For Security's Sake

Rarely have I come up against an enemy so crafty. I find that there is little for me to do but fret. I have tried all conventional means on this foe. Reason is lost on the uncaring, and shouting to the deaf is without merit. In all honesty the only thing it understands is force. Sheer unadulterated violence is the only way to get your point across to the ever present ever stubborn plastic wrapper.

There are few pleasures in life as fun as unwrapping something. It feels good to know that you're the first person who gets to touch whatever it is that has been sealed. Like a mini birthday party every time you decided to make a ham sandwich or open a roll of paper towels. For the most part this is easy enough and the plastic falls to the floor and you get whatever it is your hoping for. “Just what I always wanted, breath mints!” Some manufactures haven’t quite reach the subtle equilibrium between safety and convenience.

The media wrapping companies are born of fire, and want only for your discomfort and animosity. I must say they are successful. There are few objects on earth that can boil up in me the rage that a minuscule piece of plastic wrapping can. I pour out all my hate bitterness and judgment onto it’s thin cellophane surface to no avail. The DVD only laughs. “You bought me friend, but you can’t play me till you get my teeny tiny wrapper off. Are you even trying?”

Once you decide to go for broke and rip it off with your teeth, the wrapper has already won. It knows at this point you have lost your cool. You have gone from a cheerful happy person with new movie to watch, to caged animal foaming and frothing at the mouth. As you stand there in the presence of your friends and family with slobbery DVD case in one hand, plastic wrapper hanging from your mouth. You smile casually while huffing and puffing with a desperate air of trying to regain your composure.

You go for your prize, the new DVD with deleted scenes, director commentary, blooper reel and introspective on set back story, only to find another obstacle. Three super sticky plastic ‘security seal’ labels covering the edges. The White House doesn’t even have this much security! You almost expect an armed trooper to parachute in and challenge you to hand to hand combat for the privilege of watching the movie that you’re not even sure exists within this labyrinth of traps!

Once you are finally able to watch your movie your memory begins to fade. This is a failsafe mechanism for your brain. Like a safety valve on a propane container. It wasn’t that bad, you think. It’s not the end of the world, and really they do need to keep the media safe. I mean you wouldn’t want them to be easily stolen. Hey maybe tomorrow you could go out and buy that new album you’ve been thinking about.

6 comments:

J Crew said...

Those security seals get me every time.

kludge said...

J Crew-

Have you seen the new cases with the plastic tabs on the side... Those people are crazy! How many latches seals, and wrappers do we need for one DVD!

J Crew said...

Apparently, we need several hundred. It's almost as if they want us to not watch the DVD or break it so we will have to buy a new one

jenylu said...

Cellophane wrappers are bad, but the hard molded plastic packaging is the worst!

kludge said...

Jenylu- I totally agree! I think in the marketing departments they have conversations about how annoying they can make it.

"No they should be able to SEE it clearly, but never be able to reach it!"

"YES! And we can pretend it's for their safety!"

"I love this job."

jenylu said...

Kludge,
You are too funny! :-)