Kludge Spot: 2011

Skinny Jeans

When you say:

I see this:

I but mostly this:

Skinny Jeans. I doubt the trend will last past the overindulgence of the holiday. Thank heavens for little blessings!

Children & Light Boxes

What happens when my five year old gets a hold of my light box.

"Daddy can I take some pictures too?"

"uh...What do you want to take pictures of?"

"Princess?"

"Of course." Click

"What else do you have?"

"That, I can work with!"

Kludge Klassic: Hoisting The Jolly Roger

Upon reading the title of todays post, you might be asking yourself one of two questions:
"Why pirates Peter?"
or
"How in the world did I get to this stupid page?"

As for the later, I cannot begin to understand the inner workings of search engine algorithms, let me instead take a stab at the former.

I imagine it's because they live rather short and exciting lives. Out of the reach of the law, pillaging the innocent, robbing those who happen to have more than them, and then spending that loot on their own vein pursuits. What other profession offers these draws, with the possible exception of working at the IRS? The main advantage over working for the federal government of course, is not being required to wear shoes and getting to carry around a blunderbuss.

I always like being able to work the word blunderbuss into a post.

Generally by this time of year, I've purged many of my pirate urges. As the build up of September 19 comes and goes, most things pirate-like go with it. Sadly this year, while everyone was enjoying their pirate levity, I was busy yelling at my department manager. I suppose this hostility could have been the platform for a classic mutiny, but all it did was sink my frigate. So with "Talk Like a Pirate Day" behind me and a Star Wars party closing in front of me, I find that I still have a heap of pirate urges to purge.

Just recently I've been feeling trapped. Like the routine of life has got me down. Work, coffee, sleep, coffee, home, coffee, work. It's a good job and a good home and the coffee really isn't that bad either, but I can't help feeling unhappy. Like I just need to feel the spray of salt water on my face and the looming threat of scurvy at my heels.

There are just times in your life when you want to set yourself leeward to run along side a speeding sloop packed with treasure. There you are, swinging from the jib, heading loft with a scabbard held fast in your sparsely toothed mouth, coming in for the kill. After a hard day of piracy, dividing the booty with your mates and setting sail for the first port to spend your ill gotten gains on wine, women and song.

Sure the law might catch up with you soon and demand you get current with both your personal hygiene and that whole slew of back taxes, but for now you don't care. It's just you and your smelly unwashed shipmates spending someone else's hard earned coins, planning the next big run. For now there are no beards to be shaved, no reports to file, no meetings to attend and nothing is on fire. Well actually there might be, but you lit it yourself, with a torch in one hand and a huge toothless smile on your dirty face.

Coffee Everlasting

Today I was driving down the road when I turned and looked at the person next to me. I do this all the time and I know I'm not alone in this practice. Daily, I'll gaze over and hope for a brief glimpse into their dull life, believing in my heart that it is as pathetic and meaningless as mine. Actually that's not true. I actually wish that theirs is much more pathetic and meaningless than mine.

Anyway. So there we are at a stop light when I glance over at this unassuming tan Volvo station wagon and think, "I have to have a more interesting life than anyone who would own a 1982 Volvo station wagon!" Seriously, how could you buy a car that's shaped like a giant LEGO if you had even a hint of romance or a spark of creativity in your soul. You couldn't. Maybe it was a gift or something.

Just when I was about to feel vastly superior while sitting in my dirty 1997 Nissan XE king cab, something unexpected happened. They raised a Starbucks cup to their lips and took the last sip of coffee. I know it was the last sip because the cup was angled in such a way that if there had been more than a couple of drops of coffee left, they would have been showered in brew and drown in their own latte.

I felt remorse for them. Not only were they stuck in a boring Swedish automobile with the universal symbol for virility emblazoned on their steering but now they're out of freaking latte!

Wait... here comes the cup again. They take another sip. What?! Then another.

At this point the light changes to green and we drive off in different directions but it's okay because I know exactly what happened. This person had succeeded in creating an Einstein-Rosen bridge and not only that but had proved that material could be transfered between them. In addition they had bonded this bridge between a fixed point and a moving vector which was an extraordinary accomplishment. If all that wasn't enough they had also contrived the most brilliant application of this technology.

The everlasting cup of coffee. By initiating the bridge between their coffee cup and then pinning the far end of this wormhole in the bottom of a warming carafe, they could essentially have a hot cup of Joe whenever they wanted. Imagine hot coffee on the fly without the need to keep large thermos in tow. Plus this bridge allowed for the carafe to be whatever size needed. That means they could make enough coffee for a day or even a fortnight. It was absolutely brilliant.

Of course now the inconspicuous Volvo becomes apparent. Obviously this technology was offered to the public but suppressed by the drive through coffee company's who make their living on having, "coffee when you need it." (I put that in quotes in case any drive through coffee company was looking for an awesome new catchphrase). So now they have to use the bridge in secret all disguised by a harmless cup of coffee.

Wow. It's amazing what you can see in the car next to you if you only take the time to really look!

Pen Giveaway Winner

So... I really should have taken a picture of this pen but I never did. I intended to but my state of the art fancy pants light box seen here:

wasn't setup and I was a little tired last night from being in the garage all day making stuff and junk and stuff.

Anyway, so the name drawn from a small pile of 6 is Drew, er Mr. M .... Make that Drake Davenport! I have no idea which Internet pseudonym is currently in vogue with Mr. Drew Drake but I know he will be excited! Like this...

Drake. Your pen looks like this...

Only less blurry and without the mini-blinds or my thumb and forefinger. Seriously, it's nice. I promise. It's walnut and very similar to the one in this post

Shoot me an email with your real name and address and I'll get this out for you this week! Congrats and thanks to all for playing!

Giving Thanks Giveaway

It's time for another Pen Giveaway! Click here for past giveaway results.

I will be giving away another of my cross style pens. As past winners can attest, they are quite nice (shameless self promotion) and make excellent gifts. So enter to win and mark a gift off your Christmas shopping list.

Now for the game...

Tell us what you're thankful for this Holiday season. If that's too much effort or too mushy for you, then give us your best clean "knock knock" joke.

Like Kludge Spot on Facebook and you get a second entry in the drawing. (With a qualifying comment below)

The Game Rules:

1. No vulgarity. I reserve the right to delete any comment. This will remove you from the contest.

2. Wining. I will randomly draw the wining name from a hat on Sunday November 27th of all caption entries. The winner will be contacted Sunday evening via email, and announced Monday November 28th.

3. United States for free shipping. If you live elsewhere and don't mind pitching in the extra cost for international shipping (about $8 I think) I'll totally ship it to you

4. Contact. I need a way to let you know you've won the prize. And I'll need your shipping address to send it to you. So sign up with blogger, or OpenID, or something that I can contact you with. Otherwise I'll move on to another contestant.

5. Have Fun!

Survival

I found myself left to my own devices in the wild lands. Thrown into a survival situation where man is pitted against nature. I did my best to fend off the threats of the untamed boondocks that was my personal jungle.

Like all good survivors I assessed my surrounding and took in all the resources I could gleam from a first glance. Then this old bushman began ticking off my internal list of priorities.

Was I in any danger? Not initially. The natives seems to pay me no heed as they were engrossed in a episode of DuckTales and there was a good 12 minutes of brain numbing programing left to play out. I wondered for a moment if Lauchpad would be able to save McDuck and his nephews from the Beagle Boys and their rather clumsy plan to separate Scrooge from his money. I shook my head loose from the fog. Clearly the atmosphere in this place was affecting my judgment. I needed to keep moving.

Was I thirsty? Not terribly. Though I realized that I should always take the opportunity to hydrate whenever I was able. Crossing the room my bare foot landed squarely on the jutting head and strangely sharp arm of a Princess Aurora figurine that lay on the floor. I stifled my eek of pain. The last thing I wanted to do was to alert the natives and distract them from the attention sucking box. As I reached the wood patterned laminate counter-top my eyes found their prize. I took a sip of watered down apple juice from a Princess Ariel plastic cup. Clearly these natives worship at the Disney cartoon franchise altar. I should remember that if confronted...

Next priority was fire. If I was going to be here for long I would need both the warmth and security that fire offered.

"Daddy! Are you making fire!? Fire! Yes!!"
"I, Uh," Nuts. This might have been a bad idea. I now had the full attention of one of the tribal chieftains from this pink clan of Aborigines.

"Yes, but I want you to stand back while I'm getting it started and have the chain open."
"Okay. I love fire!! Mommy, Daddy's starting a fire!!"

I might have to worry about this one later, but for now the security of fire was already proving true before even before the first spark was seen. I then secured some dry tinder in the form of unwanted mortgage offers and mail order catalogs and proceeded to made fire. Though the lighter fought me valiantly with it's child safety features but man proved himself again and flames soon engulfed the press board firelog.

With thirst and fire off the list I next turned my sizable skill towards acquiring food.

"What's for dinner?"
"It's pretty late dear and we already ate."
"Oh."
"I can make you something..."
"Naw. I got it. Thanks."

I decided to skip on setting traps or snares as there wasn't much wildlife to be had in this region. I set myself into gatherer mode and was able to put enough calories together to replenished those lost while crumpling mortgage ads and flipping though the Lands Ends catalog before tearing it up.

"Oh Peter. I almost forgot. The water heater is broken. I have someone coming tomorrow to fix it."
"What?! Are you kidding me?"
"No joke. Guy said the thermo coupler needs replacing."
"That means I have to take a cold shower! What are we living in a jungle or something..."

Veronica Is A Hard Working Girl

Veronica is a hard working girl and I use her services quite frequently. She's always there for me and at my beck and call. I like her close beside me and hold her very tight. Now there are times with she seems a bit unresponsive but for the most part she suits my needs. I got her for a bargain and she was practically a steal for what she's worth. In truth my wife picked her out and new she was just my type. At 16 GB she holds quite a bit more than my previous flash drive.

Here's Veronica:

And here is her namesake:

Veronica Lodge from the old Archie comics. I have no clue why she popped into my head when the computer asked for a name after I first formatted her. It just did.

"Veronica is all loaded up and good to go!"

"Peter, why did you name your new flash drive Veronica?!"

"Because I'd already named my MP3 player Planchet"

Planchet is the manservant of d'Artagnan in one of the best novels ever written. If you are a boy or man and have not read The Three Musketeers stop everything you are doing this instant. Now, go to the bookstore and get a real book. Paperback or hardcover. One that you can pick up, hold, feel, smell, dog-ear and doesn't require batteries or electricity and read The Three Musketeers right now. After that, feel free to come back here and finish this post. Women, I have no idea what the best book is for you but the wife seems awfully found of Pride and Prejudice.

Anyway there is something cool about plugging in my MP3 player and having Windows declare, "Planchet is ready what now?" It's like having my own servant standing at the ready.

"Load up those files and check to make sure they're all sorted correctly."
"Oui monsieur!"

Planchet has been with me since 2005. We've shared a lot together over the years, as only a man and his servant can. From Frank Sinatra, The Fray, Owl City to my recent obsession with Marty Robbins. In many ways Veronica could never be Planchet but honestly, that's not her job. Her job is digital shopping and believe you me, Veronica loves shopping...

Someday I might have to upgrade. She's got a lot of space, but I'd have no trouble trading her in for a newer model if I ever needed more than 16GB.

Yeah, you're right, men are pigs...

I Plumbered It Real Good

Sunday night. Why in the world would I honestly believe that Sunday night was the best time to begin a plumbing project? I must have been channeling the spirit of my plumbing impaired father for I believed that it would be a simple adjustment and would not cause me half a week of grief and angst.

It was Sunday night the 30th of October. At 10:00 PM was brushing my teeth and getting ready to go to bed. The sink was running and as it had done for a number of years was beginning to pool water up in the basin. None of this was new, unexpected or in the least unusual but for some reason that night it bothered me.

I mentioned it. "Sink is backing up" That's all. Just an idea, a simple thought. A seed. Why should I have to deal with that... Can't it be easily fixed? Should I continue to have it annoy me when I can fix it and not have it cluttering up my life anymore? "No," was the the correct answer but not the one I chose.

The issue was that hair had gathered around the sink drain stopper. You know that little chrome thing with the long plastic part that pops up and drops down? So the solution is simple enough. Pop it out. That's it just pop it out of the sink and remove the gathered wad of hair. Simple enough right?

Wrong-o. BUZZ!! "Nay," says the sink stopper manufactures. "Sorry homeowner, this part is a permanent and required fixture of our sink that cannot be removed without a pipe wrench, a set of child sized hands and the ability to wrap your body into a sink cabinet like a human pretzel." Of course this will not deter the persistent AKA crazy stupid people who only want a sink to work like it was intended free of hair clogs.

They will begin to undo the pipes in an effort to loosen them enough to get at this stopper clamping mechanism barricaded in the rear of the bathroom cabinet behind a strong fortification of iron pipes, copper pipes and uncooperative plastic fittings. This will be a mistake.

At 10:25 I found myself holding various sections of the pipe in my hands with a giant gaping hole in my sink. This hole was displaying a clear view of a wet bathroom cabinet if viewed from above. The stopper was out, the pipe was clear and the wife was in bed wishing with all her heart that this was not happening. The pipe was now the way I wanted it to be, that is free of stopper, and the bathroom sink was now completely unusable.

Why do we do these things to ourselves? Why do we persist when we know that the sacrifices required from the the plumbing gods are much steeper than any gain we could possibly get from antagonizing them? Right, because we are men and we are stupid.

Anyway. Four days later and many hours of toil behind me I now have what I wanted. A sink free of the stopper.

"I got it!"
"Nice. It flows good too...but..."
"But what?"
"You know...uh, things can fall down the drain pretty easy now."
"Oh crap. I hadn't thought of that."

Bruce Banner Costume

One white lab coat embroidered with "Dr. Banner Physicist". A green shirt & purple tie.

+

One set of wire rim glasses

+

Avengers & Shield ID tags

+

High tech Gamma Bomb plans

+

A set of green contacts

=

My Bruce Banner Halloween costume.
"You don't want to see me when I'm angry..."

Shout out to my wife for the idea and this guy for the details

Pizza Pen Prize Winner

Last night after a rousing episode of Mythbusters (The flying guillotine) I had Patricia draw a name out of a sweaty San Francisco Giants hat.

Matt & Robin are victorious. I am happy for them but honestly am I ever going to draw someone that doesn't require shipping charges! :) Thanks to everyone for playing. Keep checking in, as I'm sure I'll do another!

Matt & Robin email me your address and I'll get this thing out to the Equal Rights State...

For the record the sausage content of the pizza was 19%. It is visible in the picture as Missy noticed when she actually clicked on it!

Fun Facbook Games

There is a Giveaway going on right now. Enter before Oct 30th for your chance to win a handmade wooden pen!

Now that the announcement is out of the way...

I was bored. As a result I went on Facebook and as a result I came up with a great new idea.

Fun Facebook Games

#1:

Post "Happy Birthday" on someones wall when it isn't their birthday. See how many of their friends follow suit...

#2

Make up a new awareness day and post it to your status...

"The Monarch Butterfly used to number in the hundred billion, now less than 10 thousand a year are charted throughout the Americas. Today is Monarch Butterfly Awareness day. Show your support with a Monarch Butterfly Profile Picture"

#3

Give yourself an benign illness and soak up attention

"Doc says I've got a herniated uvula, and as such can't eat monkfish, chilli powder or pizza dough. Plus it seems that this is also a cause for my explosive diarrhea. Apparently the uvula does more than I ever imagined. Anyway looks like I'm stuck in my house for the next 2 weeks here enjoying Atkins pizzas..."

Why not? It's just Facebook. Have a little fun...

Pizza Pen Giveaway

It's time for another Pen Giveaway! Click here for past giveaway results.

Here is the item in question. A Maple/Yellowheart pen. This is a cross style pen finished with a mirror shine.

Now for the game...

This is the cover from a Chicago Deep Dish Pizza that I recently consumed with friends. What percentage of this pizza is sausage? Or tell me why you would rather I'd send you a Lou Malnatis deep dish pizza than a lousy pen...

Like Kludge Spot on Facebook and you get a second entry in the drawing. (With a qualifying comment below)

The Game Rules:

1. No vulgarity. I reserve the right to delete any comment. This will remove you from the contest.

2. Wining. I will randomly draw the wining name from a hat on Sunday October 30th of all caption entries. The winner will be contacted Sunday evening via email, and announced Monday October 31st on Halloween.

3. United States for free shipping. If you live elsewhere and don't mind pitching in the extra cost for international shipping {about $8 I think} I'll totally ship it to you)

5. Have Fun!

Immersed In Politics

As of late I have been immersed in politics. Don't worry gentle readers, this is not a political thread. Well, I suppose strictly speaking it is but not like that. I'm not here to persuade anyone to my side or convince you of the correctness of my political vision. That simply isn't furthering my cause of "keeping the Internet weird"

I don't have television in my house. That is, I do not subscribe to cable or have an antenna on my tube. As such I don't watch much news. A couple weeks ago I was at training and holed up in a hotel with one sink and two 42 inch flat screens. Unless I wanted to catch up on A Baby Story or overgrown boys making motorcycles news was my only recourse.

I watched a lot of news... Which candidate said which thing on which day. Pictures of the President eating hamburgers.

"Will this be served in the upcoming visit? Back to you John!"
"Laura, are hamburgers kosher or will this be viewed as a slap in the face to the head of Israel"
"John, even though there is the word 'ham' in the name, hamburger actually contains zero pig or pig byproduct. So yes it can be kosher."
"Well, that is welcome news..."

Wrinkled Congressmen with starched shirts, bright ties and new legislation to make my life better.

"Congressman, how will this new Puppy Love Law fair in the Senate?"
"Well Jim, I think all puppies deserve love. This new bill just makes it more concrete. I think the Senate will support stricter fines for not loving puppies..."

Since then I've spent many hours with my head mired in the political system. There's a reason people say not to talk politics on first dates...

It can be boring to those who aren't interested. I can see my wifes eyes glassing over when I start in. The US political system is muddled with the cry from many voices, opinions, solutions, experts, editorials, conclusions, forecasts, stances, legislation, promises and peoples impressions.

"Jane, you look lovely."
"Thank you Bill. Oh flowers!!"
"So are you ready for our first date?"
"Since you didn't tell me what we were doing I wasn't sure what to dress for..."
"Well at first I though we could go see that new movie, I loved you when you were just a lowly pig farmer"
"That looks sooo romantic!"
"Then I thought, what about the opera. What says first date better that 'fat signing men dressed as weeping clowns?'"
"Not much!!"
"But then I got it!"
"Yes?!"
"I've got two tickets to the presidential debate. We can grab some taco bell on the way and then we can sit and watch rich old men dodge important questions and then argue over who was best and whether or not they like cigars or had illegal alien workers. After we can drive around town and argue about our political ideology for an hour or until we're both furious that I drop you at a park with no money to get home..."

Politics. It's kinda like that...

When IMAXed My Eardums Lost

It was a stunning theater with seating for 600+ or so in the heart of Santa Clara near my Sunnyvale hotel room. I was down in San Jose last week for wireless training and during the evenings needed something other than Penn & Teller on Discovery channel to keep myself entertained. I had watched Rise of the Planet of the Apes the night before and was bitten by the movie bug. Since the local 20-plex had and IMAX theater I figured I would be remiss to go and not see a movie projected 72ft wide by 53ft high. I was right to go, but that viewing came at a cost!

They were re-showing a number of films in the IMAX theater that had long since been available on DVD. I presume this was because there were no current run movies in the IMAX format. As such when I went they had Star Trek (JJ Abrams) which was my first pick and Inception. Due to scheduling issues and the fact that I couldn't skip wireless class to see a movie, Inception was my choice.

What more is there to say about Inception that I've not already commented on? It was awesome! But lets rewind...

I sat down at T-10 miniutes to showtime. At that moment I was the ONLY soul in the theater. I took a picture to show the sheer scope of an empty house with that many seats.

I think we can all agree that is impressive. Here's another one...

As you can clearly see, no people are visible in either picture. Sigh... so much for the use of a camera phone with no flash.

Regardless, this brings me to my next point. IMAX sound is not calibrated to a room without people inside it. Sounds waves travel through matter and on doing so attenuate to a certain degree. Thus it is more difficult to hear someone speaking in a hall full of people than if that same hall was empty. Even if no other sounds were conflicting with the speaker, just the shear volume of matter in our bodies would absorb a large portion of the sound. In order to overcome that rooms have their sounds systems calibrated to room with more people in it rather than less.

An IMAX theater that can have 600 people in it is no different. So you will not be surprised when I tell you that I had absolutely zero trouble hearing the movie. In fact it was ringing in my ears for the remainder of the night and some of the next day.

Even with that I will contend, as any concert goer will tell you, that my loss of hearing was a small price to pay for the amazing spectacle of that performance. I almost wet my trousers when the freight train came barreling through the first layer of the dreamscape and gun fire came crescendoing up from the corners of the room.

And a near whetted set of trousers is good enough to tell anyone just how much entertainment was pounded into me on that Thursday evening, all alone in my IMAX experience.

Jobs 1955 - 2011

And the man who always could pick a winner has passed.

Technology might not ever be the same.

Bad Lip Reading Clip

I love this. It's NOT political. Just for giggles...

Sandy Pen Giveaway!

The Giveaway is complete. Thanks to everyone for playing!

Last night sucked, and I didn't get to drawing names. This morning I added all the names (two entries for those liking Kludge Spot on FB) to my office coffee mug.

Clearly the winner was KAS Congrats! I'll be sending you out this mesquite pen. Simply shoot me an email (link on bottom right of the main blog page) and I'll get your shipping address.

Thanks to everyone for playing! And don't worry, I'll do another one of these in October or so. It enjoy them!

Sandy Wednesday Giveaway

It's time for another pen Giveaway! Click here for past giveaway results.

Here is the item in question. A mesquite hardwood pen. This is a cross style pen finished with a mirror shine.

Now for the game...

I drew this picture in the sand a few days back while at the beach. My youngest daughter laughed openly at my artistry and assured me it looked nothing like what I had planned. All you have to do, is post a comment below of what you see. Or if that's too much pressure, just tell me what your last meal consisted of. Whatever (Even wives of employees can enter...)

Like Kludge Spot on Facebook and you get a second entry in the drawing. (With a qualifying comment below)

The Game Rules:

1. No vulgarity. I reserve the right to delete any comment. This will remove you from the contest.

2. Wining. I will randomly draw the wining name from a hat on Sunday September 25th of all caption entries. The winner will be contacted Sunday evening via email, and announced Monday September 26th.

3. United States for free shipping. If you live elsewhere and don't mind pitching in the extra cost for international shipping {about $8 I think} I'll totally ship it to you)

5. Have Fun!

More Death Less Caffeine: Revisted

What the hell? First my sendmail box is axed and now my coffee maker kicks the bucket? I mean sure we can manage with a Windows box taking over for smtp functions. We've all adjusted to meaningless event log entries, stupid glurge icons and pointless clicking through Microsoft menus, but my coffee pot? How much pain can one man endure!

My wife wakes me up the other morning.

"Hon, the coffee pot won't turn on."
"What?"
"Nevermind. It's fine."
"That's not funny!"
"Well it wasn't working but now it- no. wait."
"Patricia?"
"No. It's off again."
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!"
"Peter? Are you sobbing over a coffee maker?"

In many ways that coffee maker has shown me more love than most things in my life. It was always there for me. Always cheerful and completely dedicated. No whining, complaining or fiddling. You add some water, grounds and flip a switch. Minutes later, you get coffee. Hello! Here's for a little constancy in the life of a working man!

"It's 8:00 in the morning. I need coffee."
"Beep"
"It's 2:30 in the afternoon. I need coffee."
"Beep"
"It's 1:15 in the morning. I need coffee."
"Beep"
"I love you."
"Peter are you hugging the coffee pot?"
"What?! Oh- Hey hon."
"When was the last time you showed me that much appreciation?"
"Maybe if you had a 12 cup carafe, charcoal filter and delayed brew feature..."

Anyway, for the last 7 years or so my coffee maker has been dedicated to my happiness. So I thought a memorial was in order.

"Where's the coffee maker?"
"I threw it out. It was broken"
"Oh. I was going to say a few words."
"Oh, give me a break Peter..."

Trouble

Running just means you get more crap on your back...

A Gentleman in Traffic

This morning on the way into the office I was wearing an old flannel shirt sporting no less than three holes in it. (For the record I'm still wearing it and have not decided to go all 'office nudist.' I'm sure my coworkers appreciate that.) In addition to my old shirt I didn't shave this morning and as such am a bit grizzly looking. (In that overweight baby faced geeky sort of grizzly look. You don't see many of these in nature as they spend most of their time in trees avoiding the other more macho grizzlies.) So this morning while I rounded the penultimate corner to my office I passed someone who stood out to me. A gentleman in traffic.

In contrasts to my attire and grooming this man looked like my polar opposite. He was a late-middle aged white haired man. He sat up straight with perfect posture behind the wheel of his Bavarian made coupe. He had a finely trimmed white beard that appeared to give even more credence to his motivated face. He wore a pair of wire rim glasses and had both hands on his rosewood steering wheel.

I only saw for an instant but it was enough to give me an impression. Immediately I thought, "It's Sigmund Freud!" Wait, that's ridiculous! After I got hold of my senses. I re-approached the situation with a more rational mindset.

I reasoned that he must obviously be a undercover government operative. Either that or a doctor. Seeing as no doctors would ever be up that early in the morning, he must be with the CIA. So what would a CIA handler be doing heading east from the poultry packing facility? Is the foul stench of foul and the endless parade of paper gown clad migrant workers simply a front for a government prject?

That's when it hit me... Bigfoots. We all know that sasquatch are real and obviously used for border enforcement by the government. Why else would the Canadian border have such a low rate of crossing while the Mexican border leaked like a sieve? Obviously sasquatch are keeping it clear from lawless Canadian illegals, but at what cost? Chickens.

The chickens are used so that the beasties can stay hidden without the need to raid local AM/PM's or vacationers picnic baskets for sustenance. The less sightings of these creatures raises the fear the Canadian illegals will have when they meet face to furry belly button with the towering border guards. If there were pictures on the news and interviews with bigfoots on Larry King the CIA would lose the inherent usefulness of their army. So the CIA are shipping truckloads of chickens up to Montana, Minnesota, Maine, New York and North Dakota to feed theses border beasts. You'll notice that no sasquatch are patrolling Ohio or Michigan. Not even Canadians are that desperate.

So just know that good work is being done, here in my small town by clean, well groomed gentlemen and their loyal army of bigfoots in the ever growing war against rouge Canadian illegals. Either that or Sigmund Freud has been reborn...

Uselessness

As a point of clarification, I believe that more people read this blog on OS X than any other OS. Is that irony or just coincidence? Either way, kinda funny...

20 Signs You're A Lame Superhero

One of your best powers is turning into a bucket of water.

You're the female version of a real superhero. She-Thing? Seriously?

You have an invisible jet plane given to you by the Amazons.

You can speak with insects.

You can speak with dolphins.

You're half vampire.

The X-Men couldn't even find a good use for you.

You battle eco-villans and worldwide industrialism.

Your superhero name, chosen to strike fear into the enemy, includes the word boy.

You've got wings. Yeah, with feathers.

Your superpower involves a gun. Come on...

You let your worst enemy's off with just a warning, so they can kill again.

You acquired your powers in the Himalayans.

You acquired your powers from toxic waste.

You have the same powers as a squirrel.

You're big and ugly like the Hulk, but go by the name, Joe Fix-it

You use a bumble bee as a weapon.

You're the 'speedy' sidekick to a superhero that most people have never heard of.

You're an unstoppable orphan alien from a dead planet. You have a messiah complex but a subservient attitude to an over-aggressive female writer with a penchant for finding herself in trouble.

Oh, and you wear your underpants on the outside...

Hammer Time

You will not find this procedure in the manual for the $10,000 Quantum Superloader that up until recently resided in one of the racks of our server room. That doesn't mean it is not an effective means of extraction when the bolt has been stripped and your hand will not fit into the space to grip it. Plus hammers bring with them their own credence and understanding.

A hammer rarely says, "I'm here to negotiate a truce." Even technology can understand that sort of persuasion.

The Quantum Superloader, put up very little fight...