20 Things I Learned From Swimming

If there's a diving board, some man will try something both death-defying and completely idiotic.

If you look around and don't see any other man doing these things, then the responsibility falls on you.

Diving boards, while they might be fine for diving, should be used primarily for cannonballs or belly flops.

If you can do more than one belly flop in a week, then you're not doing it correctly.

A good cannonball is defined solely by the number of people it disturbs.

Splash is everything.

No one looks good in a Speedo. No one.

Just because you're having fun doesn't mean everyone else is.

Women don't think it's funny if you grab their legs and pull them underwater.

You are an absolute idiot for ever thinking otherwise.

Even if no one admits it, someone might have peed in the pool.

Pool water is not for drinking.

Even if someone dares you to.

After swallowing 3 gallons of pool water, you might want to wait a few minutes before your belly flop attempt.

You have to open your eyes underwater. It's a rule.

You might feel a slight tingling sensation with your eyes open underwater. It's okay, it's just the pool chemicals eating away at your eyeballs.

Goggles are for babies and Olympic swimmers.

No, you are not an Olympic swimmer.

Relax and enjoy yourself!