Of Friendships and Heaters

Rufus and Jerry were at war, there was no simple way to say it. Rufus wanted to triumph over Jerry, dance a jig of joy on his losing carcass and then parade it through the streets of town, loudly proclaiming his victory. Jerry might have felt similar, but he wasn't going to let such emotion show through. Rufus was going to beat Jerry in might and Jerry would best Rufus in mind, but neither was going to lose. With so much at stake that much was certain.

Rufus and Jerry were friends. Long time friends. Friends that drank Kool-Aid together and sang songs about cattle rustlers on the open range. The kind of friends that would sell a brand new water heater to the other for only fifty bucks. If they only knew, that water heaters sold at such a bargain often feel indignant. "I'm worth more than three hundred bucks. How insulting!"

As such this water heater made a decision. Work like a 50 dollar water heater. Once a water heater sets its mind to something there is little to be done. Any competent repairman will tell you that. They tend to very hot headed and stubborn, oddly enough. And so a conflict between the two friends was born.

Rufus was scalded several times while showering, hot water sprayed out from faucets in spurts and generally he began to feel that Jerry and he were not going to be sharing anymore Kool-Aid together. In fact, he began to get very hostile with Jerry. Demanding his fifty buck back, so that he could stock up on bandages and burn treatments from the local drug store.

Jerry, of course, took offense to this. I mean, he paid four hundred dollars for this heater and sold it to Rufus at a great bargain. So the insults flew.

"Thief! You sold me a broken water heater! It's totally unsealable!"

"Oaf! You broke a perfectly good water heater. What do I want with it now?!"

"Moron! You always make the Kool-Aid too sweet!"

"Idiot! Kool-Aid is suppose to be sweet!"

As these things go, so too this one went. Until one day they squared off and decided to settle it like men. In a Kool-Aid drinking contest. The first one to go to the restroom, had to pony up to their side of the bargain. Either Rufus would eat the fifty bucks and hate Jerry forever, or Jerry had to pay it back and hate Rufus forever.

After twelve cups a pieces, there was little chance of turning back. And so it went for two and a half hours in this crazed Kool-Aid showdown. Filling up their large metal steins. Chug. Chug. Chug. Of course it didn't end pretty. After nearly four hours of this madness both men fell into a severe sugar coma. Neither man awoke.

They were buried side by side with tongues and lips showing bright pink stains. The water heater was discarded in a neighbors back yard, along with their mugs. Years later when these artifacts where unearthed, someone was bound to ask. "What madness could this be about."

It's nothing really, just a sad story of friendships and heaters.