20 Things I Learned From Life
Plastic Cutlery
I have nothing to type, but the same old tripe
I have seen nothing new, but I'll do as I do
And pump out more lines and waste all my time
Doing this thing that I can't seem to shake!
Sometimes I just sit at my keyboard and wonder, "Why blog?" The only answer I have is, "Because Peter, if you don't, this stuff will stay in your head. While there it will begin to crowd out the more important stuff like, 'how to wear trousers' and 'that one should never poke policemen with cutlery'. This knowledge is important, and you don't want it pushed aside by the inconsequential garbage used to fill up blog posts."
Or there you are one day, walking around town with just your underpants jabbing away at some cop with a plastic knife and then what do you have? That's right, and fractured skull and grounds for a giant lawsuit. So...
...hmmm. Anyone know where I can get some plastic cutlery and a really cushy hat?
The Kamikaze Fly
He comes! He's here!
The kamikaze fly
Right in your face
Retreat! Beware!
Invading your space
Odds against him
You're Big! He's Small!
Risking life and limb
Dive bombing nut
At full throttle!
Right into my gut
Spinning and thrashing
Swiping! Chasing!
With arms a lashing
Yet on he dives
Retreat! Retreat!
If only to survive
Peter Brown 2008
Tug Of War
"What is this?""It's a hardware store. Just look around!"
"I see unwashed men in baseball caps. What are we doing here?"
"We're looking at tools! Just take a gander at this beauty!"
"LOOKING AT TOOLS! What in the world! We don't belong here!"
"Why not!?"
"Because we should be at home, playing a skirmish in Supreme Commander. Every second in this place deadens us and steals our edge. How are we going to take on two adaptive AI's by standing in this lumberjacks den?"
"Wait a minute, I want to have a peek at the router bits."
"Router bits?"
"Yeah."
"Okay, both of those words are in my vocabulary... but for some reason I'm not following you."
"A router is a device-"
"-that serves a gateway between two networks. I know. I'm the geek, remember?"
"Yes. But this kind of router shapes edges and removes material based on various cutters or 'bits'."
"Bits are knives? Wait...you want something to cut at wood? Is this a parallel dimension? What is this all about? Do I have to explain how hard it is to type with splinters and a freaking callous graveyard all over your fingertips? What could you possibly know about cutting at wood with knives. Even saying that sounds ridiculous."
"Bits. Well I've only just started, but I have to admit, it's kinda fun."
"Fun!?"
"Yes"
"Fun is hacking a home grown script or installing a new computer network from scratch. Fun is not cutting at wood with a shaper thingy.""
"I disagree. I've really been enjoying it."
"Is that why you've been in the garage instead of the office?"
"Right. I've been working with wood. Because it's 'fun.'"
"Cutting at wood like a beaver isn't fun! Fun is spending thirty hours in an immersive world, rendered at a blazing 10.8 billion pixels per second on a rocking video card in a system with dual quad core processors over clocked to 50% their normal specs and regulated with a liquid cooled processor mod."
"Whoa! That's quite a system. I can't afford that!"
"Not if you spend all your money on plaid t-shirts and chewing tobacco!! Should I start calling you Jeb?"
"It's just a new hobby, and right now I sort of like it. I'm not saying I'm ditching my video games. I'm just saying I like spending a few hours a week in the garage."
"WITH THE SAWDUST!"
"Yes."
"You have a dust allergy!"
"It's getting better."
"Are thinking about getting tan, because if that's the case I'm never talking to you again! I mean it buddy we're done!"
"Well... I'm not avoiding the sun..."
"Baseball caps?"
"I haven't gone nuts!"
"Well, at least there's hope."
"I tell you what. I'll build you a shelf to hold all your software. That way its all organized."
"With your hands!?"
"Yeah."
"What if you cut one of them. I need all your fingers. You understand that? Nod your head. Don't look at me like that!"
"Come on."
"Promise me! Have you ever tried to wire cables with 3 fingers. It wouldn't be pretty! Those fingers are still your livelihood, 'woodchuck'."
"I'll be careful. I promise."
"Sigh... I hope this is just another one of your stupid phases..."
Confessions Of Buffalo Winger
"Hello, my name is Peter and I'm addicted to buffalo wings."Group :"Hello Peter"
"It's been five days since my last buffalo wing-"
Clapping
"-and while I feel good about that, I believe it just gives me an excuse to have them again shortly."
There is just no getting around it. I'm addicted to buffalo wings. It all started a young age, my father found this place on the drive home from work one day. The buffalo wing shop place. He brought them home one Friday night, and the whole family was instantly hooked. That was about sixteen years ago. I've been eating them every since.
What is it about chicken wings, with next to no meat, doused in hot sauce that is even remotely appealing? I mean, it's like the least worthy part of the animal. The wings. Next to the feet, is there a less appetizing cut of poultry? It's basically a spicy chicken bone leftover. Even now, just typing this out, I find myself salivating.
I'm like some rabid animal driven mad with desire and I'm not even sure why. Strike that. I know exactly why. It's the sauce. It's obviously laced with heroin. That can be the only explanation for why it is both so addicting and enjoyable. That's it. I'm a buffalo druggie. The worst part is I don't have any remorse. Sure I hurt the ones I love with constant trips to the wings shop, upset stomachs and the continual odor of hot sauce, but I don't care. I just need them!
There are days I can go without thinking about them, or thinking I would give them up but those days are far and few between. Mostly I'm just muscling my way to the front of the line to get the wings! MUST HAVE WINGY! Even if you don't go for buffalo wings, you can get behind the sides. Celery, blue cheese (or ranch) dressing, and buffalo chips. Not those kind! These are deep fried thick potato slices. UMM....
There is nothing even remotely healthy about this meal. It is a total heart stopper. Yet another sign of a serious addition. Welcoming death and paying out a premium in gas and cash to assure that you arrive at your great reward ahead of all your family and friends. Should I stop the indulgence? Yes, but I'd rather cut off a few years at the end of my life, then live in a world without them.
This isn't a plea for help or a petition for your intervention. I'm not looking for your help or your pity. I know what I am and I gladly embrace it! So don't worry about me, I will continue down this path that I have forged.
This post is just confession of proud and very happy buffalo winger.
Paper Clips
Ah yes, the vast and mostly unexplored world of paper clips. "Paper clips? What in the world is he launching into now? How can he possibly write a post about a piece of spring steel."
Yet you read on. Out of sick expectation, morbid curiosity or more likely just the sheer boredom of a slow Tuesday at work. Possibly your computer has crashed and you cannot close the page. Whatever your excuse, you're still here. So sit back relax and enjoy the complex undoing of everything you thought the paper clip was for!
Paper clips, like many ingenious innovations, were created long before people had a use for them. The first paper clip was invented on a lazy Sunday afternoon by a crazed cooper who, after a long day of barrel making was trying his best to pass the time. He roughly shaped an iron band into a clip shape in hopes of having something to hold all his order requests together. It should be noted, since this was 1535 and paper was an expensive commodity, most of his orders where written on tree bark and leather strips. It was a clumsy solution at best.
Also consider that when he tried to sell these iron clips of his, due to there sheer weight they could only be packaged in pairs. A brace of clips was roughly 70lbs. His business soon folded due to expense he had to pay out in postal stamps.
It wasn't till sometime in the later 1800's when some finally got fed up with the way his desk looked, that the paper clip idea was once again reborn.
"I hate the way my desk looks. I'm going to invent the paper clip." And so he did. Now we have them once again and at a much more manageable weight to boot. Additionally we could cram a lot more in a box. This way they all jumble together and take an hour or so to undo before you are able to use one. Hence modern efficiently was born.
I have heard that only one out of every ten paper clips are used to clip papers together. From my personal perspective I imagine this statistic is accurate. I use mine in many useful ways.
Such as cleaning out dirt from under my fingernails. This is a personal favorite. Not a scary as a pair of scissors or a sewing needle, the paper clip is a excellent substitute. Additionally they are invaluable for bending into funny shapes during meetings, making desk art and sticking into electrical outlets, 'just to see what happens.'
I also know from hours of hours of television, they should be able to assist you with picking locks to free yourself from handcuffs or prisons, and well as making complex electrical bypasses i n complicated circuitry. I've yet to have any real success at either of these, not that I haven spent hours trying. I have used them to fill the void left by a missing battery or fuse, though it's not a recommended practice.
I'm sure there are loads of great uses I haven't though up for this highly versatile, extremely diverting little wire invention. For instantce, a good topic for a much needed blog post!
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