Scale of the Problem

I'm fighting a losing battle with a clever enemy. He's crafty, nasty and has a sharp tongue. I speak with the enemy nearly everyday. He pretends to have a civil attitude, until I'm at his mercy.

"What can I do for you tubby?"

I'm a not friend with my bathroom scale. I honestly believe it has a mind of it's own. In order to get it to respond, all your suppose to do is tap it's top surface.

"What!?" It wails.

"I want to know my weight" I tap my foot repeatedly on the surface. "Wake up you stupid piece of metal!" My efforts appear to be in vain.

"I'm tired," it yawns "come back tomorrow."

"I need to get going...please!" I beg, as I continue tapping "I paid good money for you!"

"Don't touch me!"

I continue to tap my foot into the top of the scale and it begins to churn. After a number of seconds the 0.0 appears.

"Finally," I step up

"Fine," it sneers, "I suppose there will be no peace till you get the bad news."

"What do I weigh?" The scale spits back 'ERR' on the readout.

This is doing wonders for my self-esteem. I'm just out of the shower soaking wet and arguing with a forty-dollar bathroom scale. In the store it was labeled with such delightful stickers.

• Accurate to one tenth of a pound


• Lifetime guarantee


• Digital readout


• Gracious

When it does read out a number, I never know if it's right. I usually get a different number every time I get up to the plate. I try and weigh myself three times and take an average. The "ERR" was a new one, but I thought I'd give it another go.

"Ahhh!!!" it groans "Get off me! I wasn't made for this sort of strain."

"I'm nowhere near the limit."

"You mean the lie they printed on my side?"

"I've heard that one before," I get off, "Thanks again for your help. You always have a way of getting my day started off right."

In some ways it's a love hate relationship. I mean who wants to really know what they weigh every day, with accuracy to the tenth of a pound? At least with this scale I can be happy if it's a good number, and not feel too bad if it's not. I'll just raise my eyebrows and believe it is acting up again.

"Same time tomorrow?" I say.

"If I must."

Phone Trouble

Story Circa 2001

I was working for a competitive local exchange carrier. I was working at Advanced TelCom Group. I was taking provisioning phone calls in ultra new Network Operations Center, or NOC. We had new phones, new chairs, and new responsibilities.

For the most part ATG catered to professionals. Nine to five operations that varied from day traders to printing houses, any business around that needed phone or internet access. We had one customer of, how should I say, questionable professionalism. He maintained a dirty website, and we were required, as employees, to help him when he had questions. I probably don't have to tell you how I felt about this.

One day Carl calls in and complains about something not working. I put him on hold. "Pervert King Carl on the line" I shouted. It had become a pet name for a client who was not only quite disliked among the other employees but also technically clueless to boot. Nothing like being foul and stupid, with your only redeeming quality that you paid your bill on time.

I start going off about how dumb he was, how I hated it when he called and how it always turns out to be his problem. I'm unable to see a problem so I bring in some help from our resident Unix Admin. Once Paul arrives I restart my "Carl’s so stupid" rant! After we all decide we don't have a clue what he's done to mess things up, I pick up the phone.

"Hello" I sweetly say, "Carl?"

"You know," He begins, "I wasn't on hold.."

"What" I started to shake slightly.

"I was on speakerphone." He says "I heard everything you said."

"Oh that!... Uhmm...I knew that," I lied, "...that's just shop talk Carl..."

[click]

Ahhhhhh!!!

I spent the next half of day recounting the story to co-workers and bosses. I truly felt like one of the biggest idiots that ever was. Had it been anyone but Carl I can't imagine what would have become of me. I imagine I would have been looking for other work. I'm only thankful that the only time something like this has happened to me was to a client who held such little respect no one seemed too put out over it. Carl folded up shop shortly after this, and I was one of the many people who was rejoicing.




FYI The logo at the top was a model I coded in POV-Ray. I later ended up making it into an animated file that blew itself to cosmic dust. I was a little surprised to see the file is still on a customer facing website, so I thought I'd share it.

Dizzy Spells

I’ve been feeling rather dizzy recently. I suppose a number of things could be causing it. I suppose it could be the fact that the crape myrtles are in bloom. This could be affecting my allergies and consequently blocking up my sinuses and throwing off my equilibrium. What an idea, it seems so sensible and hence obviously ridiculous.

I have mentioned to a number of people that I have been having these dizzy spells. It seems I’m not alone; there are a number of other people I know who have also been having them. Not all of them have allergies, so after careful consideration I’ve come up with, what I believe to be, the only possible solution. Mind reading.

It seems that some benevolent aliens, cataloging our system have been using some weird extra-terrestrial mind reading device on the population. Apparently the united Uphat central command had decided that they needed to know what was happening on our humble planet, XUI833 as they call it, since they were unable to ascertain this from simple observation. In fact the sole agenda item at the last meeting simply stated, “What in the world could these beings be thinking?” From deep in space, they have turned the dreaded mind beam on us. Thus the recent unsteadiness, only it is not going according to plan.

The Uphats are now more confused than ever. It seems the average person is more concerned with American Idol, Nicholas Cage, iPods, flat panel screens, cheap romance, David Blaine, and digital watches than anything else. Given the current events of the world, our vast history, and fabulous literature collection they believe that something must be wrong with the beam. The Uphats have decided then that their only recourse is to turn the beam to maximum.

So please for the sake of all our brains please do you best, for at least the next few weeks, to try some deep thoughts. I’m getting sick of these darn dizzy spells. I have no clue when crape myrtle season is over.

Lazy Thursday Blues: Caption

Okay, thought I'd try something new this Thursday. It's not an original idea, but I think it's a fun one. I'll provide a picture and you provide the caption. So get those creative juices flowing!

As always we need to adhere to good taste. Please keep it clean.



Here's one to get the ball rolling:
"Samantha's fast hair growth system!"

Neverending Day

The day that never ends. I have to admit I’m not sure what I would do with a day that stretched on for eternity. Would I be responsible for my actions? I mean if I got a call that said “You’re in trouble see me tomorrow in my office.” Would I care? I bet not. I’m not angling to do anything criminal. I’m just not looking forward to tomorrow.

Tomorrow just as I predicted the dentist will be able to put the last bite in his bracelet. I have an appointment to have all four of my wisdom teeth taken out, and in addition they will be chiseling at my jaw for a hunk of bone to graft on my new central incisor. I can’t imagine why I’m not looking forward to this.

As I’ve said in the past I’m not afraid of pain. This is a true statement, I’m afraid of ladybugs, and tree frogs. I feel both proud of this and ashamed at the same time. How many people do you know who have had a compound fracture and just been upset because they had to cut their favorite shirt off? Contrariwise how many people do you know who almost ran their car into a telephone pole when they noticed a ladybug on their shoulder. It sounds absurd even as I type it.

Tomorrow is my day in the chair. I’m more nervous thinking about what will happened and how much it will cost than anything. The dentists had me watch a twenty minute video laying out all the possible worst case scenarios that could happen. I sat in a room with a model of the mouth, a flat screen vision of the future, and a disclaimer to sign. He didn’t even have the nerve to explain it himself.

"We got this gruesome info to impart," He grins, "but since you’re paying through the nose, please watch it in here. You'll be alone, save your fears, of course."

I’ll sum it up

• Something bad could happen and you could lose feeling in your face.


• Something bad could happen and you could lose your sense of taste.


• Something bad could happen and you could lose your life.

So tonight is my last meal. The last meal that I might be able to get in my mouth, taste, or enjoy ever. Tomorrow at eight O’clock I head into the office to get doped up and demolished. I imagine I’ll either have some good stories for Friday, or an invitation to my memorial service. Either way it should be interesting.

Fret not, tomorrows post will be up before I leave.

Ode To A Meeting

Come to the meeting
Where nothing is done
Come to the meeting
Where ideas are shun

Come to the meeting
When your coffee’s all gone
Come to the meeting
Your just a seat filling pawn

Come to the meeting
Put your workload on hold
Come to the meeting
Where your body grows cold

Come to the meeting
Well talk troubles and strife
Come to the meeting
We’ll not solve it, not on your life

Come to the meeting
Because your life’s not complete
So come to the meeting
Just relax, and kick up your feet.

-Peter Brown 2006

Sales Pitch

Okay take a deep breath. Okay we’re going to be successful tonight! I’m feeling confident! I’m a selling machine! I’m a selling machine! No one can stop the Kirby Locomotive!

[knock knock]

"Hello?" The woman of the house opens the door to me with a man looking uncomfortable in the background.

"Kirby Man!" I smile as big as I can. Some of my cookie falls out my mouth, "This is the first thing I’ve eaten all day!" As crumbs cascade down my shirt.

"Okay..." She responds

"So I’m here tonight..."

"At 7:30 in the evening,"

"…to help you out." I smile. I gotta win back some points. Okay, breathe. Okay, get in the groove. Nothing can stop my pitch. I’m an uninterruptible selling machine! "We’ll clean your carpet tonight for free. As long as somewhere down the line you might tell a friend about us. We’ve been in business for a long time. We are tops in this business. This is just sort of our way of giving back to the community, you know."

"No thank you. We're having company coming," She says, beginning to swing the door closed.

"How about I just clean that spot where your boyfriend is standing. It'll be dry before you know it." Saved!

"Husband..." Door is once again in motion.

"I never assume! Never assume! Not after all these years." Come on, put on the big smile! Darn you cookie crumbs! "Do you own a vacuum?"

"Yes," She smiles…Why is she smiling…"We’ve got an Oreck"

"Oh!" Little lady thinks she’s got me! Thinks she’s got one up on the Kirby Locomotive! "That man should be behind bars! What a scam!" Got her attention, now for the follow through "Have you seen the engine on those things? Go back and rip it apart and see for yourself. About the size of your two fingers! There’s a reason they’re so light!" Got the man laughing… now I'll BRING HOME THE BACON!

"So" I’m back at cruising speed "How ‘bout we just clean that one spot! If you’ve got company coming over you’ll want that clean" I casually stuff the last of the cookie in my face and look concerned.

"No thanks" Hardball retorts

"Your husband wants it!" Saved!

"No he doesn’t." She smirks, "I’m sure he wants it less than me." A smile and nod from the human clam…

"Have you ever shampooed your carpets?" Saved!

"Why yes, actually I have," door in motion yet again.

"Well!" What now? "Didn’t do a very good job then did you?" Saved!

Door slams shut as I hear the woman remark "A little helpful advice, if you want to sell someone something, don’t insult them."

The cool September breezes nipped at my face, as I beat down the pavement to the next house. That’s not bad advice, I should try and remember that.

As the door shut all I could do was laugh.

"Patricia" I got out between tears, "that was the craziest thing I ever saw! I would have lended a hand but you were doing fine."

"Annoying little man! Could you believe him?"

Mr Ed Is Not A Zebra

Mr Ed is not a Zebra. This might seem like a very obvious statement. Trust me I wouldn't tell you if it weren't important. This is something I think you need to know!

I only mention it because if for some reason something led you to believe that this was otherwise you might do something stupid.

You might, for instance tell everyone you know that Mr Ed was a zebra. You might even convince a couple of your friends that Mr Ed was a zebra. Just because you've convinced someone of this dosen't make it so.

You might also tell people that they are stupid for not believing that Mr. Ed is a zebra! I would not advise this, only because in the end your going to have to eat a lot of crow. Crow seems to last for a long time. I can only say that some crows take years to consume, and you might be finding feathers in your mouth for decades.

Because as I said...

Mr Ed is NOT a Zebra!

Legal Addictive Stimulants

There is a yet another new blog!

The focus of this blog is caffeine


Legal Addictive Stimulants

Radio Drama

“Hello I’m having some trouble with my boyfriend. He’s sort of messy and”

“It’s not his problem, it’s your problem.”

"Well the reason I called was I wanted to know if I should talk to him about it, or…”

”You should leave the dirty bum”

“humm…”

“That’s my advice. Leave the bum and find a man who respects you enough to wipe his feet.”

“But, I really wanted to ask...”

[click]

“Next caller?”

I sometimes listen to a political talk radio station. I like to get current on events, know what’s happening in the world, and hear the opinions of people that I agree with. There are a number of very strong political talkers on my station, but something odd happens at noon. They turn the mike over to this radio advice person.

Advice is fine. You should seek the advice of people you trust, and people who know you. Taking advice from a nation wide radio personality who has only heard two minutes or less of you life is a very scary thing.

Our radio doctor, we’ll call her ‘Linda’, could care less about you. Linda is out to make money and the only way she knows how is to rip people apart at the emotional seams. Anyone who listens to the show is well aware of the format. Caller calls and begins to tell all. Our good Dr. stops them, tells them how stupid they are, why they don’t deserve love. At this point the caller will either do one of two things. Hem and ha to which they will receive a lighting fast ticket to “why did you call me, here’s what dial tone sounds like!”. Two they will say that they agree with the Dr. and they are no better than the mold that grows on pond scum! At this point the Dr. rubs in the point, hangs up and the dance starts over with a new victim.

I can understand listening to show. If you have some need to listen to your fellow man get chewed up and spit out, this is the show for you. Or maybe you listen just to make yourself feel better. “I’d never leave my dirty underclothes on the coffee table! Dr Linda is gonna make mince meat out of him!"

But who are these callers? People so willing to call and ask questions. These people must listen to the show or they wouldn't know the number, so why would they subject themselves to that? I just cannot imagine calling in to be abused on a national broadcast.

“Your ugly, no one wants to be your friend”

“Dr Linda! I just wanted to know if my dogs are a strain on the relationship”

“Your face is a strain on the relationship. Your dogs are the excuse shes using!”

[sobbing…]
[click]

“Heading home to my mansion. Be back tomorrow for more answers to your questions”