20 Things I Learned From Life

Between conspiracy and incompetency, bet on incompetency.

There is no such thing as extra cash, unless it belongs to someone else.

Some pain is unavoidable. The rest is usually of your own doing.

There will always be someone smarter than you. In a battle of wits, if you can't win, you can always cheat!

No matter how good a driver you think you are, at some point, you will get honked at a called a dirty name.

Life is more fun when you can laugh at yourself, but the most fun when you can laugh at someone else.

Life is too short to eat Brussels sprouts. See item 3

Children are a joy in your life, especially when they are sleeping.

You can always use another cup of coffee.

Paperwork is an invention of the Devil. There can be no other explanation.

Life without video games is not a life worth living.

If at all possible avoid public restrooms. If not possible, keep your will up to date.

If your are a man, avoid all conversation in said restrooms. Get in, do your business get out. If you are a woman, ignore this advice completely.

Think before you speak. Idle words can sometimes cause the most harm.

If the above is not possible, then at least try and be witty about it. That way you can pass it off as a good joke and the offended person as someone with no 'sense of humor'.

If you find you aren't suited for any honest professions, try your hand at politics. Everyone loves a liar and a cheat.

Plant at least one tree in your life. This means you can drive an SUV with a 'Love Your Mother Earth' bumper sticker without feeling guilty.

Avoid accepting too much blame for things you've done wrong. See item 3.

Worry less. Eat more bacon. You might live a shorter life, but at least you will smile more.

Relax and enjoy what you've been given. Somewhere someone else wishes they could live your life.