Rat Tails

One night a about two months ago we had a rat in the house. It was a rather large rat. It is no longer with us, but it left a rather large impression on our lives. You see, well...let's start from the beginning.

The wife and I where having trouble sleeping. It was early February and the rains were in full force. While we were trying to drift off to sleep we heard a scratching sound. You know that sort of sound that triggers your brains awake? Similar to the crying child or distant scream. It says, "Snap out of it! I'm important!"

So we both popped out of bed and, looking at each other with wide eyes, followed the sound down the hallway. It was coming from the heater closet. I flipped on the light and opened the door. Nothing there. Wait...ah yes. Droppings. oh crap not what we wanted to see.

That night passed slowly and hazy call of sleep that was once upon didn't return so readily. Eventually morning arrived and while I was at work, Patricia went to the store for some mouse traps. She set them out and we waited for that clapping sound of victory. This feeling that you are the master of your home and the lord of your manor. I imagine this the same feeling any general gets when they've defend their ground and pushed back the enemy.

The next morning we awoke to a sprung trap and no victory. Defeat! We set another trap and waited. While the wife was in the living room with our eldest daughter I was in the office and heard her call.


"What is it."

"A tail! It's huge!!"

Indeed. From under the door by the heater a four inch tail was evident. This was no mouse...this was a rat. Our home was now infested and we were prisoners to a vermin living comfortably off our crumbs. Patricia ran out to the store and bought rat trap...a big one. The really sticky kind. She put it int he closet and within 5 minutes we heard the thrashing of rat.

"Now what?"
"We get it rid of it," I respond

She grabs a pot from the kitchen and walks to the closet.

"I can't do it," She says and hands the pot to me. "Will this do?"

"Yeah that'll do. Don't let Hannah see."

Just so you're clear here.... Patricia got a pan, because she wanted to scoop this giant thrashing rat into and dump it in the trash while still alive. I accepted the pot, becuase I was going to bang it on the head as hard as I could and put it out of it's misery. I've never killed anything larger than a bug before.

So when I raised the pot over my head and came down
"Wham!" "WHAM!"

Patrica was stunned. "What ARE you doing!?!"
"Getting rid of the rat.." I pant out of breath

As we stood there both puzzling over each others puzzling. Hannah, who just figured out what had happened, made her own quiet confession...

"I thought that was one of Cinderellas friends."

The Brown house may never be the same.


Jason Michael Parrish said...

You beast!!!

kludge said...

No doubt!

We now have a running gag in the house, when the wife hands me something she is very clear on it's purpose.

"Will this glass do?"
"Thanks, that will do"
"this is for lemonade dear, not murder..."

Anonymous said...

Now, try to find where/how the rat got in in the first place, that way you won't get labeled as a serial killer! You may have to do some basic rodent proofing which usually only boils down to plugging up holes in the basement, foundation etc. Look for rub marks and remember, rats are great climbers and can crawl through the smallest of cracks/holes (the size of a quarter is usually all they need).

Hope you don't mind this random comment from a past Entomologist/PMP geek.
BTW, I do enjoy your blog, keep up the weirdness!

kludge said...


Thanks for stopping by!

I certainly don't mind free advice. The size of a quarter? That is really disturbing. I can think of a few places like that...

Mr. M said...

Thankfully, I have never dealt with rats and mice ever since I can remember. Apparently, though, back in the day, when I was a wee little lad, we had a few experiences with mice, including a little camp inside out couch. I do believe they eventually got drowned... Is that cruel?

kludge said...

I used to have field mice in our house when I was young. We would catch them and pitch them outside. They were kinda cute.

Rats are not cute, and drowning is fine with me!