E-mail Levity

As a network administrator I find myself sending out lots of e-mails to all staff.

Network outages, software updates, warning messages and other tedious stuff like that. Generally these are vastly boring messages. There is only one thing worse than receiving boring all staff email that you just delete. Spending 15 minutes typing up boring all staff e-mails that just get deleted. So... I've decided to try something new.

Sending out funny messages. Surprisingly enough no upper management has rebuked me yet, and the responses to my messages have increased ten fold. So until I hear otherwise, I'll keep it up. I've added a few for your review.

When the corporate water cooler runs low, we are required to contact a certified water bottle changer for our building. They get very testy if someone other than one of these "bottle changers" preforms this task. I think its absurd but figured, if I can't change it at least I can poke some fun!
I'm doing my duty and notifying the proper authorities. The water bottle needs changing. We need you "Water bottle changers!" Dawn your spandex pants and save us all! :) I'd change it myself, but I don't want to get arraigned.

One of my many duties is anti-virus admin. Recently the network underwent a large scale upgrade. Users get nervous when you start making changes.
We in the IT department have a firm belief that, "The only good computer virus is a dead computer virus." (Sadly we do not currently have a policy on originality for our slogans) In an effort to continue our policy of "taking the fight to the viruses" we are upgrading our anti-virus software.

You may or may not notice as your yellow anti-virus shield gets a shiny new upgrade, or an additional orange icon in your system tray (down by the clock). If you do, know that it is just the IT department further striving for your computing well being. You don't have to thank us, killing viruses is thanks enough!

Failed installs. Mostly because of user intervention...
Congratulations! You've all made the list!
What list is that?! The out-of-date-antivirus list. That's right, you're all the network deadbeats. Through no fault of your own, you've missed the boat, and you're draggin the rest of us down.

"Peter, How can I get back in the good graces of the network?" Simple. Please follow this link on the machine listed below. Thanks! Please call me if you have any questions.
We distribute most Windows updates via a WSUS. Quite clumsy really, but its all we have. 80% updated with an hour of receiving this e-mail.
All Staff-
This is just a reminder to Windows XP users. If you see an icon on your screen, like the one in the attached picture, please click on it and complete the Windows XP SP3 update.

Is it lengthy?- Yes!
Is it slow?- Sometimes!
Will it make me reboot my PC?- Yep!
Do I personally benefit from it?- Well...no. Not really!
Is it necessary to ensure my computer is update and works well with newer software?- ABSOLUTELY!
If you have any question feel free to call the helpdesk or email me directly.

Peter Brown
Email to a problem child who just happens to be a manager.
Chris AKA anti-virus-H4k0rZ-

This is the third time you've hit my "Symantec Engine Off" report. There is only ever one user on this exclusive list. I have 're-enabled' your A\V twice before, and now I don't seem to have the rights to re-enable the service on your computer.

Please try to play nice, we all need virus protection, even dope Symantec hackmiesters. Will you please re-enable A/V or I'm going to willingly infect your PC with some nasty trojan.

-Peter Brown
The network god

Let me know what you think, or share some of your own!


Boston Love said...

Love it - Especially the deadbeats that don't update their anti spyware which taks all of about 30 seconds to do a couple times a week!

Anonymous said...

Its good to find joy in the workplace. Especially at the expense of others. And as the senior certified water bottle changer for my building, I have to say that your management is correct. It takes a very special set of skills to change a water bottle correctly and safely. Things like vision and basic motor skills. Oh, and we stopped wearing the spandex uniforms years ago.

Tony said...

Wait, what? You guys make your users apply updates themselves? But... but... that way lay madness! Also, unupdated computers. (Firefox claims "unupdated" isn't a word. Is too!)

As for e-mails, sorry. I've written a few fairly fire-and-brimstone ones, but after typing them through, thus far have decided not to risk my job security by clicking "Send". :P Witty ones, not so much. Mostly I've struggled as much as possible to keep the entire message as one short, simple sentence, as it seems nobody ever reads anything longer than that. These days I send much less mass e-mails than I used to... Doesn't seem worth the effort, really. :/

kludge said...


"Wait, what? You guys make your users apply updates themselves? "

NO WAY! I agree, that would be madness.

Some updates, pushed out via the WSUS require users to click on them to run. Mostly we bundle them in MSI's and shove them out... but XP SP3 we didn't. (not that important to us)

As for the A/V, there were about 12 straggler PC's that had hiccups with the automatic process.