Last Will & Testament

“I thought I’d find you on the balcony. What’s that you’ve got?”

“My will.”

“Your what?”

“It’s my last will and testament. I’ve just come back from my lawyer’s office. I’ve had it all typed up, notarized and formalized. I’m all set to die.”

“Excuse me?”

“Oh…. I thought you knew. I’m dying Bill.”

“John. You are not dying. The doctor said he had to run some tests and there was a very slim chance that there was anything wrong with you.”

“Bill, I don’t want you to be sad when I’m gone. I’m leaving you my stereo system…”

“What you really need to do is stop reading that book of fatal diseases. You turn white as a ghost every time you open it. You’re always thinking you have some terminal affliction. I told you everyone’s hands shake after three cups of espresso, it doesn’t mean you’ve got tremors. It means you need to lay off the caffeine!”

“…and my extensive record collection.”

“Additionally I you should cancel your subscriptions to those medical journals. That stuff will turn anyone into a hypochondriac. I think you secretly like believing you’ve got every new sickness they discover in Botswana.”

“I’m also leaving you my dog.”

“John please, just stop for a minute. Listen, I don’t want Butler. I have three cats and I live in a two bedroom apartment. The last thing I need is a great dane. Could you imagine?”

“That’s why I also willed you my house.”


“I want you to have my house at Drewsdale. I’ve also left you all the original artwork and furnishing.”

“What about Sally?”

“She left me this morning. Said she couldn’t be with a man who had the Bubonic Plague.”

“You told her you had the plague? The Black Death?”

“I do have all the symptoms.”

“But why did you leave me your house? What about your family.”

“Bill, you’ve always been there for me, a true friend through thick and thin. I mean you’re always willing to drive me to the emergency room, perform Heimlich maneuvers, check me for a pulse and cross reference symptoms from the medical files. Besides, no one from my family will return my calls and a person as sick as I am doesn’t have time to address letters and lick stamps.”

“I…Well, I honestly don’t know what to say. I mean we're friends John and that’s what friends are for right? Wow, Drewsdale manor. It’s one of the nicest places I’ve even seen.”

“You deserve it Bill and I will have little use for it when I’m dead.”

“My apartment is rather cramped you know. I mean it’s just hard for me to afford much more, finishing up with my degree and all. I don’t have the money for much more.”

“Bill, I want you to know— is that the phone? That must be the doctor, I’ll be right back.”

“Drewsdale isn’t a home it’s a mansion. I can hardly believe this is happening, it’s almost unreal. I mean Drewsdale!”

“Bill!! That was Doc Gibson. The test came back.”

“So…how much time have you got left?”

“I’m fine! Can you believe it! I’m going to live!”


“Turns out I don’t have anything wrong with me, beside an overactive imagination. Just like you said! Isn’t that great.”

“That’s…great…I’m so glad.”

“What’s wrong Bill?”

“Oh, me? Nothing. I’m fine. Say John, did you say the will was all finalized?”

“Yes, why?”


“Doc Gibson? This is Bill, um…Bill Gavin. Yes well, it’s about John…John Appleton. I’m not sure how to put this. Well it’s just he was rather excited when you called and came running out onto the balcony to tell me when he sort of lost his footing…”


Lilith said...

Hm, friendship, what a great invention.
This one seems quite like Roald Dahl's tales don't you think?

Aunt Missy said...

You are one twisted fella!! Didn't see it coming, should have, but I am a little slow. Had my first root canal done last night, I thought for sure I had a big old abscess in the tooth and they were going to have to jank it and I would need dentures, never chew and somehow die from the complication, Yes, I am a right there believing the worst!

kludge said...

Missy -

Thanks, you might be surprised to know that your niece was the twisted one who suggested I bump him off...but I did like it.

Sorry about your mouth, I totally understand about painful dental work. There is something about the dentist that always makes be believe in the worst case scenario.

Enjoy some Jello....

kludge said...

Lilith -

No doubt. This should be a lesson to us all, don't over give.

I love Roald Dahl's, yes he has a way of making bad things look one part sick, one part funny.

Aunt Missy said...

If she suggested it, then it just proves you two are meant to be together. Tell her I am proud of her twistedness.

jenylu said...

I doubt my will would have the same effect on anyone. :) Somehow I don't think my sister will be knocking me off to get the three kids, but then again, maybe she'd do it for the pets!

SJ said...

Me either Jenylu - however, when I was in Missouri,we had insurance for working in school and if someone were to harm us at school (remember I taught in public school) and I had to name a beneficiary - for a great sum of money - - - -and I had to choose wisely - someone who wouldn't want that money - ha ha ha ha!