having a little trouble getting inspired. I though that over the weekend I would definitely have a post for today, but the three idea I had are all dull. I’ve done lots of stuff over the last 11 months and had a lot of fun doing it. None of this is your problem, besides the fact that you came here today to find something amusing and got a cold shower of boredom instead. I just wanted to say, don’t give up on me. I’ll keep coasting along again till I get the old engine going. I want to continue with the blog for a long time, I will promise to try and unclog my think.

If you want to help please, drop me a line, and let me know what you like or dislike for that matter.

Conversation Friday
Lazy Thursday Blues
Bizarre Questions
Letters
Poems
Caffeine Products
Suburban Articles
Or maybe you want something new.

Thank you for your continued patronage.

Kludge
Editor and Chief
kludgespot.blogspot.com

Lazy Thursday Blues: Caption 20

It is once again Caption Thursday! I'll provide a picture and you provide the caption. Today's picture is a wild one! Enjoy.

As always we need to adhere to good taste. Please keep it clean.


Here's one to get you started:
Merl and his traveling 'Spiting Llama Band' on the road
between happening gigs in Bolivia!



Stuff I've found this week:
Petal Powered Roller Coaster I'll try anything once...

Star Wars Speakers In Your Living Room!? No Doubt!

A Robot Suit. It's name is HAL. That seems like a bad choice to me...

Suburban Commando

Duty calls this morning and I don’t have time to type up my new post. I’m reposting a old article that I believe will be new to many of you. Enjoy!


Dressed in camouflage with a rake slung over my shoulder, I have an ammo belt full of fertilizer pellets. My boots have spikes for proper lawn aeration, and a mean spit shine. Hanging loosely in my left hand an industrial size weed n' feed spray. The lines are draw; I'm ready for suburban combat. There can be only one "best lawn" on the block.

When I go to mow the lawn I pull out all the paraphernalia. The gas mower starts the performance, followed by the electric weed whacker/edger, then the hedger, and sometimes I get to pullout the sawsall for large over hanging branches. Follow up with a simple fertilizer spreader and then I take a bow, and put away my toys. All in all the shows runs under 40 minutes or so. Others come out for their shows but none are quite as engaging.

Many contenders have cut out early, the house down the street with the brown lawn and the "Starfleet Academy Graduate" and "Ferengi School of Business" stickers on his car, gets outside even less than I do. We also have a handful of "rock lawns" who also narrow the competition. I had been a clear victor for many months, with a nice lawn and well trimmed edges. The rains have changed all that.

The whole street looks as green as the emerald isle. Suddenly everyone is competing, and I refuse to go down without a fight. I'm one of the youngest on the block and I have something to prove. By spending the most money my lawn is STILL not as green as my neighbor's who spends 4 minutes a week in total maintenance. He doesn't even have a hopper on his mower! I'm now on a strict schedule of fertilizer, water, and agonizing. I find there is always time for the latter.

I believe the community is cheering for my neighbor. I'm finding subtle hints that my poll numbers are down. The old lady with "Paul" the pug dog makes frequent "stops" on my lawn. I've found numerous "Payday" wrappers in my foliage. If that weren't enough someone has spread weeds in my lawn. You laugh but I swear they're against me. So I come home last week and the lawn looks "good" but there is a second lawn of "wheat weeds" three times as high as my normal lawn. I swear it wasn't there two days ago.

Can someone explain why we work so hard cultivating grass when weeds grow without any trouble at all? Surely some scientist somewhere can be spared from the gene mapping program to spend a week or so making a grass-like weed. No more maintenance, no more hassle, just mow once a month, and it chokes out its own competition.

Until then its time for a trip to the hardware store. I will buy more gizmo's for the show and see if I can garner support back from my base. With any luck, summer will take its toll on the upstarts and, I'll soon be sporting my "best lawn on the block" badge again.

Will Flee From Bees

“Welcome to the Friday meeting of ‘Afraid of Bee’s Anonymous.’ As always we are meeting in the heavily fortified fortress that is Franks basement. I wanted to start the meeting off by letting you all know we have canceled the picnic, on account of possible sunshine. Additionally I want to apologize for the snack last week. It seems that someone brought honey to serve on the scones. They were new to our group and didn’t know that some of our members were also scared of bee by-products. They have decided not to return. Something about our 'freakish' ways. In other agenda items, Frank said we can’t keep meeting in his basement after May as his mom wants to install a few windows for air. We will have to find a new meeting place that is non-bee friendly. With the business out of the way I would like to welcome our newest member, Peter.”

-clapping-

“Hello my name is Peter and I’ve been afraid of bees for eternity”

Bees. Mean. Evil. Ugly. It’s true I’m deftly afraid of bees. I’m not even sure why. There is just something about them that absolutely terrifies me. As a child I used to get stung quite a lot. I lived for six years at my grandmothers house and she had a pool. We loved the pool and were attracted to in the summer. For some reason so were the bees. I was probably stung a half a dozen times every summer. I will never understand why they liked hanging around the pool because while I could go underwater safely they would die. Regardless it never dissuaded them.

That might be why I decided, then and there, that bees are evil. There are lots of different types of bees. I know that and I don’t care. I’m lumping them all together. Bite or sting it’s all the same to me. They are all heavily armed and have amazing mobility to boot. It's like a mini fighter jet on a shooting spree! Why give a flying bug artillery? That is just asking for trouble. There is something in their little insect brain that says, “I must punish the fleeing humans!” When it comes to bees, I’m not a fighter, I’m a fleer.

Additionally they are ugly. I mean just look at a wasp. They are barely held together, all segmented and sleek. Maybe that’s why they all have such attitudes, some sort of ego boost. “I might be ugly fella, but you're the one running through the house screaming like a ninny and waving your arms while in your underpants! Take that!” -Sting!-

Be it silly or not, I will probably not get over this anytime soon. I suppose if nothing else, I can provide some excitement, and enjoyment for those around me!

Letter To Earl Of Sandwich

Dear Earl of Sandwich-

I pray this correspondence finds you well, I suppose it doesn’t truly matter as you are deceased. I wanted to send this letter earlier so it would reach you but seeing as you died in 1792, I suppose there was little hope of a timely delivery. You might be wondering why, after so many years had past, someone would take the time to write. I wanted to tell you of my undying love for your keen mind and creative intellect! I would like to let you know sir that your triumph lives on. It seems sir, that your invention has a place in eternity.

I wanted to let you know that your invention, the sandwich, holds a special place in my heart. When I was a lad I always took the condiment and meat stacking task to be one that had been done for eons. I was quite surprised to learn in my adolescence of the sandwiches origins. It seems while my colonial forefathers were beginning the task of asserting their rights, you sir were creating snacks that might have made those revolutionary's happy to stay within England's grasp.

The sandwich sounds so simple, bread, meat, cheese, bread. Add some spread, pickles, tomatoes or what ever you fancy and something miraculous happens. The thing is greater than the sum of its parts. It amazes me this hadn’t been stumbled upon sooner. Imagine what culinary delights were missed by previous generations. A nice cold cut of mastodon rump served with honey on a crunchy nut bread. Were it be that you were born years before! Who knows if the time would be right though, or your influence wide enough. Maybe your invention would have just fizzled into obscurity!

I cannot think on a world without the sandwich. Would we know what to do with Thanksgiving leftovers, rough cut roast beef or even the lowly baloney? We owe you quite a bit. Delicatessens, corner sub shops and even a popular comic strip are devoted followers of you sir. I have been told that the invention was due to a lack of restraint on you part. That because you spent long hours at the gambling table and didn’t want to break for supper. You asked to have you meal assembled in a more gambling friendly fashion, and so the sandwich was born. Is this true?

I generally do not approve of gambling, and believe that little good can come from it. Mostly it tortures souls, leaves people wanting and creates an addiction to greed. Additionally it leaves many people penniless, and unhappy. Once I discovered that the sandwiches origins might be at all connected with this vile affliction, I paused. I decided if something as good as the sandwich could come from it, than it couldn’t be all bad. At least all that suffering hasn’t been in vein. I can now get a ham and swiss on rye, so I suppose it all worked out in the end!

So here’s to you, the 4th Earl of Sandwich, thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Sincerely;
Peter Brown

PS. Sorry to be the one to tell you but they renamed the Sandwich islands. I for one thought it was a travesty and think Hawaii is a ghastly name.

Lazy Thursday Blues: Caption 19

It is once again Caption Thursday! I'll provide a picture and you provide the caption.

As always we need to adhere to good taste. Please keep it clean.

Here's one to get you started!:
Jan is laughing, not because it's funny,
but because she just realized that she will die like this.


Stuff I found this week:

USB BBQ You might be able to read Japanese, but I think the pictures are compelling enough. The USB BBQ

Free Batteries.. As long as the sun is shining....

The Jugglers Daughter

The Jugglers Daughter
Is a political science major
She doesn’t understand him
He tries to make her see

This is the life I’ve chosen
It’s all I am, all I know
Juggling is more than reflex
It gives me understanding

Maria...

You and I are quite alike
We both are expert jugglers
I juggle bean packed balls
You juggle peoples lives

Maria. You see,

Life is like a juggling act
The balls, they rise and fall
Fortunes sometimes up
Or prospects at their depths

Each one will reach the crest
You must be willing to deal with change
And grasp what assets come your way
But also be able to just let go

-Peter Brown 2007

The Parade

“I’m here!”

“Great...”

“Did I make it in time?”

“In time for what?”

“The Parade?!”

“Oh...”

“Well?”

“Yea, you made it. Welcome to the parade. ”

“So...when does it start?”

“What?”

“What do you mean what?!”

“I mean, ‘I wish you would stop talking to me,’ but I doubt that you’ll get that subtle hint. The parade is in progress. This is what we do.”

“Where are the bands?”

“There aren’t any. This is all there is. It’s what we have always done.”

“Floats?”

“Nope.”

“Dignitaries?”

“No.”

“Flags? Peanuts?”

“Nope. ”

“Well what about-”

“Look kid, just stop. This is it. The rains come, then we parade. We’ve been doing this for years and we don’t need some kid telling us what's wrong with it. Okay? We like it. We're all happy here, and yes this is it. This is what we do.”

“Oh well then if that's the way you feel..."

"That's the way I feel.."

"Okay. Umm...well at least we have bad weather...”

“That’s right. Count your blessing.”

“So then...is this it?”

“Yep.”

“Seems kinda dull.”

“[shrug] It can get interesting sometimes, you just never know.”

"When?"

"Lets just say that a fella could definitely get hurt at the parade."

"Really? Dull as rocks and a chance at injury, what more could you ask for. Well, I wish I’d stayed home.”

“[shrug] Me too. I didn’t have a choice personally. I had to come. We all had to come!”

“This is just- Whoa! Hey, LOOK OUT!”

~~~

“Yuck!”

“What’s wrong?”

“I just stepped on a worm and smeared him all over my shoes! Almost slipped to my death. Now I have worm guts on my shoes.”

“Ah...”

“Stupid things! This is disgusting! I hate how they’re all over the sidewalks after a rain! I mean just look!

“I know...”

“The pavement is practically swimming in earthworms and earthworm insides! It makes me sick. Why are they out?”

“Well when it rains-”

“It's like a foul invertebrates parade!”

“Yes, I suppose it is.”

“It’s revolting.”

“I'm sorry. It’s just what they do.”

Lazy Thursday Blues: Caption 18

It seems the Caption game is all you want to play. Who am I to argue. I have another fun picture from the archive. Here is a great picture from some older news. Enjoy.

As always we need to adhere to good taste. Please keep it clean.

Here's one to get you started!:
Maybe that's not the best way to put that.


Stuff I found this week:

Light Saber Umbrella - Did it ever rain in Star Wars?

Backyard Snow? You bet!

George Lucas in Love - Thanks to Sons of the Reformation for yet another addiction!